Paw  As a kid growing up you catch during all the movies serials cliffhangers a Warner Brothers film  Confessions of a Nazi Spy

Who was in it?

Robinson I believe

Edward G.?  I wasn’t a fan.

Little Caesar Double Indemnity Fred MacMurray Barbara Stanwyck writers Billy Wilder Raymond Chandler James Cain Awcomon

           You shitting me

I liked Double Indemnity, although Edward G. wasn’t the draw.

                                                                   Confessions. That’s what this telephone call's about.

Thought you would have remembered  First time a film went away from pure entertainmentventured into realism whawas happening then and there  I read in Rachel Maddows book Prequel that in ‘39 80 million people were going to the movies every week At the time the population of the United States was 130 million  Blew my mind  In the day cinema was awfully powerful

80 million.

            I could see that.

Often I went to the movies a couple times a week, but you got to understand how accessible movies were to us. As a boy, in long pants, I could walk to the Queen, it was a one aisle theatre, the Biltmore, the New Strand, the Crown, on Division was the Crystal, anif I wanted, if I didn’t like what was showing around, I could take a streetcar to the Liberty theatre. Plenty, plenty to choose from in those days. Admission was a nickel, a dime, two movies twin bill, cartoons, Newsreels.

I spent a lot of time at the movies.

  Circumstances  Right

There was that. My Mom, Grandma died. Uncle Don, my brother was four years older, Dad, Grampa was working, Aunt Stella was working, couldn’t always go to the library. There was always a nickel or a dime free if I askedif my chores were done. I made like a slave so I could go.

                                               You like movies.

I do

I don’t remember you asking me for money to see them. Did you ask your mother?

No

     I afforded it myself

Yeah.  Well.

              You were a strongheaded kid. We couldn’t tell you nothing.

Then when you asked us about something it was like an interrogation. Why this? Why that? Came out of the blue like a ton of bricks.

Yahwell I liked the library too Paw

                                      Reading makes you accessible to strong thoughts   Research reinforced them

I remember you were awfully good in English. You would have made a helluva a teacher.

Possibly

          Save for one thing

Curriculum. Whenever you said it the look on your face was like you had a mouthful of shit.

Thawas the excuse I heard all through elementary high school

                                                                  Curriculum

I can’t see your fac . .

. . Yah Paw Looks like I got a mouth full of shit

                                                   Thanks for pickingup I love ya

I love you too, son, I love you.

Goodbye for now

Bye.

1220,  Monday,  8  1. 24

2207,  2sday,  9  1. 24

Aw for Christssake, I didn’t see that coming.

                                                  he saidhe guaranteed  those  would be his last words

Aw for Christssake, I didn’t see that coming.

Arya practising so theyre rote Automatic

No. Maybe.  Well.

                    Well no matter, they’ll be my last words, and you’ll be able to attest to them.

Me

You.

      I know you’ll be with me at my death.

Your death How do ya know tha

Because . . I guarantee I’ll know and I’ll callsend for you . and you’ll come.

Sound mighty cocksur . .

. . You’ll come.

Another guarantee

No man. You love me and when I’m dying you’ll go through heaven and hell to be with me as I would for you.   But that ain’t gonna happen.

   Guaranteed

Guaranteed.

 

he was visiting his folks a nice afternoon went for a walk with a book walked and read  where he lived he was known as He who walks books if he were First People he would have taken the name

                                                                                    he heard his name yelled

turning around

                his kidbrother the youngest was flying up the street on his bicycleveered onto the sidewalk GOT TO COME HOME! YOU GOT TO COME HOME! MOM SAYS!

he brakedstopped

She say why

She said you gotta come home now.

Okay turnbout letem know Im comin

Right.

       boy was mighty proud he found him he had fallen off a swing landed on his head hadnt been quite right since but was plenty right for the family word was out not to fuck with him they were awfully protective boy felt it he was protective right back

pretty fucking sweet

                       he found him 

 

he came into his bedroom  the door was wideopen  

he wasnt  . . dying in no fuckin' hospital.  I ain’t stretching this thing out.

This thing Your life

I’ve had a good one. I’ll be damned if I’m strapping my family exiting. I wasn’t expensive coming in.

when he arrived he was asleep his wife was a mess  they were schoolhood friends she wanted out of her house and to settle down

she wanted him to settle down with her

he was honest perhaps callus   I don want to settle

   I do.

she did with Ray

Ray and he were best friendswent back to the Cubs Scouts when his family moved into the community the neighbourhood kids everywhere mothers everywhere with eyes in the back of their heads  minimum five kids in each house loads and loads of kids

she and Ray stayed put moved but not ten miles from of the old neighbourhood

when he visited his folks he and Ray would tie-up

                                                      Sandy hadnt forgiven him  he saw her sparingly

this would be the most hed seen her

I think he could beat this. she said  Doctors say . .

