he asked

she blinked once

Yes

twice meant No

simple

distilled communication

functional

all parcels parsed

minimal

on the eyegaze machine

                           y   n

shortesthand

no exposition

heartbreaking she finally conceded

                                      y  to a larger morphine dose

4 days after her physician prescribed it

4 breathing

4 pain

she dragged her feet

y b in pain he asked

n  p

he smiled sadly yet bemused they were athletes they defined p as discomfort they refused to allow p a purchase

                                                                                                                        not p

he showed her the dose in the modified syringe

she blinked once

he took a breath

they knew where this was going

he infiltrated the morphine through her g-tube

she closed her huge beautiful brown eyes 

she had her mothers eyes

she wept

           tears filled the inside corner of her left eye

her eyes were sunken

                        tears when she allowed them heartbreaking collected

he went to dab her eye

he saw himself reflected in the quiet pooled tears

                                                     looking beyond his reflection he saw her on her seventh birthday playing on a Slip N Slide in the grass with friends she handpicked from among all her friends

                                                                                                  who were invited by telephone calls to their parents  they sidestepped the injury of not receiving a paper invite at school

it was a beautiful gay sunlit day filled with crystalspray splashing and thrilled laughter

he used the same Kleenex to quiet his tears and hold to his mouth as he left the room so she wouldnt hear him moan wouldnt hear him cry 

                           p

Day-between-Two-Ts evening,  12  2. 20

1052,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  12  8. 20

he tried to sleep

he was exhausted

he didnt want to imagine again what he had been imagining recently to fall asleepthat let him sleep

she forgave him when he told her though he wasnt sure he would be able to forgive himself later

she used her eyegaze machine and wrote If it works, Dadu, whynot? she wrote whynot as he wrote whynot in letters to her her eyes smiled over the top of the ventilator mask strapped to her head

to fall asleep he rolled himself inside a carapace an angled shiny skin

                                                                         blastfurnace heat inside icycold without

a dichotomy separated by an Kafkaesque insect scale

he didnt know if inside or outside was his comfort or why it worked

                                                                           it just did

2038,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  12  2. 20

1544,  Twosday,  11  8. 20

                                    when she woke suddenly stunnedwoke to her living nightmare  she was terminallyill

he hopedcrossed his fingers that she woke from a beautiful dream

                                                                      but no one wakes in terror from a beautiful dream
no one wakes gasping unable to breathe eyes bulgingswinging around the room for help because she cant help herself hadnt been able to help herself for better than two months

                                                           wholly dependent on her husband sister and father

frightened

          what could be more frightening than being terminallyill at forty years old with two young daughters and all the things they had planned to do things  she had planned to do

2033,  Wednesday,  12  2. 20

1517,  Tuesday,  11  8. 20

he asked his daughter to text him The moon was melting into the sky

                                                                          he liked the sentiment but thought he might be able to say it better

when she did text it to him he replied an oval of butter melting under a thin rind of blue marmalade

she replied Ooooh he heard her Ooooh more than read it her Oooohs were sensational you were fortunate if you ever heard one it made your skin go goosebumps 

that evening as he walked he pointed the moon out to anyone he crossed

crossing them – they hadnt noticed – something about being too busy to see to look up into the sky – Ah he replied you take things for granted

they blustered Obviously, you’re retired.

he didnt say one way or the other

he let them think what they wanted they would anyways

when he was a boy and learned what retirement was he laughed he knew he wouldnt be able to retire afford to retire

and he was okay with that even then

retirement meant having a career

                                    and there was no fucking way he was going to have one of those

he was passionate about Life living would suffer no confinement and its attendant horseshit

