he reminded her that his compassion was hard won

You keep saying so.

I do  because unconditionally you dole out your compass . . 

. . You think compassion has conditions?   it was nearly a snarl

It should  it should because the people who have secured your unblinkingyour unquestioning compassion arent worth it Theyre using you And not that I havent said this before to you about them 

                                                                                   Theyre  snakes 

That’s cruel.

To whom

To them, and to me . . 

. . Stop Yare like your mother You fall over yourself to help someone reflexively  without thought without questioning the circumstances yare so willing to aid

her eyes were wet   she glared

This conversation is not new You knew this about me when we dated You knew this when I asked you to marry me  Not new

 

Compassion We either have it or we dont I do  but at the price of knowing why I should be compassionate

Tryin to cultivate it I think thats appropriate cultivate it it is not an innate quality for me anwhile I may be improved exhibiting it an indignation hangs  a stain colours it

Donya think a shallow compassion is treacherous

Compassion Latin  To suffer with

 

Am I making any sense We havent gone into this this deep before

It is my compassion; and I will use it as I see fit.

Anyado Ive never tried to limit it you Yare upset is that Im not elbows an knees in it with you Thats not questioning you I accept you as you Im asking that you accept me who you knew me to be  as me

Why . . .

Please A shallow compassion I would eventually resent whoever because I didnt need to suffer their pains I chose to An choosing I can as easily choose to turn my eye away ignore them cease my discomfort 

Shallow compassion doesnt work 

When mine is earned Im all in 

Out of hand  out of hand   the only compassion Im willing to dispense without conditions though conditions are implied is for you and the children

Everyone else can bark up a tree without attesting first why they should deserve mine

 

the hastily constructed dam broke tears dribbled out of her eyes 

                                                                     she didnt sob 

I thought that you, you might see, one day, the error of your ways.

he didnt say 

            he thought  she was religious her parents were elders in the Presbyterian Church you worship a God who is Remote youve let Him snuff the godlike Nature which is inherently yours 

                                                                             unfortunately  not a discussion

 

1315,  Friday,  24  1. 92

1511,  Monday,  1  3. 21

Do as I say, not as I do (because I’m not telling you what I did).  says the orange Dear Leader to his loyal followers

https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-got-the-covid-19-vaccine-at-the-white-house-in-january-2021-3

Trump virus has killed 517,000 Americans

2001,  Monday,  1  3. 21

https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow/watch/trump-kept-january-vaccination-a-secret-let-supporters-go-astray-on-covid-science-101813317650?cid=eml_mra_20210302

he found himself doing something he doubted few people did

if they were in cars they were screwed 

they werent competition

                          not with him

he owned it 

            anif someone tried to step inbetween him and it take it from him theyd find their hands full

 

he walked with hawks they accompanied him overhead 

somehow he knew they were therehe lookedup out of the book he was reading 

                                                                                  bold as brass

hed always been keen to their cries but today they were soundless somehowsomeway he was keen to their wings slicing the high silverblue currents they soared on 

                                                          Whasat 

then lookingup he found one   then another 

twos   once threes 

he was gratefultheyd never how much 

                                   but then he maybe thought they wouldthat they were cognizantthey were on a mission his daughter divined 

she admired them as much as he

                                  MORE

they were her totem

his were buffalo  though on rare occasions hawks might have outtouched them

his earthiness demanded buffalo 

                                    however  sometimessomething  ethereal   airy    a hawk 

she was tickled to know that about him

knowing at once his tendency to brusqueness

then that he could have a light lovelyeffervescent touch

 

he walked with hawks the entire time he was out

they looked over his shoulder as he read 

                                            laughed at him when he walked backwards through an intersection  drivers irritated  honking their car horns 

                                   Fuck em HUH

in California  a pedestrian  in broad daylight  knock him down hed be up and through the windshield eating their eyeballs he wasnt someone to underestimate trifle with he was a buffalo of abundant readied violence constantly sounding in his ears running in his veins  slippery   like a hawk slicing through the sky

