sometimes I dream Im wide awake   early morning dark  Im waiting for the telephone to ring Im waiting for a call Id rather not take                                                                                                                               I go to turn off the electric lights  I didnt leave them On     I cant turn them off 

candles burn 

              they arent growing shorter

my hands tremble  I cant pick anything up 

                                             I cant write      Why would I leave a note

I wish the crying would start

then I couldnt hear the telephone

 

0041,  Twosday,  12  1. 93

1337,  Thursday,  29  4. 21

Emmit Fenn  Soak  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKZzMyKWyM4

Did I tell you?

                she was distractedher eyes moved about the roomwerent fixedwasnt really not really talking to him  talking out loud  perhaps to herself 

he spoke quietly so not to startle her or distract her  Wha

Let me tell you what I mean.

                               she didnt look at him  maybe she was talking to the quiet voice that emanated Wha 

If you tell me  then you can explain whaya meant

she tiltedtipped her head to one side  like a small bird  her posture alert to flee  still deciding if the voice was a threat or not

 

I didn’t tell you?  she ventured still not looking at him 

                                                         they were the only ones in the sitting room a library  yellow   the musk of old books in the air  pleasant   narcotic

No

Why didn’t I?

I do not know

I’m not embarrassed.

No  Youdon appear to be

I’m not.

       If I were I’d say so.  her arms drifted off the arms of the chair she drew her hands down into her lap  she worn a long dress buttoned down the entire length  she fiddled with one buttonfiddling with it between her thumbs and index fingers  slender delicate hands and fingers

I could tell you what I mean . . but I’m not sure you’d understandI don’t wish to waste your time . as valuable as time is . . and if you don’t understand me I’ll have wasted it.

Its for you to assess that risk

                                 RISK that sparked something  she turned her head and looked at himsaw him  truly  the birdishness goneher tremulous posture  her spine fixed itself  she shifted

                                                                            she did not stop at the bone button between her fingers

he hoped shed unbutton it

                              open herself up but one button   one small measure

 

she did not stop at the bone button between her fingers 

her eyes looked like buttons  hard  unblinking

                                                 trying to decide he thought  maybe

No. I don’t think I’ll waste my time.

that hurt 

he did not deign it did

                      he kept his poker face

No, I shan’t waste either of our time.

                                       she quit at the button  relaxed her fingers and hands

Then  he stood up solemnly  Ill excuse myself take my leave  I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening  Good night

Thank you. Good night.

walking away going out of the room he could feel her eyes follow him watching him asif he were a ghost  he wasnt too sure he wasnt he couldnt hear his footsteps on the lavish Indian carpet

passing out the doorwayturning left he looked out the corner of his eye for a fleeting moment

                                                                                                   shehadntmoved

he wondered what it was

he went up the broad staircase to his room on the third floor

he poured himself a whisky from a decanter sipped it undressed sipped it did his toiletry carried the whisky to his bedside table set it down opened the window to the night air it embraced him he looked at the moon saw the yellowlight escaping from the library lie on the lawn he turned to the nightstand took another sip turned back in the panel of yellowlight on the lawn he saw her silhouetteagitated  moving one side to the other in profile

he left the window sat in the chair beside the bedstand sipped his whisky

when he finished it he turned down his bed turned off the lamp and laid down

the bed was pleasant

the fresh air entering the room was pleasant

                                               falling asleep     his last thought

he wondered what she didnt tell

    

1056,  Thursday,  29  4. 21 

John Coltrane  My Favorite Things  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqpriUFsMQQ 

 

they looked over the top of their beer at each other as they sat in the sun

What did you say? 

                    I think I missed it.

Nah Yaheard I could tell by your eyes ya heard  Yaint no poker player

Maybe. Mind repeating yourself?

Ya understand Im quoting I suspect that may provide ya some comfort

Quoting?

I am

And who would that be you’re quoting?

Amos ‘n Andy . .

. . Oh Christ! 

                 Why are you getting upset

Amos and Andy, Amos and Andy. I know despite how you talk you’re not racist or prejudiced, but if someone didn’t know you . .

. . Theyd learn me real quick

Learn you.

Quick

I got to say, you don’t seem to care what people think of you.

I don  Im unlike ya

Me?

