He looked down at a piece of paper held in the clipboard he salvaged nearly thirty years earlier

out of a trash bin of some corporation whose name he couldnt recall which had one of its armed guards direct him to park the boxed truck he drove to the rear of the building where he could access its loading dock
despite the security he picked out the clipboard and several broken reams of copying paper

This is trash right  he said to the maintenance worker who was to direct him to where the company had assembled the 30x60 rental office desks and six-foot folding tables they didnt need any longer
 

If its in that bin its trash

Any feelings if I take this stuff

Hell no You cant believe the stuff they throw away  If you can use it help yourself

Done  Waste not want not  My parents didnt raise a shy child

Mine did  Did a lousy job of it  Just dont let the guards see em as you leave  Theyll shit  Security detail  my ass  or else and I shudder to think it  this is probably all we can expect of security

  

clutched in the Bear-of-a-Clip on the reverse-side of some advertisement mailed to him that he didnt ask for or want the page bore his handwriting etched in the black ink of a Pentel RSVP

fine point pen and also with medium point blue and red Bic Cristal inks

seeing his handwriting on paper soothed him

maybe  because few people could read what he wrote 

                                                                                        though sometimes he couldnt either 

particularly when what he wrote expressed a gnawing agitation that sped his hand as it helplessly tried to keep pace with the maelstrom at his reeling brain

but even his illegible handwriting soothed him

phrases appeared like broken shards and splashes of individuals names with whom he was unfamiliar  and then quite concerned that he didnt know of them because their names appeared in the midst of things and histories he had overwhelming interests in and yet they were sudden ghosts reared before him

apparently  however  having always been there 
how was what possible what else had he missed

                                                                                and they all turned looking out of the margins

or inward or upside down rightside up with no gravity to hold them

they were as he wanted to be  firm and unsubstantial  tethered and without the laws of physics

though their appearance on the page was enough to placate  and genuinely humour him

they eliminated any need or want of sedatives or script physicians happily wrote 

and then

                like a new toy or never-before-constructed jigsaw puzzle he went at them to satisfy his curiosity
  
there were so many entries that he failed to note where he found them or what they may have been bonded to
except  he would only have found them where his interests took him

rendering him they yanked a black cloth sack over his head and pitched him headlong onto the back seat of a comfortable sedan

there are worse ways to travel

                                                                     and worse places to find oneself

1242,  Sunday,  25  1. 15      

girls like ponies

boys like ponytails

there was nothing to knock about either

a handful of hair

a handful of mane

the clutching clinging 

guiding

he caught the flip of a ponytail from across the parking lot

not that he was looking

his peripheral was at work for him without him telling it to

like blood in the water

or a ball off a bat

Naturally he knew where it was going and how to get there before the ball hit the ground

thats why he played outfield 

he had the speed to carry him there

everyone had their indigenous talent

a kid does not play by himself and practise practise practise

to not turn an over-the-shoulder grab on a dead run when it counted

there were no fences then

to stop him from running them down

he just went with it

he always just went with it

and catching it he could admire it

or throw it back as fast as it came 

Naturally it was in him

it was in him and he never saw any need to apologise for it

even when those around him believed he ought to have outgrown it

how do you outgrow something thats Naturally inside you

when it was well-developed in you

Why do you do that

I dont know  Why do you breathe

it made no sense to him to deny his talent

curbing it would be Unnatural

how do you do something Unnatural

that question piqued him

he closed on the flip of hair

it was catchable

maybe it wanted to be caught

and Naturally he caught it

that is not to say the ball never beat him to the ground or he muffed the grab

that was part of the game and no one playing is perfect

however it made no sense denying what came Naturally

he did not see it was enviable because envy did not register with him 

a lot of things did not register with him

and if it did with others

wasnt that their problem

he didnt seek to make other peoples problems his

he accepted it was a course of human Nature

and everyone should have their course

their way

he didnt begrudge anyone their way and he didnt expect anyone to begrudge him his

the way he saw it

it was a big world out there

with room enough for everyone: 

                                                    You mind yours and Ill mind mine  if you dont mind

 

girls like ponies

he liked ponytails

1756 hours, Sunday, 2 5. 11