                                                                                                   he didnt own a suit

he had a sport jacket he bought forty years ago

a concession he made in order to attend a wedding

he made it a point to watch the sun set 

he made it a point if not to watch the moon then to go outside spend five minutes and say goodnight to it

he was usually at work before sunrise

0849,  Twosday,  11  2. 20

1105,  Twosday,  11  8. 20

https://twitter.com/Jim_Jordan/status/1292847141422018562

                                                                      HEY Republican Representative House Freedom Caucus member FREAK Jim Jordan 

                                        howbout you get your priorities straight howbout you get behind the emasculated United States Postal Service and help them do their job despite the appointed Postmaster General Louis DeJoy  whos apparent joy is sucking The Presidents cock

Fall football

             or critical mail delivery provided to every American in every town and city and every rural province

1711,  Twosday,  11  8. 20

he tried to wipe the sleep out of his eyes but it stuck

                                                       and it was stuck-tight for theHAR foreseeable futureNo fuckin rest for the wicked – nah he wasnt wicked per se – he was a caretaker  he split time with untrustworthy others who were helping an old buddy who had no one left

                                            they had exited five of six in a car accident some ten years or so ago  the survivor was murdered not long after a cold case unsolved  cops couldnt cobble a motive together

                                                                                                        perhaps forgetting that motive isnt intrinsic sometimes murder is coldblooded without rhyme or reason it presents  its opportunity an someone dies

he didnt think that

he was told by an older employer when he was a young teenager

                                                                     Bill Hems

Bill was a rabid  John Bircher rabid

                                      Yawan, ya can get away with murder, easy.  Yep.  Don’t doubt me, boy. Roll somewhere out of town. Walk up behind someone in the middle of the night an shoot ‘em in the back of the head.
Walk away.

No motive, boy.

Except you wanted to kill someone.

Ever want to kill someone?

I have.

But then I’d have motive.

If you killed them, randomly, they’re known to take walks at night, you’d never be suspected. That; and you’re a boy.

when his buddy called him for help he flewno questions asked

they needed him

he was there

he could have said No

someone else may have

he didnt have a No for him Ever

his buddy wouldnt have had a No for him Ever

                                                 Whacha need? hed move Heaven an Earth if he could

they were committed buddiesthey broke knuckles together back-to-back

                                                                             rarely but on occasion toe-to-toe  theyd irritated the other they were volatile flammable  no apologises necessary  the best-of-friends lovers husbands wives on occasion couldnt stand the other

                                      however those spatsthose insignificant moments in time over years an years were forgivable they didnt erode the deep feelings they had for each other

everyones a fuckin human being

aint a more faulty creature ever made

                                         catch em in a bad mooda foul mood intolerant theyd break an broken ya both own it

they were dyed-in-wool buddies

too bad one wasnt a broad 

either would have married the other

he was exhausted

                     he couldnt imagine exhausted and dying

eventually theyd find their way out

itd end

not for him

             then hed be responsible to tell his buddys story  happily

Yagot a moment  Ill buy ya a beer   I got a great fuckin story

1402,  Monday,  10  2. 20

1627,  Monday,  10  8. 20

Mark Meadows the White House chief of staff  the informal leader of the 2013 Republican suicide caucus a devotee of the House Freedom Caucus apparently wants to up his suicide cred to homicide     

https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/mark-meadows-makes-difference-not-good-way-n1236366?cid=eml_mra_20200811

all Meadows has accomplished throughout his political career is being unable to do anything

he and the FAKE PRESIDENT are a tight fit they walk in stepcould say they walk in goosestep   SIEG HEIL!

1257,  Tuesday,  11  8. 20

Tarzan didnt say as much

                          but he was certainly leading him to it  

he knew Tarzan was too kindtoo reserved to say as much to hurt – nobody could hurt his feelings  he didnt have any – to hurt his feelings

                   which unfortunately was a deficit in Tarzans makeup he couldnt bring himself to offend anyone – ifya cant say something nice say nothing at all   which was horseshit – people need to be dressed downneed to be heldup to scrutiny heldup to derision heldup to scepticism

