the priest intoned

                         . . . Maw

Quiet.

Maw

Would you be quiet please.

that wasnt a question he knew better than push it

After the ceremony.

he nodded

   following his mothers lead he threw a handful of earth on top the coffin crossed himself followed her over to his aunt hugged and kissed her  he surprised himself he was weeping his aunt embraced himkissed him on the top the head called him a sweet boy for coming to say goodbye

he was the only child at the cemetery

his Maw wouldnt have it any other way

the night before he overheard her tell his Paw Up your nose with a rubber hose.

                                                                                     she was serious

they were speaking sternly

                              He needs to know we die, he’ll die; that is life.

He’s only a boy.

The concept of death is not hard to learn. Better he learn now than later.

He’ll be the only one at church, at the cemetery.

Then he’ll be the only one.

                            It will be the last time he’ll see Ben.

   Okay sweetheart, what was it you wanted to ask?

Ohmygosh I almost forgot

You remember?

I do Thank you

                  I dont understand

What’s that.

The priest said earth to earth ashes to ashes dust to dust

Yes. In sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life; to live forever in God’s embrace.

Then why did we bury Uncle Ben if hes living forever

   That wasn’t your question, was it?

No No

        Ashes to ashes dust to dust

How does Uncle Ben I kissed him goodbye  how does he turn to ashes turn to dust if hes buried    I dont get it

 

2330,  Monday,  8  1. 24

1151,  Thursday,  11  1. 24

Share the chair

she looked at him like he was nuts

Ill sit forward on the edge you scoot back  well share

as he pulled the rollerchair away from the desk to sit she moseyedretreated to the rear a vintage last century Steelcase chair that he acquired in Minneapolis survived Miami riddenhard then through a hafdozen moves

                                                                                                       when people looked at it its worebeaten countenance they asked when he was going to replace it It looks like hell. . . . For something handsome Shes functional serves me well  Talk like tha sounds like youll ditch me when Im older  well used

   Cat got your tongue

october stayed put

                     he reached back blindlygingerly with his right grateful he found her fannyhips didnt stick a finger in her eye  she leaned in against the small of his back  the sun streaming through the window embraced them

over his left shoulder he said See  Howbout them apples

she pushed against his spine asif asking Apples?  What are apples?

he explainedwasnt like he was talking to himself

                                                 Its a colloquialism Thas funhuh how it rollsoff the tongue If you coud speak English october youd dig it Its from before our time my Maw used it frequently During the First World War Howbout them apples was a taunt against the Germans The Allies antitank grenade was called a toffee apple a caramel apple because of its bulblike appearance on a stick if you werent a cat youd also dig it

                                                                                                      More than you wanted to know I know but if someone says youll be ahead of them

october was leaning heavy against his spine purring

October

she didnt budge

                   she was asleep

Awweel he had that way with pussies

1335,  day-between-2-Ts,  10  1. 24

1046,  Thursday,  11  1. 24

he wrote

             IS

inch beneath it he wrote Is no  a line struck beneath it an arrow jabbedup to the lines midstroke

IS

Is no

         Wha the fucks tha all about

and in black ink

   he rarely wrote in black ink

he had to traipsereverse back

                                was writing about cemeteries Jew Bill Lee Jubilee

writing about life deathsentience

                                    fear separationseparated

                                                                  Were not    IS  Is no

ARE

   We ARE

it angered him that people believed did they believe  someday theyll be on the other side  the flipside of the coin heads tails lifedeathdeathlife

                         Call it.   I’d rather not.   You’d rather I call it? That’s the choice.

they hadnt spit in their mouth to croak

                                         I can’t.   So momentous call, and you can’t?   Not when it means everything.

How doesnt one make that call

IS

Is no

Call it

Everything to win

Everything to lose 

afternoon,  day-between-2-Ts, 10  1. 24

2309,  day-between-2-Ts

Warren Zevon  Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euBuVh_BUe4

Lets walk through the cemetery  I think the dead would appreciate us the living among their presence

They’re dead.