                                                                                               1824,  Sunday,  28  2. 21 

                                                                                                1024,  Monday,  1  3. 21 

 

shed never be accused of handling material deftly

                                                      she juggled it like balls too big for her hands

at the getgo  going well 

                             the first bobble threw her timing off

then she was unable to keep the rhythm

 

           erring 

                      bobbling  all the balls falling down 

one would think that for as long as shed been trying 

                                                        shed stop give it up      Quit

Quit wasnt in her

she walked from ball to ball picking them up

ball by ball she inspected them

it had to be the balls

some imperfection she missedoverlooked 

certain a ding an imbalance 

                                        she couldnt find either

she shook the dustpicked the lint off the line Absence of evidence isnt evidence of absence

it brought a shortlived solace

any harbor during a storm

its Any port in a storm 

she liked harbors 

                     wasnt a sailor likely to have a woman in every port

its A girl in every port

she liked women

 

obfuscation 

              obscuring 

                           denying something doesnt make it any truer                               

maybe if the balls were different colours

she tried that

maybe if the balls were significantly smaller

she tried that

Maybe you ought to stop. If it was meant to be you’d have succeeded by now. 

Succeed

Success is in the trying

he really liked her

 

                     he had an aversion to perfection  

2240,  Saturday,  27  2. 21

Outkast  Liberation  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuHlbLzrjiI

    Hmmm   unmoored 

                                      

                                              she wouldnt approve

a mooring suggests the sea

she didnt mind standing on a beach looking out to sea

she didnt mind swimming out to sea

hundreds and hundreds of metres

he swam with her because she asked  Would you like to swim out with me?

it was Hawaii  Black Rock 

                              theyd leapt from the rocks  actually he leaptshe dove

The water's so clear, I can see the bottom.

Lets go

they breaststroked out jabbering the whole way 

out and out

                Are you getting tired

No, Dad, are you?

No  but Im bigger than you

No, I’m fine.

Okay  though eyeball back  every stroke out like walking is a step back  cept we donhave to worry about drowning on land

That's a good point, Dad.

I have them on occasions 

I can’t see the bottom.

he looked  he couldnt see it either  Yah me neither

Dad? 

     she looked at him with her huge beautiful brown eyes  her mothers eyes  their ridiculously expressive eyes  Do you think . . . . there are . . sharks . out here?

Love  sharks live in the ocean

They do.

They do 

she looked over her shoulder at the distant beach  stopped swimmingtread water   I . I think we can swim back now.

he tread water beside her  Think its time

she fixed him with her eyes trying hard not to betray any emotion  they were bigger than moments before

Yeah. I think so.

Okay   Quiet  steady strokes  Im right beside you love

We really swam out far.

We really did  Ill betcha well see the bottom real soo . .

. . Yeah, soon.

Soon  In a heartbeat

she was looking

In a heartbeat

Yes.  A heartbeat.

 

 

Anthere ya go baby theres the bottom  You see 

                                                  shed been looking steadily for it the whole time  Oh, yes, you’re right .. I can, I can see it.

There you go  the water is growing shallower and shallower with every strokeeach an every stroke  Nice and steady love

 

there was hell to pay when they got back

                                          Momma bear  What the hell were you thinking? at him Do you know how far out you swam?

No  Aniela  Do you know how far out we swam

Mom, we swam until we couldn’t see the bottom; I don’t know how far.

I do, I walked out to the end of the Rock, I could barely see your headsToo far!

And were back

And you’re back. 

                  Is that some kind of salve?

Were back  Id say so  Aniela wouldnt you say

Yes, I’d say so.  Mom, I’d say so.

That’s not for you to say, Aniela, I’m talking to your father.

Mom, I asked Dad to swim with me, he let me lead, we didn’t go out further than I couldn’t swim back.

she shook her head  A couple of idiots, a big one who should know better, a little one who doesn’t know any bette . .

. . I do.  I know how far I can swim, Mom.