. . The odds Wha odds they give him  Rays nobodys fool

   Shitty odds.

Nobodys fool Sandy Rays decision

                                      Only thing we truly own in this life is our lives

I thought you’d come and convince him to try.

                                                 He listens to you.

AwSandy I apologise

                      Its not my place  chuckling under his breath Guarantees have been made  Given

crestfallen Ray.

Ray

Aw for Christssake, I didn’t see that coming.

                                               Ray was on his back uncovered skinanbones

then he folded out of himself onto his face onto his back was shouldertoshoulder with him Wha the fuck that iteration blueing graying folded out of himself onto his face onto his back was shouldertoshoulder with him

                                                                                                        three Rays

the third was greennot rotting green no   looked sagelike fucking eternal    his soul

they laid side by side by side on the Kingsize bed

he and Sandy were standing at the beds edgeSandy staggeredcaught herguided her onto a dressing chair turned back to Ray and as he did he said Aw for Christssake, I didn’t see that coming. Ray guaranteed those would be his last words

Anya fucked that up for me.

                             he smiled the biggest mostpleased mostbeautiful smile hed ever seen on Rays face not even when he lost his longmalingering cherry did he smile that beauteous

closing his eyes he took a bright clear untroubled breath

   then Ray sighed  a long sweet birdcall

before 0900,  2sday,  9  1. 24

111preferred,  2sday

bad tooth at night

                          a bad tooth gets one thinking of other things to ignore the ache

he took a hot bath sat a shotglass of whisky he sipped from on the edge of the tub  washed the liquor backanforth over the tooth to help anesthetise rolled it round for fiveseven minutes swallowed sipped again

the light from a candle he lit flickered

there was a draft

the strobing reminded him of police cruiser lights

responding to a call

pulling someone over for a traffic violation

                                              an alleged violation

he had won two of three in court

a fourth he didnt fight

                        he was speeding

he didnt feel one should fight when they knew they were wrong

                                                                     antithetical to being honest

and he was that

                   brutally honest

it humoured him to think he was being pulled over in the bathtub by a cop

hopefully by being naked the cop wouldnt frisk him

                                                       though might ask him to pull his cheeks apart

You got anything in there?

Loose change

You tryin to be a smart ass

And

     The Columbia Encyclopedia In One Volume  1946

two of his cats came into the bathroom and started circling one another parrying  dancing

                                                                                               the walls looked like a discoball dappled them

he wondered what the song was they heard

                                                then

a third blundered in  he was big oafish

startled they fled into the hall

the two left towards the bedroom

oaf right

   in the upper corners at his feet he recognised iridescent spiderwebs candlelight trembling on them

the left was a remnant web right inhabitedspider tucked deep into the corner it wasnt biting on the lightmotion in its web

     Hello friend he said  Appleseed was mighty pleased with that corner too

he sippedswished the whisky backanforth

                                             he thoughtwondered if the spider might be a descendant of appleseed  he imagined she was a she

                           how does one sex a spider

these days some boys were pretty enough to be girls an girls butch enough to be boys  which didnt bother him at all

he wasnt looking to get into anyone pants

he had pants

swallowed

took another sipswished

wondered where the draft was coming from steady  meting a steady flickering almost keeping time for the heat as it escaped the water

maybe

          fifteen minutes lefttwothree sips  tepid

pull the plug and out

or pull it empty half refill with more hot water

                                                 maybe the mirrorball ceases or maybe the light would finally entice the spider

tooth wasnt that achy anymore

                                  might be able to fall asleep

the feline dancers were probably in bed fast asleep

                                                         Wha do cats dream of

For tha matter  spiders

1238 or 0038hrs,  Monday,  8  1. 24

1137,  2sday,  9  1. 24

tea leaves say

                 Donald J Trump disqualified

VP-slavering Elise “Circus seal” Stefanik cancelled

MAGA swats away

crosses legal tripwires

DOJ has their asses

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkHCf6sjBgo

1534,  Monday,  8  1. 24

OH Elise  Did you say “January6 hostages”  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le_2dyVOCrQ

AwJesus  he puts his hand over his eyesfingers to his temples like synchedelectrodes

                                                                                            Time Whatime is it

It’s not late.  she was taking loaves of banana bread out of the oven

Feels a little late in my head

sympathetically What do you mean babe? she came over to him sitting at the kitchen table from behind rubbed his shoulders

A Freudian slip

                   Crossing it out is gonna look bad who Freudian slips while writing  Is tha even a thing  Shell still be able to read wha I wrote

What did you write?