So

Their presencethey have no presenc . .

. . Are you fucking kiddin me  No presence

backpedaling a bit You’re taking me wrong.

Speak

        Right your ship

I meant presence as in you and mewere present.

Diggin your hole deeper

   I don’t want to go.

To the cemetery

Yeah.

   Why  Have you really given it any thought

                                                    Or are you simply repulsedyaseem repulsed  not of your upbringing how manyChrist how many funeral wakes burials  have you attended People didnt die while you were growingup

That wasn’tfor lack of a better word . . part . of our family’s culture.

                                                                       So no.  I do not want to walk through the cemetery.

You know people in it?

I do I went with them to their graves

                                        I could point them out tell ya stories about them

I don’t know them.

You’d get to know them

I could show you one hell of an epithet on an epitaph  I love saying that

On a headstone?

A small headstone Created some rancor in the communitybut he had one helluva a sense of humour He was on my paper route all ten years I delivered it He was always kind to me One day on the route on my birthday he met me at his front door had a box of chocolatecovered cherries dark chocolate He said Happy Birthday  I thanked him He said This wasn’t my idea, the wife’s. Well please thank her for me I will.

What’s on his headstone?

Jew Bill Lee

Jubilee.

Yes

Why would that upset the community?

Bill was proud of his faith This neck of the woods wasnt receptive Frankly I think Bill moved here to stir the pot made it America held the neighbourhood up to Americas promise as a promise not lipservice

Jubilee.   Jubilee? I don’t get it.

Jew Bill Lee not jubilee

                         J E W  B I L L  L E E

On his headstone?

Sensational huh I can show you He rests near a great old black walnut He bought the plots for he and his wife his sons when he saw it he had three formidable black walnuts on his property Made me lotsa money rakingup their leaves in the fall

Jew Bill Lee.

He was something else   Now thaya know him wanna visit with me  Ill introduce you

No.

0900,  day-between-2-Ts,  3  1. 24

1332,  day-between-2-Ts,  10  1. 24

Kazukii  Ansia  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGp1YI7IGHo

Quit being contrary. There’s only me, no one else to impress.

Youre impressed

Not impressed for impressed’s sake.

                                       You’re confounding.

Perhaps because we grewup vastly different Very few common chords except for how white boys were raised.

See. There. Right there.

                           Why do you have to say something like that?

White boys

Yes.

   Because you don You ought to be able to say it nowIve given you permission Ive used it Or is it a racial epithet and therefore you object to it

I object to it.

You object to the fortunate way you were raised as an entitled white boyCareful

there was a bit of a glare I wasnt responsible for how I was raised.

he began to shake his head but his head refused to be shaken WOW

                                                                   Yaknow   I got  nothing     

I will howeverbecause I got go remark on being contrary Im not Im a disruptor I am animated to emphatically pursue dissociation from reigning orthodoxies and authority as any good little white entitled boy can be Whaever those orthodoxies and authorities might be

You boneup on your racial animus regarding cultural majority groups  Well talk soon

1030,  2sday,  9  1. 24

1235,  day-between-2-Ts,  10  1. 24

Who  I’m a Boy  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgOyqdN2SaE

Pete Townsend/The Who  Rough Boys  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkT8W6u81Ks

Paw  As a kid growing up you catch during all the movies serials cliffhangers a Warner Brothers film  Confessions of a Nazi Spy

Who was in it?

Robinson I believe

Edward G.?  I wasn’t a fan.

Little Caesar Double Indemnity Fred MacMurray Barbara Stanwyck writers Billy Wilder Raymond Chandler James Cain Awcomon

           You shitting me

I liked Double Indemnity, although Edward G. wasn’t the draw.

                                                                   Confessions. That’s what this telephone call's about.

Thought you would have remembered  First time a film went away from pure entertainmentventured into realism whawas happening then and there  I read in Rachel Maddows book Prequel that in ‘39 80 million people were going to the movies every week At the time the population of the United States was 130 million  Blew my mind  In the day cinema was awfully powerful

80 million.