You 

     Let it go ya know ya gotta have people like you Its yer personality 

Maybe, however I can't figure you out.

Nothing to figure  Not lookin for approval I prefer worthwhile conversa . .

. . Conversation? Bullshit, argument. Your purpose is to incite and provoke, manohman, I know you know that, you do it with me -- like right now!

If yaint frenetic rubbing sticks together yawont start a fire Who wants chitchat bullshit worthless conversations particularly in light of the times The point of discussion is to raiseto identify troubles brainstorm how to possibly provide solutions reevaluate perceptions

Okay, okay, okay.  Please, what did you say? Amos ‘n Andy’s quote.

De mess we’s in

De . . . do you gotta say it like that?

Im quoting Wouldnt say any other way

But coming out of your mout . .

. . Im quoting man  If people get butt hurt over a quote fuck em 

                                                                  Its apropos for the times  If Jesus Christ hadnt been crucified he would have found himself walking around repeating himself over and over again  Its frustrating  For me ya gotta grasp peoples attention somehow  I find offending them brings em round grounds em in a freakin hurry

Grounds them?

Yes True story 

                 As a man donknow who was strapped into the electric chair in Cook County Illinois for execution he said an I quote This will certainly teach me a lesson.

He died in Old Sparky

Old Sparky?

Hellyah Even as a kid I heardtell of Old Sparky Folks I might suppose tryin to frighten us to keep us on the straight and narrow

The straight and narrow?

Yup Heterosexuals

Ohman! You’re not funny, not gregarious at all.

I am not  never could understood wha it gotcha   Im egregious  

1720,  Monday,  11  5. 92

1409,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  28  4. 21

https://crimescribe.com/2018/08/24/on-this-day-in-1962-illinois-bids-farewell-to-old-sparky-and-james-dukes/

 

he wasnt one to pass up the obvious 

though he didnt make it obvious he was paying attention

                                                             later  sharing what he observed he was asked why he kept it to himself  

his reprise his too oft-given defence if it were was  It goes without saying   

which distinguished him from others he knew

when he said It goes without saying he didnt followup with what went without saying

that particularly redundancy confounded irritated him  it was Obvious

to have passed it upwalked by he would have been Oblivious

                                                               anwho wants to be fingered for that 

he doffed his cap figuratively he didnt care for caps or hats her responding text was  :  :  The analyzabilties of analphabetisms comparing the analogousness of analemma versus analcite causes analgesic reactions on my brain.

Oy vey

      her sentence made him feel like a yutz rather a yutz than a putz  puhlease

her The analyzabilites . .  were in response to his text  :  :  Analytics – gotta love anal

seemed to him people he knewconversations they had would shy away from anything anal might suppose because it was a four-lettered word  or as she might have written  analthing                                                                                                                                         Awcomon  ya act like ya never had yer temperature taken in the butt as a kid

he was done with their recoil 

anyone who talks to him hes going to declare anal Americas NEW RITE OF PASSAGE 

                                                                                         Rites of passage have fallen to the wayside theyve been carelessly sluffed offconsidered unnecessary  Were done with that

THEY ARE NECESSARY   

peeved him up an down 

                         transition from boy to man girl to woman wasnt puberty wasnt age wasnt because one said they wereNOPE

                Take a thermometer in the keister  then you can walk away straightening your belt adjusting your skirt calling yourself a man or a woman or whatever one wishes to call themselves in these gender-expanded days

when he was younger the table was set 

                                           Yessimpler times Yeshe understood transsexuals Yeshe understood there were homosexuals and lesbians  Have at it crossdressing confused him but nobody in his circle or circles he was invited into were going to be hurt for being who they were 

it was attraction it was sex nobody was murdering anyone 

                                                             anthose who hated them were who he intended to take issue with  those were the ones who revealing themselves were going to take the largest anal thermometers he could find

anif racist he was going to find thermometers with its glass tinted to the colour they couldnt abide

                                                                                                     anthen if they couldnt keep their mealymouths shut hed post their pictures on the internet

                                                                       Say Cheese

      