Here   Look

             he leaned backshe leaned over his shoulder There jabbed it with his finger

Hmm.

Yah

     Think Ill rewrite the page  Between you and me

You say that, then you confess.

Confessions good for the soul baby even if you havent one

You have a soul.

Your soul  Youre generous sharin with me its whisper summer sun  warming me  bathing me

                                                                                                     Take it away I wont

I wont take it away.

Aw babe  he sighed deeply

                              One way or another

We’re not thinking about that.

   No

       Not when given why Im writing   Ill rewrite it

If I were her . . . I would like to see what you thought how you were feeling deep inside.  Your writing is always so spontaneous . . electric.

                          Read the paragraph look at the way you've written it . . your hand revealing your emotions.

I'm afraid if you rewrite it it will look scripted, won't synch with the other page.  Yaknow love, know what I mean?

   Youre right

                   Yaever get tired of being right

he took her hand from his shoulderkissed her wrist  felt her heart beat against his lips

Sounds like you were closing.

I was

You recall what you were going to write?

I do

Strike it. Close.

I was going to start a hot bath. Care to join me?

I would please

                 Right there

she kissed the top of his head

he struck it

              meant to write New Years not New Tears 

Fuck Freud

1612,  Sunday,  7  1. 24

2024,  Sunday

Hedgehoppers Anonymous  It’s Good News Week  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AglW6QpmPp8

Youre really really  You really just said Im rubber youre glue

                                                                     Man  How old are you

Stop it, I’m joshing ya. Come on, you remem . .

. . Hearing it Ive heard it  Never uttered it

Never.  You who tries hard not to use never.

   Never

What kind of kid were you?

Id have to say not stupid

                              Were you one of those kids

Those kids?how do you mean?  It was meant to be funny.

Lemme guess

                Were you also one of those kids who madeup nicknames for other kids  

he smiled brightlysmiled like he was confirmed

                                                   I’ve named more than a few.

Lemme guess

                Served you well when you went to college

Served me well. he puzzled

                              College?  How do you mean served me well in college?

You were in a frat too

You know I was, joined freshman year.

Yes  Yes you did   Ran with your childhood playground mentality an prospered

Nothing wrong with that. It was great fun I had great fun.

Fun

     Ill guess it didnt get turned on you you werent kidded by other guys who also had nicknames because   Well    Because there was always a bunch of you a little gang  hungout  played together

Yeah.  What of it?

Nothing of it I was making an assumption  Deducing

                                                         Adjectives adverbs on schoolgrounds didnt do much for me They didnt say anything about a person they were directed at  The names meant to humiliate  They werent he laughed sardonically  much evidence

he cocked his head to a side like a dog thinking maybe it heard a dog whistle

                                                                                    Adjectives and adverbs.

What kind of kid were you?

The kind who only responded to my name Some forshitmoniker didnt garner my attention

                                                                                                But that said I didnt hangout with a lot of guys onetwo buddies  There were other things I had to do

Other things. Such as?

Such as  Im going to deduce you also didnt have to do

he held his handsup chesthigh palms inwards waggled his fingers towards him  beckoning

                                                                                                 What?  What do you got?

I had jobs hustled landscaping delivered two paper routes since I was nine  Babysat in the evening even on school nights

         Tell me about your jobs growing up

Because man  You didnt have to

1219,  Sunday,  7  1. 24

2031,  Sunday

went one day long  

                     although he wanted to REMEMBER  distinctly  the terrible violence insurrection perpetrated at the Capitol January 6, 2021

back to business

                     Trumpvirus

the deaths on formers head

   as of today onemilliononehunredninetyonethousandsixtyfive 1,191,065 Americans have died their family and friends suffering

his last entry on Dec23 onemilliononehunredeightyninethousadninehunredthirtytwo 1,189,932 Americans had died

therefore on average over these past fifteen days seventysix 76 Americans have died of Trumpvirus                                                                                                                               yet YET

Floridas politically-appointed Surgeon General Joseph Lapado asserts that components of the vaccines “pose a unique and heightened risk of DNA integration into human cells . . .” and is calling for the halt of distribution and the use of mRNA Trumpvirus boosters