            I could see that.

Often I went to the movies a couple times a week, but you got to understand how accessible movies were to us. As a boy, in long pants, I could walk to the Queen, it was a one aisle theatre, the Biltmore, the New Strand, the Crown, on Division was the Crystal, anif I wanted, if I didn’t like what was showing around, I could take a streetcar to the Liberty theatre. Plenty, plenty to choose from in those days. Admission was a nickel, a dime, two movies twin bill, cartoons, Newsreels.

I spent a lot of time at the movies.

  Circumstances  Right

There was that. My Mom, Grandma died. Uncle Don, my brother was four years older, Dad, Grampa was working, Aunt Stella was working, couldn’t always go to the library. There was always a nickel or a dime free if I askedif my chores were done. I made like a slave so I could go.

                                               You like movies.

I do

I don’t remember you asking me for money to see them. Did you ask your mother?

No

     I afforded it myself

Yeah.  Well.

              You were a strongheaded kid. We couldn’t tell you nothing.

Then when you asked us about something it was like an interrogation. Why this? Why that? Came out of the blue like a ton of bricks.

Yahwell I liked the library too Paw

                                      Reading makes you accessible to strong thoughts   Research reinforced them

I remember you were awfully good in English. You would have made a helluva a teacher.

Possibly

          Save for one thing

Curriculum. Whenever you said it the look on your face was like you had a mouthful of shit.

Thawas the excuse I heard all through elementary high school

                                                                  Curriculum

I can’t see your fac . .

. . Yah Paw Looks like I got a mouth full of shit

                                                   Thanks for pickingup I love ya

I love you too, son, I love you.

Goodbye for now

Bye.

1220,  Monday,  8  1. 24

2207,  2sday,  9  1. 24

Aw for Christssake, I didn’t see that coming.

                                                  he saidhe guaranteed  those  would be his last words

Aw for Christssake, I didn’t see that coming.

Arya practising so theyre rote Automatic

No. Maybe.  Well.

                    Well no matter, they’ll be my last words, and you’ll be able to attest to them.

Me

You.

      I know you’ll be with me at my death.

Your death How do ya know tha

Because . . I guarantee I’ll know and I’ll callsend for you . and you’ll come.

Sound mighty cocksur . .

. . You’ll come.

Another guarantee

No man. You love me and when I’m dying you’ll go through heaven and hell to be with me as I would for you.   But that ain’t gonna happen.

   Guaranteed

Guaranteed.

 

he was visiting his folks a nice afternoon went for a walk with a book walked and read  where he lived he was known as He who walks books if he were First People he would have taken the name

                                                                                    he heard his name yelled

turning around

                his kidbrother the youngest was flying up the street on his bicycleveered onto the sidewalk GOT TO COME HOME! YOU GOT TO COME HOME! MOM SAYS!

he brakedstopped

She say why

She said you gotta come home now.

Okay turnbout letem know Im comin

Right.

       boy was mighty proud he found him he had fallen off a swing landed on his head hadnt been quite right since but was plenty right for the family word was out not to fuck with him they were awfully protective boy felt it he was protective right back

pretty fucking sweet

                       he found him 

 

he came into his bedroom  the door was wideopen  

he wasnt  . . dying in no fuckin' hospital.  I ain’t stretching this thing out.

This thing Your life

I’ve had a good one. I’ll be damned if I’m strapping my family exiting. I wasn’t expensive coming in.

when he arrived he was asleep his wife was a mess  they were schoolhood friends she wanted out of her house and to settle down

she wanted him to settle down with her

he was honest perhaps callus   I don want to settle

   I do.

she did with Ray

Ray and he were best friendswent back to the Cubs Scouts when his family moved into the community the neighbourhood kids everywhere mothers everywhere with eyes in the back of their heads  minimum five kids in each house loads and loads of kids

she and Ray stayed put moved but not ten miles from of the old neighbourhood

when he visited his folks he and Ray would tie-up

                                                      Sandy hadnt forgiven him  he saw her sparingly

this would be the most hed seen her

I think he could beat this. she said  Doctors say . .