 

 

but no one could put Aniela on a boat

                                       she wasnt having it   she had nightmares

unmoored

                   without her  thats exactly how he felt 

                                                           unmoored  untethered  she had been his fixture   rudderless

    a year later

                        he couldnt see the bottom

                                                                 1449,  Reggae Friday,  26  2. 21  tomorrow  the 27th                                                                 

 

                   he had a dream that every time he went to use the telephone – a telephone – not a cellphone not an iPhone smartphone he had no use for them  he was slavish only to the demands of his books that whispered seductively  breathlessly   he was slavish to written words  

                                                               he remembers freshman year high school in a study hall curriculum mandated that students had to suffer study halls half studies twenty minutes full periods forty minutes but the full period were actually half periods stitched together he had six minutes the passing time to get up from one seat in the study hall rows and rows of desks seats and worktops and work his way to another  a teacher sat before themmonitoring them at a table Quiet!  Quiet!   Quiet as in the library or a church 

                                                                                        a study hall as a sanctuary to read write do homework so he wouldnt have to carry it home at the end of the day in his arms  when he was a kid they didnt wear backpacks – if backpacks were worn  --  how was a guy to carry a girls books home for her no matter if she lived in the completely opposite direction of their house

in study hall behind opened text books he read Lolita Candy Story of O rather Histoire d’O he was studying French as his language requirement Naked Lunch  Marquis de Sades works frankly any and all porn he could get his hands on for four years 

                books  words  whispered to him

 

the telephone 

              every time he tried to use a telephone someone was on the party line a party line not the idiomusually considered the communist party line all political parties have party lines demands of the movements canon demands for conformity for ideological elements specific for partisanship 

                                                                 last time he fell for that crap was Cub Scouts

rather the party line was a loop telephone circuit shared by the neighbourhood  freakin entertaining to listen into if he was quiet enough to overhear housewife gossip  try not snicker WHO’S THERE?! GET OFF THE LINE! I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

LIKE HELL YOU DO hangup laughing

every time he tried to use the telephone someone was on it

in the dream he wasnt a kid

he was trying to get urgent word to  . .  someone 

                                                   the dream never said 

all he knew was that it was urgent 

                                     it was critical he found himself angrily hanging up then going from room to room an office building? an apartment building? floor to floor finding people  curiously men on telephones and knocking them off their chairs onto the floor  violently ripping telephone cords out of walls and throwing the phones out of windows whether opened or not 

                       he relished the sound of breaking glass its brittle shrillness

he shouldered through doors into rooms holding talkers 

sometimes they were people in conversation 

                                               he apologised for interrupting them 

he shouldered through quiet doors found the telephone in the room and tried to use it SOMEONE WAS ON THE LINE

ripped the telephone out of the wall and hurled it through the window

eventually he picked up a telephone and there was only the murmur a dial tone he remembered the number NE1-5471

he was panting anxious  whoever was supposed to be on the end either didnt pickup he let it ring for minutes or someone pickedup their voices muffled or mumbling he couldnt distinguish if it was a woman or a man 

                                                                                                              however  he forgot why he was urgently calling

a dream  a nightmare

AMish,  Reggae Friday,  26  2. 21

1147,  Reggae Friday – speaking to his state of mind

Emerson, Lake and Palmer  Karn Evil 9  1 st Impression, Part 2  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wa60v32WAkY

 

talking with his daughter last evening she blew him up with two sentences she hadnt shared with him before because as much reading and writing he did she assumed he was familiar with them

they were trying to dig themselves out from under the new sorrow of a dear friend who had died the night prior

he had received an email 

                           Joe. I really wish I never had to say this but we lost Mom at 7:05 last night.

at lost Mom he was calling his daughter she had beenas her sister mothered and raised by Mom  their sitter for eight years

Moms family and theirs were indivisible 

                                          the pain of her death was immediate sharp he struggled to read the next two sentences then concluded She went peacefully and is now with Dad. his voice caught several times as he read to her

they were haggard from death 

the familys eighth death inside a year

those deaths atop the halfmillion by Trump virus 

                              beat  down

reaching to share memories 

                             acknowledging them  the stories Mom was taking with her helped subside their sudden sobs  sighs   tears

 

he recently had written a letter to her boyfriend thanking him for films he thought he might enjoy if he didnt have them

her boyfriend was struggling with his handwriting he could have been a tagger

I tried hard babe I really did to write legibly  I reread it twothree times and thought I had achieved plain

You’re never plain, Dad.

I tried

I helped him I took the Valentine’s note you wrote me and transcribed it, printing it plainly. 

                                                                                                You know me to be able to write plain.

the self-depreciating monkey Funny  he said

You know I am.