                                                     otherwise they skate away quickly feel free to neglect questions or challenges or opposition  and then too far away from the point they interjected they aint doublingback to offer any explanation or defence

which is why people called him rude   rude to deflect his interruption and try to rally polite listeners to their defence

that ploy didnt work either

and thats when in fact he became rude

he could be as rude as the smell of freshcrushed dogshit on someones sole

so . . Tarzan didnt say

                       an hed have to say it for him holdup Tarzans gun to his head

I think what it is you want to sayare trying to say is that either Im perverted or what comes out of my mouth you find to be perverted at least in regards to your sensibilitiesyour . gentle . sensibilities kind sensibilities of which I have no patience for

Am I accurate

he looked like a worm twisting on a hook impaled  fearful to be feed to largemouthed toothed denizens of the deep

still no reply

hed let him off the hook

                       he looked pale looked uncomfortable despite his joy in making comfortable people uncomfortable

Tarzan if pressed Id concede that I write – as I speak – pervert prose and poetry

Yaought to give it a try sometime

                                   It is liberating

Anif anyones worth liberating you are

I couldn’t. It’d be rude.

Sometimes nicety ought to be fucked in its nice clean white teeth

2137,  Friday,  7  8. 20

1354,  Monday,  10  8. 20

Wolffe  Fuck with Me  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8y5kD3qUoA  

$163K -- killed

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/the-debate-over-reopening-schools-continues-as-more-children-test-positive/vp-BB17NWC4

re-opening schools

                     perhaps white Americas latest way to lynch . .

1711,  Monday,  10  8. 20

when Tarzan thats what he calls him said it the first time it went off in his ears like a Fourth of July rocket firecracker  

he didnt say anything thenhe could imagine he wasnt hearing right they were pretty fucked up maybe they didnt need that third bowl but the shit taste great like smoking flowerslike creamybutter melting in their mouths seeping down their throats filling their lungs and exhaleddrifting like lazy smoke from a censer

                                                                              anhe was a bit distracted by the two chicas who sat across the street in the park on a blanket in skirts facing him with their knees drawnup 

it was a warm day and a slight breeze tickled the hems of their colourful skirts

maybe they were giving him a show

or maybe they werent

hed take them either way

white cotton pants the backs of ambercoloured thighs shins

                                                                reminded him of being a gradeschooler pleasant memories

AGAIN

       jarring  he heard him clearly  clearly the first time   it snatched him out of his prepubescent flashback

Comon Tarzan  Check it

Check it? he was obviously perplexed 

                                         he could see it in his face  Tarzan was telling a story and he really didnt want to interrupt him but . yareally gotta tell it right . . inaccuracies distrack  inaccuracies mar the Imagination thats kicked backshoes offwigglin its toes goin with a remembered flow a humourous tale

Tarzan wasnt a storyteller

for him  it was as easy as letting the air out of a blownup coloured toy balloon

maybe for others it wasnt that easy

he had to allow that

Im sorry

Fuck, man . . don't, I’ll lose my train of thought.

Fuck  A runaway train

I don’t know what you’re talkin about.

he wasnt going to waste his time he wanted to enjoy his high

I said I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Check it Stow it  Fuckin stop it  Youre veering me off the tracks train of thought runaway train Full set of hair

Whas a full set of hair

A full set of hair. It’s a full set of hair.

Saying three then fourfive times aint saying what it isI know what it is or what youre trying to say . . but its disrupting the story youre trying to tell me

I don’t know what to tell you, man.

                                     It’s a full set of hair.

Okay You mean . a full head of hair a full head of hair because a full set of hairIm seeing simian tits and cleavage tits covered with coarse Neanderthal hair .a full set of hair A full head of hair

Ohyeah.  Yeah. That’s what I meant.

I figured Cant tell you how disrupting your imagery was

                                                            Maybe you can start again

I don’t remember what I was talking about.

Fuckin guy 

it wasnt just because he was stoned  taken off point he often misplaced his point

Maybe itll come back

                       Yadont want me to say cuz youll kick yourself

No. Please say.

River float college-aged girls in thong swimsuits  but you cant hardly take your eyes of their full luxurious manes  the sunlight playing in them

Ohyeah.

