lookingeverywhere

looking

lookingeverywhere blinking blinds me

and I try to dodge them

moving my head inchoate  side to side  trying to see past my obstructed eyes

I am ridiculous

yet it doesnt stop me from ducking

tucking my chin

cradle my shoulder

cover

crouch

counterpunch

move   move my feet

up on my toes

trying not to be caught flatfooted

                                                     and Rocked!

theyre pure instincts and I cant help myself

Im curious      

maybe the blinking is because I cant avert my eyes

try to be polite

but something inside me has been charged with the task and it shutters my vision

Dont be rude  Dont you dare be rude   it mocks 

it admonishes me

You know better  You were raised better than that

and maybe I was

or maybe if I was allowed to look and see and satisfy my innate curiosity

that maddening youthful streak

I wouldnt be

maybe

as bad as it is now

and Now

now chaffing

Now

now rubbed raw and irritated

Now

now not having anything bind bridle or box me in Im beside myself

Im off the wall

and aint nothing not a gawddamn thing that can hang me up again

if someone is going to be embarrassed by me

children are always tortured to be a reflection of and on their parents and  upbringing    Gads

now

Now its all on me and rightfully so

if theres disdain Now

Its mine 

I own it 

and I admit it  gleefully so

looking

lookingeverywhere fascinates me

 

and Im strung along wending anywhere it would casually or obscurely take me

fretless

unmeasured

unashamed

2020,  Palm Sunday (I wouldnt have know unless someone said it was), 1  4. 12

Timid

really

they really thought they could twist him

he surmised  Probably

                                      because in the past it had served them so very well and now it had congealed into their standard

their go-to   their well

and default 

                                                                                                    

who the hell wants to withstand the dry-rub and heat of intimidation

   

well  he figured  hed have to concede they didnt do their homework on him                                                

because out-of-hand  as successful as it had been  they hadnt consider they couldnt make him fold

and at the threat of violence hed roll over an piss himself like a dog

he wondered if they had ever considered that some people might beat themselves up

far more and far longer than those who coerced them

                                                                                       “those”  --  is the operative word

because rarely  --  by themselves  --  does one attempt to intimidate another

strength in numbers  an old pennon  is not lost on those who offend

any more than on those who defend

--   So gents

Intimidate away   Take your best shots

but know this as severely as I do

I recognise   beyond a shadow of doubt   Im on the losing end of this beating

Its in the cards

and Im resigned to it

Though two of you  hopefully three  arent walking away from here on your tippytoes

You might want to consider who among you Im talking about

Who among you arent going to be chewing their food tonight  and have to suck their meal through a straw

or arent hobbled   or arent able to pick anything up with their hands  use a fork spoon knife  a pen

or wont be able to see with both eyes for a couple of weeks

I can imagine that some of you feel theres luck in it

So you got to ask yourself
                                            Do you feel lucky

Nope  it never got old 

 

hed been enjoying it far too long

rarely did it work   and they walked away

and sometimes his stalling brought others to his side

though not recently
 

these days they worried about their faces

but that bravado 

that braying like an ass always seemed to buy him a split second of Surprise

and it was usually accompanied by two blown out knees

and months of suffering

                                                                                        

also money lost out of their pockets

his old man told him as a kid Hit em where it hurts

and after his first couple of fights  beatings he sustained

his old man said

--   I guess you didnt follow

Let me be simpler

I meant  Kick em in the balls

his old man didnt fight clean

--   There aint nothing clean about any fight  Best you remember that

he had a couple of Service Hearts to back him up

but he never listened to his old man

if he listened to him hed never would have left the city the neighborhood and seen what he had around the world

and those things alone 

were worth all the beating he endured in the past and the future

0010,  Saturday,  8  11. 14