. . The odds Wha odds they give him  Rays nobodys fool

   Shitty odds.

Nobodys fool Sandy Rays decision

                                      Only thing we truly own in this life is our lives

I thought you’d come and convince him to try.

                                                 He listens to you.

AwSandy I apologise

                      Its not my place  chuckling under his breath Guarantees have been made  Given

crestfallen Ray.

Ray

Aw for Christssake, I didn’t see that coming.

                                               Ray was on his back uncovered skinanbones

then he folded out of himself onto his face onto his back was shouldertoshoulder with him Wha the fuck that iteration blueing graying folded out of himself onto his face onto his back was shouldertoshoulder with him

                                                                                                        three Rays

the third was greennot rotting green no   looked sagelike fucking eternal    his soul

they laid side by side by side on the Kingsize bed

he and Sandy were standing at the beds edgeSandy staggeredcaught herguided her onto a dressing chair turned back to Ray and as he did he said Aw for Christssake, I didn’t see that coming. Ray guaranteed those would be his last words

Anya fucked that up for me.

                             he smiled the biggest mostpleased mostbeautiful smile hed ever seen on Rays face not even when he lost his longmalingering cherry did he smile that beauteous

closing his eyes he took a bright clear untroubled breath

   then Ray sighed  a long sweet birdcall

before 0900,  2sday,  9  1. 24

111preferred,  2sday

bad tooth at night

                          a bad tooth gets one thinking of other things to ignore the ache

he took a hot bath sat a shotglass of whisky he sipped from on the edge of the tub  washed the liquor backanforth over the tooth to help anesthetise rolled it round for fiveseven minutes swallowed sipped again

the light from a candle he lit flickered

there was a draft

the strobing reminded him of police cruiser lights

responding to a call

pulling someone over for a traffic violation

                                              an alleged violation

he had won two of three in court

a fourth he didnt fight

                        he was speeding

he didnt feel one should fight when they knew they were wrong

                                                                     antithetical to being honest

and he was that

                   brutally honest

it humoured him to think he was being pulled over in the bathtub by a cop

hopefully by being naked the cop wouldnt frisk him

                                                       though might ask him to pull his cheeks apart

You got anything in there?

Loose change

You tryin to be a smart ass

And

     The Columbia Encyclopedia In One Volume  1946

two of his cats came into the bathroom and started circling one another parrying  dancing

                                                                                               the walls looked like a discoball dappled them

he wondered what the song was they heard

                                                then

a third blundered in  he was big oafish

startled they fled into the hall

the two left towards the bedroom

oaf right

   in the upper corners at his feet he recognised iridescent spiderwebs candlelight trembling on them

the left was a remnant web right inhabitedspider tucked deep into the corner it wasnt biting on the lightmotion in its web

     Hello friend he said  Appleseed was mighty pleased with that corner too

he sippedswished the whisky backanforth

                                             he thoughtwondered if the spider might be a descendant of appleseed  he imagined she was a she

                           how does one sex a spider

these days some boys were pretty enough to be girls an girls butch enough to be boys  which didnt bother him at all

he wasnt looking to get into anyone pants

he had pants

swallowed

took another sipswished

wondered where the draft was coming from steady  meting a steady flickering almost keeping time for the heat as it escaped the water

maybe

          fifteen minutes lefttwothree sips  tepid

pull the plug and out

or pull it empty half refill with more hot water

                                                 maybe the mirrorball ceases or maybe the light would finally entice the spider

tooth wasnt that achy anymore

                                  might be able to fall asleep

the feline dancers were probably in bed fast asleep

                                                         Wha do cats dream of

For tha matter  spiders

1238 or 0038hrs,  Monday,  8  1. 24

1137,  2sday,  9  1. 24

tea leaves say

                 Donald J Trump disqualified

VP-slavering Elise “Circus seal” Stefanik cancelled

MAGA swats away

crosses legal tripwires

DOJ has their asses

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkHCf6sjBgo

1534,  Monday,  8  1. 24

OH Elise  Did you say “January6 hostages”  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le_2dyVOCrQ