1057, replied 1134,  Twosday,  27  4. 21

0949,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  28  4. 21

soldier

       take out its I

                    solder

thats wha he gets for playing with words

solder -- a low-melting alloy  careful he was trying hard not to read into it  a low-IQ annoyer especially one based on lead or tin  used for joining less fusible metals 

take out its I

             beat the snot out of it until it lets go of its egoconforms to the desired army ant instinct  not to reasonnot to question  obey 

                  walk in lockstep  walk in goosestep 

nope 

      he missed the appeal

hell never forget his brother  then a recently enlisted indoctrinated jarhead returning home from basic training thinking – maybe he should have believed – thinking he could take apart his older brother 

                                                                                   they had a fistfight on the front lawn  they meant to have it in the backyard but push came to shove and as he learned and knew  if a fights inevitable get in the first punchhis brother beat him to it  he wouldnt have hit him from behind so turning to lead them into the backyard it was a glancing blow off his left cheekbone  had he turned left as was his usual his kidbrother probably would have dropped himcaught him turning into the punch

all HELL broke loose 

                    his little sister raced through the front door into the house to fetch their mother to break it up

before she made it outside he had his brother inverted and was bouncing him on his head on the lawnLET HIM GO! she screamed 

          it was a terrified screamshe was right to scream because it was probably the only thing he could have heard maybe he was listening for it he flopped him onto his back in case his mother needed to give him mouth to mouth to resuscitate him 

                 it wouldnt be the first time  it was the last

the Marines did a mighty good job of removing the I from the soldier

he didnt come home until later that evening

he remembered breaking into tears and walking off

he must have walked to the railroad tracks his shoes were mighty scuffed up 

his hands were swollenthe left side of his face and head was bruisedswollen  his brother never had much of a left

he came home because he was hungry and he hadnt any money  his wallet on his dresser  he hadnt planned on going anywhere when his brother called up to him from the foot of the stairs to meet him out front 

                                                                                                he thought some of their buddies had stopped by  he let a slew of them knowcalled around because his brother up and enlistedwas gone before they could throw a hullabaloo for him

they did show

                a couplethree of them showed after he walked off and helped his mother take him into the house where she could better examine him

his kidsister ran off to the corner house across the street where a friend of the familytheir mothers in particular had been a nurse before she had a family  she came over to help

he was duly informed of the goings-on by his father Your mother’s too upset with you to talk to you right now  he was at the dinner table in the kitchen eating a cold meatloaf on rye sandwich  he had thick slices of raw onion on it yellow mustard  he sipped a cold glass of milk

Thats too bad

                I . . I didnt throw the first punch 

2130,  Saturday,  24  4. 21

1514, Monday,  26  4. 21

 

how often does one go back to the well

                                         that would likely depend upon whats in the well his wasnt lifethreatening gaming  pool 

               returning to a particular shot he practised and practisedpractised ad nauseam worrying itpresenting it as improbable a hustle  often broke the backdrained away his opponents will to resist or try turn aside what seemed inevitable

miss the shothowever inevitability flopslays over his shoulders like an heavy oxen yoke 

but its only a game 

                      it is not life or death 

although it could beone could gamble their life on a pool game 

                                                                  a coin-toss

some people might be convinced itd be worth their while  induced by money if theyre distraught enoughpressed hard enough

Call it. 

      isnt that gracious  now its a spectators sport when is a game a sport when there are spectators 

Call it. 

       fifty-fifty

but fifty-fifty wont feel fifty-fifty if you loseif your throats going to be cut no double-or-nothing going to be cut which could also mean leverage  servitude 

                                         -- Game time again

-- Thats cold

it can be warmed up 

slip a sleek bullet into a revolver chamber and spin it

Russian roulette

                  can suppose its considerably cheaper than affording a gaming table wheel croupier and gamblers

far grittier

          far better odds than fifty-fifty

it takes all kinds

all kinds of wells

all kinds of people

                   he gave up hustling before things got too hectic violent   people got their feelings hurt when they lost

         he couldnt go out the front door

last couple of times he left through the attic across rooftops 

hed bet one of those monkeys could be convinced to play Russia roulette

at least their feeling wouldnt get hurt if they lost

1719,  Saturday,  24  4. 21

1312,  SunnyDay – not,  25  4. 21

https://www.rbth.com/history/332732-history-russian-roulette-game-origins 

Zappa  Fifty-Fifty  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACYfndr1DwY