Thong swimsuits They could have been bald for all the fuck I would have cared

the white cotton pants were still peeking at him

3-ishafternoon,  Friday,  7  8. 20

1143,  Sunday,  9  8. 20

Daisy Gray  Wicked Games  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4VU-AwxzSY    

        Sum sum   sumsum  mus – ic  he was stonedhavin a hard time gettin the words out

                              https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4t8M-Kvhfs                      

Anthen Im off to bed Anthem  off to be . .

Whashe talkinbout?

Dontink itsard to figur

Whaya talkinbout?

Christ

Christwha?

awJesus Christ  Lisen to harwords not hard to figur

I cabarely understand yerwords.

Shoudhav taken a tab  ya pussy

0108,  Saturday,  8  8. 20

1030,  Sunday,  9  8. 20

JT Coldfire  She’s Crazy  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiHmeHZAc0s

a couple of teenage female nitwits ambled up onto the coffee shop porch shaded by an immense onehunred year old live oak to flaunt or tout or whanaught their nubile bodiesthrow caution to the wind trying to play with or tempt a couple of older men

hed seen them coming

they saw he saw

what attracted his lookfollowed his glance were their left eyes
                                                                  they had orbs of startlingsparkling makeup over them different colours their individualism he supposed 

they werent original 
                      hed seen like-circles on black ‘n white Pete the PupPetey from Spanky and Our Gang then more recently sported by a pop singer named Halsey
                                                  an artist starves if they cant separate themselves from the chaff
 Age  Old  Crap                      

maybe they thought he couldnt possibly know who Halsey was maybe they thought he wasnt woke 

he never went to sleep


poor dumb cunts

                   age didnt cut it not by his measure wha a cunt was
                                                                           some things dont change they thought they were givin him a rise playin with their long t-shirt pullin down on their necks pullin em up to pull up their tight shorts
exaggerated silent film shit

                             if he was fifteen hed have taken them down to the creek bed an fucked em raw the vibration off their skateboards as they rolled home would have driven them crazy theyd have to dismount not to lose their minds and walk deliberately taking long languid strides to not irritate not chaff their pussies any more

                                                                                                                   long long akimbo steps so their lips wouldnt rub and turn em inside out

as a teenager a friend a fuckbuddy Susie called him a slut

she hurt his feelings

Youre a slut Susie  Only girls are sluts

Because we put out, because we like to fuck? Sumptin wrong with that?  Fuck you, Joe, you’re every bit a slut as I am.


she was right
                she was the bellwether that put his hat on straight

he didnt say so but he thought it Keep rollin grrls Ya aint got shit on me only think you do only think youre the first ever  Might wannar read Hemingway

1521,  Friday,  7  8. 20
1826,  Saturday,  8  8. 20

Pete the Pup  Petey  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6vwl1amjPk
Halsey  You Should Be Sad  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V6vwl1amjPk

he walked up a long hill beside a line of whiny electric cars containing an adulthe assumed the parent and usually one child

      that child their issue into the future  their indelible stamp of having existed  for if not for them then no child

the line of cars moved slower than he walked 

they were making a right into the elementary school where a crossing guard was managing traffic in both directions and children crossing the parking lot apron

he made a habit of picking out one car several carsforty metres ahead

                                                                          he catches it passes it and sometimes watches it turning into the lot after hes dropped off his grandkids and is walking home

his displeasure with the lined up cars was nicely alleviated by an old bastard in a rusty V-8 GROWLING up on their rearsthreatening to be a bug up their ass its GRRRowl emasculating the electric carsexascerbating their detached thoughapparent agony  a proud stud striding among tepid geldings

his daughter knowingly once teased him Yaknow, Dadu, the next car you buy you probably won’t have to drive; it’ll drive itself.

he smiled  amused

                     then asked her  Wha next car

0748,  Twosday,  11  2. 20

1449,  Saturday,  8  8. 20