AwJesus  he puts his hand over his eyesfingers to his temples like synchedelectrodes

                                                                                            Time Whatime is it

It’s not late.  she was taking loaves of banana bread out of the oven

Feels a little late in my head

sympathetically What do you mean babe? she came over to him sitting at the kitchen table from behind rubbed his shoulders

A Freudian slip

                   Crossing it out is gonna look bad who Freudian slips while writing  Is tha even a thing  Shell still be able to read wha I wrote

What did you write?

Here   Look

             he leaned backshe leaned over his shoulder There jabbed it with his finger

Hmm.

Yah

     Think Ill rewrite the page  Between you and me

You say that, then you confess.

Confessions good for the soul baby even if you havent one

You have a soul.

Your soul  Youre generous sharin with me its whisper summer sun  warming me  bathing me

                                                                                                     Take it away I wont

I wont take it away.

Aw babe  he sighed deeply

                              One way or another

We’re not thinking about that.

   No

       Not when given why Im writing   Ill rewrite it

If I were her . . . I would like to see what you thought how you were feeling deep inside.  Your writing is always so spontaneous . . electric.

                          Read the paragraph look at the way you've written it . . your hand revealing your emotions.

I'm afraid if you rewrite it it will look scripted, won't synch with the other page.  Yaknow love, know what I mean?

   Youre right

                   Yaever get tired of being right

he took her hand from his shoulderkissed her wrist  felt her heart beat against his lips

Sounds like you were closing.

I was

You recall what you were going to write?

I do

Strike it. Close.

I was going to start a hot bath. Care to join me?

I would please

                 Right there

she kissed the top of his head

he struck it

              meant to write New Years not New Tears 

Fuck Freud

1612,  Sunday,  7  1. 24

2024,  Sunday

Hedgehoppers Anonymous  It’s Good News Week  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AglW6QpmPp8

Youre really really  You really just said Im rubber youre glue

                                                                     Man  How old are you

Stop it, I’m joshing ya. Come on, you remem . .

. . Hearing it Ive heard it  Never uttered it

Never.  You who tries hard not to use never.

   Never

What kind of kid were you?

Id have to say not stupid

                              Were you one of those kids

Those kids?how do you mean?  It was meant to be funny.

Lemme guess

                Were you also one of those kids who madeup nicknames for other kids  

he smiled brightlysmiled like he was confirmed

                                                   I’ve named more than a few.

Lemme guess

                Served you well when you went to college

Served me well. he puzzled

                              College?  How do you mean served me well in college?

You were in a frat too

You know I was, joined freshman year.

Yes  Yes you did   Ran with your childhood playground mentality an prospered

Nothing wrong with that. It was great fun I had great fun.

Fun

     Ill guess it didnt get turned on you you werent kidded by other guys who also had nicknames because   Well    Because there was always a bunch of you a little gang  hungout  played together

Yeah.  What of it?

Nothing of it I was making an assumption  Deducing

                                                         Adjectives adverbs on schoolgrounds didnt do much for me They didnt say anything about a person they were directed at  The names meant to humiliate  They werent he laughed sardonically  much evidence

he cocked his head to a side like a dog thinking maybe it heard a dog whistle

                                                                                    Adjectives and adverbs.

What kind of kid were you?

The kind who only responded to my name Some forshitmoniker didnt garner my attention

                                                                                                But that said I didnt hangout with a lot of guys onetwo buddies  There were other things I had to do

Other things. Such as?

Such as  Im going to deduce you also didnt have to do

he held his handsup chesthigh palms inwards waggled his fingers towards him  beckoning

                                                                                                 What?  What do you got?

I had jobs hustled landscaping delivered two paper routes since I was nine  Babysat in the evening even on school nights

         Tell me about your jobs growing up

Because man  You didnt have to

1219,  Sunday,  7  1. 24

2031,  Sunday