So you provided him a decoder ring as it were

A decoder ring she laughed  I suppose I did.

Thank you

You know what you could have done?

No Wha

Written him the sentence The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog Why would I have written him thatI never heard of it  Whas that about

Dad? What’s that about?

Youre being rhetorical correct

You never heard that sentence before?

You mean Daughter beating her father senseless with a brown fox and a lazy dogNo

You’re kidding me?

Yareally gonna continue beating me while Im unconscious

I can’t believe it.

Believe Whas the import of the sentence

Jeez, Dad, it’s every letter of the alphabet in a sentence.

he ran it over and over in his head and conceded – she wouldnt lie to him – she was accurate 

                                                                                                 WOW Didnt know thatnever heard it Yes It likely would have helped had I known  How long have you known that clever little trick

I learned in grade school.

Well should have shared it with me edumacated me

Kids think their parents know everything.

Nah By the time I was seveneight I recognised serious discrepancies between the newspapers words and ideas I was delivering and what they knew a freakin void I couldnt see the canyon wall on the other side

Well, between Sis and I we never saw a canyon at all between us.

Thank you I suppose your Mom and I were a couple of sharp cookies despite not graduating college                                                                                                                               Yaseein a canyon now

Nah, maybe a teeny tiny fissure an ant can step over.

Wow yare certainly being magnanimous

Don’t mention it. 

                  Say, since you got me thinking . . . you ever hear of this sentence?

Did I open a can of worms

Maybe, maybe not.

he took a deep breath  Lemme hear it

You’ll like it.

Ill like it

Definitely. 

Awright  Im strapped in

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffulo buffalo. The first, third and seventh buffalo are capitalized.

I really like the subject as you said  Nope Never

Never?

Never

Never?

This an echo chamber

Man, Dad, you’re blowing me away.

You have Mom to thank

Yes she choked Yes, yes, I suppose I do.

If I may Ill borrow your phrase  Good Times Good Times

Ah.

Lets not forget the good times

 

123 or 1323,  Thursday,  25  2. 21

Peggy Lee  Is That All There Is?  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sWTnsemkIs

 

a friend shared a cigar with him My Father  he wasnt familiar with it but his friend had good taste last time they smoked together was on Morro Bays Embarcadero  they enjoyed Fuentes Hemingway Short Storys which have been his favourite cigar for years

his friend treated him not knowing that

as chance would have it they werent going to be able to smoke and talk so he left him with a cigar 

                                                                                                        Smoke it, write a story as you do.

Awright Yawanna a cameo appearance in it

Yeah, that would be fun, that’d be alright with me.

Awright What do you want your character called like a stage nameHA a porn name  Python

he looked at him as if suddenly he didnt speak Englishdidnt understand him

An alias nom de plumedespite not writing

I  don’t  know.

Think on it Shoot me a text when you have decided on one

I can do that.

Good Because I wont enjoy the cigar until I have a name yare okay appearing under

Okay. I can do that.

Good 

       they embraced said goodbye  they saw each other pell-mell  infrequently

 

he texted  :  :  One night in Guadalajara

  :  :  Awright  And what is the name of this character in Mexico?

  :  :  Boyfriend in Tights

  :  :  You’re killing me, man, killing me

OUTSIDE THE BOX

  :  :  On the road more travelled . . . memoirs of a drug addicted white whore

  :  :  Drug-addled white whore  I can work with that – providing a reason why your ears are big – good handholds

  :  :  Cheap Mickey Spurline highway murdered my mother with all

  :  :  With all . . . . what?

  :  :  The best intentions 

                            he must be fucked up popped a handful of edibles it had been a couple of hours after they separated

  :  :  Sketchy shit to work with, man 

I’ll try

  :  :  Tired now

the fuck tired by wha

he texted immediately  :  :  That was supposed to be Mickey Spillane’s Secret Lover’s Passion. Now a major motion picture starring Mickey Spillane as Mickey.

fuck closest thing he could recall from his library of Spillanes paperbacks was The Body Lovers it was never made into a film

definitely stoned

he texted again  :  :  Get on with the story.