                                  perhaps an attempt to share a piece of the pie former hogs to himself

1144,  Sunday,  7  1. 24

https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/country/us/  

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/jan/04/florida-surgeon-general-covid-vaccine-misinformation-joseph-ladapo

https://content.govdelivery.com/accounts/FLDOH/bulletins/3816863

the Senate could have pulled the trigger

now kicked to the Supreme Court to pull it find former is disqualified

                                                                        he coudnt resist himself

the Court should allow him to concentrate his efforts on his four indictments the ninetyone felony counts see that theyre expedited in a timely fashion

                                   fashion

nifty tailorfitted orange jumpsuits

one Secret Service agent

8hr shifts

outside his cell

   once and for all affirming that the Department of Justice was not coming after YOU*  all the while they were coming after him

           maybe YOUSE should have paid stricter attention to the Republican Presidential debates

1637,  Saturday,  6  1. 24

0534,  Sunday,  7  1. 24

* “In the end, they’re not coming after me. They’re coming after you – and I’m just standing in their way.

“The ridiculous and baseless indictment of me by the Biden administration’s weaponized Department of Injustice will go down as among the most horrific abuses of power in the history of our country (projection) . . . Many people (who?) have said that; Democrats (who?) have even said it. This vicious persecution (‘I am your retribution.’) is a travesty of justice.”

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-deliver-fiery-post-indictment-speech-georgia-rcna88561 

he pulled into the parking lot at the market

                                                  Pretty empty tonight

Empty. Yes.

he stoppedparked

   Do you have to make me uncomfortable?

he halfturnedfaced her was restricted by the seatbelt harness

                                                                    How am I making you uncomfortable

Don’t give me that.

                       You know.

An yaknow me to ask if I know something

she twisted asif a hooked worm

No You know me if I know I do not ask

                                           So

How am I making you feel uncomfortable

she motioned her head to the windowshield to the emptiness outside the car

                                                                                 There.

There

         Theres a whole lotta nothing there

Look at the lines.

The lines

Yes.

   The painted white lines

Yes.  They designate parking spaces.

An wha of em babe

You’ve not parked between themyou’re straddling spaces.

Theres plenty of room We stopped for milk cereal fruit for the kids lunchbags well take all of fiveten minutes

                                                                                                                  Do you think the lots gonna fillwell piss someone off by taking spacesfacing in the wrong direction

That’s why the lines are painted. To organise . . the vehicles.

                                                                There’s a right way and a wrong way. You’re purposely disregarding them, their order.

Yaknow babe Ive known you for yearsYears   Since you were a teenager

                                                                               You werent an I don think you are obsessivecompulsive  Not until you started seeing this psychologist

She’s a doctor who cares about mecares about what I think . .

. . Who you pay I pay we have paid for a yea . .

. . It’s not been a year.

Its been a  year

                   I keep the books now thayave turned them over to me You want receipts yawanna see in black and white

Come on Lets get wha we stopped for

I don’t think so.

No

I don’t think so.

No  Okay

           Well  Im not leaving you here twisting because I defied lines The kids can buy their lunch at school tomorrow

he started the car

   You’re cruel, you’re terribly cruel.

When you see your doctor tomorrow be sure you inform her of this episode  The empty lot  Lines   My cruelty

Don’t tell me what to do.

Im sure yawont forget to tell her tha

1854,  Saturday,  6  1. 24

Awbrother

              Coud we not talk about this  At least  not   right now

   When?

Thas a good question   When I brought it up to you you werent interested in discussing it then

                                                                                                     Im not really in a place to discuss it now   Not right now  Which isnt to say I do not appreciate you returning to it  Please understand tha justnot in the frame of mind to talk about it   right now

But you have given it thought.

I have  I had given it a lot of thought when I brought it up to you

                                                                    But becausean entirely fair of you to ask some other time letya think about it   Id . .

. . Let up on the gas pedal?

Its not a gas pedal Not a good analogue

What would you think would be a proper analogue?

Then wed be discussing wha Im not in a place to discuss

                                                            Please it came out like he was begging they didnt beg

You’re right I’m sorry I’m pushing.

                                        I apologise.

Please don Its not necessary

                                  We can make a when

Would you like to?

Yes I would like very much to

she chuckled softlybemused

                                A dropdeaddate

he laughed above her chuckle

                               Sure   A dropdeaddate      I love you

I love you.

 

 

he asked What am I to you

2335,  Thursday,  4  1. 24

1228,  Saturday,  6  1. 24