 

the country suffered crybaby Boehner the “uncompromising” Speaker of the House 

the country suffers House Minority leader Kevin McCarthy whos fondest wishwet dream – if he can still manage one -- is to become Speaker 

                       anyet neither was able to manhandle their caucuses  unlike Madam Pelosi  or display convincing leadership  Boehner quit  McCarthys up to his Adams apple in horseshit which quivers gelatinously when he gulps the January 6 insurrection was the formers fault  then it wasnt  kiss the ring Kevin a better treatment than suffered in Gucciones Caligula all the Republican Party can do is whine and bellyachehold up the formers Big Lie

https://www.msnbc.com/the-beat-with-ari/watch/-dangerous-trumplicans-gop-leader-defends-trump-out-of-fear-110888517713

Republicans cant be happy for Merrick Garland who they ghosteddenied a hearing for the Supreme Court and now cant be denied as Attorney General of the United States 

                                                      they have a hard time standing up and cheering for the United States  theyre apparently best as supplicants cheering from their knees  their concern is branding is raw power  they arent interested in governance  rather Look at me! It's me! LOOK!  

1747,  Monday,  26  4. 21   

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/mccarthy-bemoans-liz-cheneys-nonstop-grumbling-about-trump-when-leaders-dont-work-as-a-teamit-creates-difficulties/ar-BB1g6Pqn?ocid=mailsignout&li=BBnb7Kz  

https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/anecdote-in-nyt-report-paints-mccarthy-s-leadership-during-1-6-trump-riot-in-poor-light-110898245906?cid=eml_mra_20210427&user_email=e4c91d00eead6d858374885584701152a02c6d873bb23bf387b4583a289e5951

 

ever get caught up in a revolving door 

                                      anbetter yet to power a revolving door so fast that people dondare to try to get in  or does security want to try either

usually security came from inside the building leaving a hole in their operation that he could hurl himselfhad to hurl himself out onto the pavement avoid peeved hands trying to grab anhold him because he heldup their day fivesix minutes

        he rolledscraped his bare arms  he crieslaughs eyes shut tight Ya couldave joined me ya couldave tried  No takers no takers shame on you

he got away more often than he didnt

                                    that was a physical revolving door

he still likes themhas to pull himself back from wanting to do as he did when he was a kid however time to time he takes several revolutions to soothe himselfsoothe the beast that lingers in his memory

the beast recently has been displeased with him that hes not letting up on the length of the leashkeeping it tight and in check 

     anlike all things frustrated they look for a release

the beast was smarter than it looked

it waited for him to fall asleep and begin dreaming then like a commercial interruption fuck advertisers who insist its a break the beast scribbled in abysmal handwriting on the black spacethe suspended void of interrupture applying a leaky tincture of phonaesthetics

                                  Ya lookin an listenin, palooka, yapayin attention?  Got to  Im a captive audience prick  Yes. Yes yare.

the reveal is in rapid succession  blue waders  blue waters  blue waiters  blew waitersHA

lights begin to comeup words fadeout

the dreamnot missing a beat flickersreignites 

                                                 it made him leerynot preoccupied rather a tad frustrated   his beast had taught itself a neat little trick anknew it could get under his skin

the malevolent dream trying to be he wasnt afraid of the dark shuffles images of brutal walkways uprooted gardens broken gates uneven fractured pavement weeds reeking gangways threadbare hallways transom doorways wrecky staircases clinging ironworked fire escapes graveled coal-ashed alleys deserted streets potholed puddled oilyfaces reflecting overhead yellow streetlamps moonlit clouds staring black skies

                                                                   Ur-labyrinths  his fashionhis kind of dreams

                   INTERRUPTURE the beast again 

                                                   he hears a sound a chucklelaughter who knew a sense of humour

it could be impossible to take it down a peg or two nothing compares to consciousness 

                                                                                            cinematic eh? simianmatic semenmatic TOUCH A NERVE YET  

lights begin to comeup . . .  