 

wellfuck that was an exercise in futility 

                                           all he wanted was a freakin alias anhow nice to be able to choose your own alias not a nickname  but an alias

Spillane Mike Hammer

Arthur Conan Doyle Sherlock Holmes or The Coming of Fairies 

                                                                   Doyle after his son Raymonds death in the First World War was attracted to spiritualism and the occult a bereaved father his sons violent death pursuing closure anytime someone tried to peddle closure to him he had to stand up and walk away so he didnt damage them the fairy photographs were taken by a working-class family in rural Yorkshire  shared with Doyle by a Theosophist friend a friend like that one didnt need enemies

he was familiar with the esoteric  Theosophists Madame Helena Blavatsky familiar with their ancient secretive brotherhood of spiritual adepts known as The Masters at least they had the good sense to assume a handle unlike his buddy Christ Throw me a freakin bone!  he met and befriended a gentleman who was once head librarian at the Henry S. Olcott Memorial Library in Wheaton Illinois which housed and catalogued thousands of Theosophy texts

Wayne insisted the system wasnt a religion rather it preached the existence of a single divine Absolute  it promoted an emanationist cosmology in which the universe is perceived as outward reflections from this Absolute

Yaknow buddy Stop right there

What? Wayne was latherednear panting

Sounds like religion

It isn’t.

If it looks like a duck swims like a duck quacks like a duck

It isn’t.

It quacks

You don’t want to hear, your mind closes he snapped his fingers just like that

No Ive read some tracts read Madame Blavatsky The Masters  Ducks  To each his own man I can only imagine that working in such an environment itd rub off on youyoud absorb it how could you not Yasaid you worked there nearly seven years Words like water eventually finds their way in

I still remember things from catechism things I can regurgitate which I learned kneeling on a broom handle

 

 

  :  :  Get on with the story . . .

he thought he had 

 

he fired up the My Father almost triggered a prayer  who art in Heaven creamy taste  light  a 52ring Robusto

he hadnt had a cigar in shy of a yearNo two years his daughter brought him a Cuban she had bought while overseas  it was only the second Cuban he had ever smoked

the first was at a stag party  

                              not a place for him to be to be tempted by an attractive voluptuous stripper the best man pulled out all stops anted-up big time

he wandered to the back of the room out of harms way 

                                                        as a matter of fact he called her Harm when during a break after a couple of dances she approached him

she provocatively took the cigar from between his fingers all eyes and smiles and sinuous 

                                                                                               You mind if I have a puff?

Help yourself its Cuban so you know

she held it to her rubycoloured lips briefly kissed the end of it then parted her lips held it between her white teeth then placed her lips around it and sucked in a puff

exhaling  Hmm. My, this is good.  I don’t usually smoke cigars. 

                                                                    she helped herself to another toke exhaled it through pursed lips 

             looked like a volcano whispering

she lightly licked her top lip

the natives were getting restless

odds were in their favour

I believe your fans need of your attention

You’re not a fan.

I didnt say that 

                 I am good however of avoiding temptation

You’re tempted?

I said I was good at avoiding temptation

I can’t put words in your mouth, huh? 

                                        she rolled the cigar deftly between her fingers

No

Hmm. Not even if I said I’ve named my left breast  Words she giggled like a little girl

he could hear the smoke seep out of the cigar that was something

Yare cute

Cute? Really?  I’m beautiful.

You are Better beat ityare givin me ideas

she smiled like a wolf took a long pull on the cigar

he couldnt say he ever saw a cigar smoked so seductively

Lemme say this . .

. . Please.

Lemme say to your satisfactionIm sure  Yare killin me

Harm smiledhanding the cigar back to him

he tugged on it a couplethree of times before she let go

he moved in his pants

Good. she murmured 

                       as she turned to walk back to the natives Harm looked quickly over her shoulder  the softened lighting pickeduphighlighted the auburnreddish streaks in her hair That makes two of us.

Manohman she was definitely killin him 

he cleared his throat spoke loudly after her Ill let my wife know you said

she didnt turn back but laughed uproarious the peels shaking her head

 

she slayed the room

very agile

supple

Harms way was the best he ever laid eyes on 

Hmm never did come up with a characters name

My Father was a tasty cigar 

                               he was terribly pleased it refreshed a long ago memory

1711,  Sunday,  21  2. 21

1154,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  24  2. 21