0233,  Monday,  26  4. 21

1303,  Monday,  26  4. 21

Natalia Lafourcade  Nunca Es Suficiente (It’s Never Enough)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYK9QpEA3j4

 

coming into the hallway from out of his bedroom he felt her presence

he stopped not a step into the hall and looked right

she stood framed in her bedroom doorway

she was a bit taller than the doorknob

she stood centered in it asif the jambs were toxic

her armshands hung before her

she held them towards each other but they did not touch

she stood like a supplicant

which was eerie

                that wasnt herwouldnt ever be her shed go to Hell before supplicating to anyone for anything

Whasup baby

I think I lost it, Dad, you told me to be careful, and I think I lost it.

confessions good for the soul but he didnt think he had qualifications to listen it wasnt on his Dad List anhe read it over and over again to assure himself hed be a good fatherthe best he could possibly be 

                                                                                       he wanted to be a good father

she was his first child

he turned up the hall towards her she wasnt as tall as the doorknob Wha is it that yathink youve lost love  

You told me to be careful with it, now I can’t find it.

Wha is it sweetpea I can help you look for it

I’ve been looking for it since after breakfast.

Oh I thought you were cleaning your room

Sorta, I guess, while I looked for it.

Please for wha 

                he shouldntve pressed it occurred to him only after it came out of his mouth and he saw how his words racked hermade her unstable her spine unlocking  unhinged

he made it to her before she went to pieces 

                                             Therethere little girl he wrapped his arms around her something between a cast holding a broken bone or a tourniquet to stop her from hemorrhaging  It will be okay love It is okay

she sobbed

he heard his wife getting up from her sewing in the livingroom

he anticipated when shed enter the hall behind him and briefly waved her off then reclasped his daughter to him again

he saw his other daughterthree years younger than her sister sitting on her portion of their trundle bed 

                                                                                                           her eyes were big thats sayin something her eyes were huge to begin with

he smiled at her to assure her that everything was going to be okay

tears welled in her eyes

his smile directed at her helped her to wipe them away with the sleeves of her blouse and smile a little broken smile

 

the stitch 

         she lost the long singlefilament stitch the doctor pulled out of his incision after healing from a shoulder tendon surgery

she was curious in the doctors office 

                                       they all went in . .the four of themhis wife and girls  the doctor was cool

the doctor explained that he had healed wellfurthur ahead of other patients time to remove the stitch

his wife stoodwent to take the girls with her from the room 

                                                             he chided  Yare like rats fleeing a sinking ship . . I didnt know until now that rats can swim 

                                     he smiledwanting her to know he was teasing

his daughter didnt want to leave

                                   his youngest was at her mothers hip with the motionsway in her stepswinging in her arms  Get the hell out of my way!  

Sticking with me baby he said to her

I’m sticking with you, Dad. she scrambled up onto his lap and sat still shed have the best seat in the house

Thas my girl

the doctor laid out a prepared tray of sterilised tools 

                                                      he liked that the mat was babyblue  comforting

Aniela eyes grew wideshe eyeballed him searched his face to try and gauge his discomfort

he wasnt uncomfortable if there was to be any pain itd be good pain

the doctor snipped the knot at the top of the incision and then grasp the other knot near his elbow with a hemostat 

You set? he asked

 

Yaset Yeller

I am, Dad.

Were set doc

the doctor placed a gloved hand on his shoulder Then we’re off . . and in one long deliberate pull he extracted it

he felt a persistent tug flipswitch back and forthback and forth down the length of the wound

an interestinqueer pain not that Aniela would ever kmow 

There you go. the doctor said he went to toss the filamentstitch in the trash

Aniela spoke to him with her eyes 

                                   fixed him

Doc 

Yes?

Well take the stitch to-go ifya donmind

The stitch?

Thats why they call ya doc aint it always ahead of the game  Anielad definitely like the stitch please

 

they dug around together looking for the fiilament in the girls bedroom 

                                                                          no luck 

Did you put it your underwear drawer

My underwear drawer?

If Maw doesnt want to lose something she puts it in her underwear drawer I keep my tacky lil pamphlets in my bottom drawer

        later his wife asked Really? Really? Of course he confirmed  Jesus, Joe.

No, Mom didn’t tell me.

Awright then Im tellin ya both if we don find the stitch youll likely remember into the future

never did find the filamentstitch 

                                  but then neither girl ever misplaced something that meant something to them

0937,  Sunday – Aniela’s birthday – 25  4. 21

1644,  Sunday – Aniela’s birthday,  25  4. 21

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/like-rats-fleeing-a-sinking-ship-history

Zappa  Dirty Love  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaXWG0fBYuk