Grandfather didnt suit him

his grandfather died of stomach cancer at the end of the Second World War

his other grandfather was killed in a brawl in a Cuban nightclub before Castro took Cuba

he met him could remember him

he was no grandfather either

humourously his granddaughter called him grandpoop

truth be known

                 considerably more accurate

growing up he met other kids grandparents grandfathers

they were proper gentlemen proper as Hell

he wasnt a proper child

there were adults to irritate

teachers to tempt

principals to scorn

kids to clobber

skirts to look up

he graduated high school

didnt apply to college

his birthday was pulled low in the Lottery

watched it on television

he won a hunredthirtythree dollars  

the pot was anted by guys who believed that life is just a joke

Right on Jimi

Thanks Bobby

he skipped the US for Canadahe had nothing against the Vietnamese

he couldnt tolerate the horseshit the politics the enormous money earned spilling blood

he liked Vancouver Vancouver Island more became a fisherman

when the slaughter was over

the US didnt pound its chest like King Kong

people had quit caring

he slipped his way to Neah Bay and worked crew on boats

then he worked his way to Frisco

east to Grass Valley

easter to Reno

hitchhiked to Vegas

shacked up with a showgirl

had a series of fantastic nights at the Stardust

fat seed money

frugally laboured his way more easter

crossed the flatlands of Nebraska

missed the Mississippi

worked in Illinois Indiana Ohio

doublebacked

found the Mississippi

worked the river to New Orleans in time for Mardi Gras

got knifed by an amateur

beat him senseless

took the knifehis wallet  his car

didnt expect a full tank of gas

siphoned his way to Miami

worked a boat to Saint Croix

his illegitimate daughter of some meanshe didnt ask found him there

her motherthe Vegas showgirl she said loved him

he remembered she loved her Kodak

she took more pictures of him than he ever knew

she actually listened to him when he spokewhen he talked about making a life in the Caribbean

he was colourful a character had personality as he would say

he was larger than life

but maybe the lives around him were just smaller more quiet   tamed timid

less loquacious or bombastic

or they didnt let people know how they actually felt  and thought

he wasnt interested in making pals

Grandpoop.

Whassup fart

                theyd get along just fine

0029,  Saturday,  4  1. 20

1106,  Twosday,  19  5. 20

Jimi Hendrix Experience  All Along the Watchtower  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLV4_xaYynY   

https://www.theguardian.com/world/live/2020/may/19/coronavirus-us-live-trump-taking-hydroxychloroquine-withdraw-who-biden-obama-latest-news-updates

the clown in the center ring rambles on a Trump enemy statement Finally! he said something true finally  not to make too fine a point hes very old  hes almost dead

Hey shit-for-brains! Yesterday there were $90,694 death today $92,235 a difference of $1,541 lets not forget the White House econometric model by economist – hes not an epidemiologist or plays one of television – Kevin Hassett  who determined that as of May15 no one in America would die of coronavirus  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20MhT-fG1DI 

we need more room in Washington for the really big assholes who are wallowing like greased behemoths in the Halls of Power

       give em an overdose of diuretics and Bisacodyl laxatives so they can piss and shit themselves and a slop bucket and mop to clean up

1733,  Twosday,  19  5. 20

Janice Gold  Coyotismo a fascinating word  she wrote I was a live seed planted by a woman/in another woman's womb./All things insatiable belong to me.

insatiable did not mean greed

insatiable devour experience 

personal enlightenment 

shackles fetters restraints slipped

knots noiselessly disentangled

metals rust becoming brittle and weakened snapping like fowl bones and broken  smile with relief

nothing or no one prefers to bind another unless a sadist

sadists arent forged like bracelets

sadly their sadism is provoked (provolked – proyolked)

                                                          and cloys building as a child would build a snowman a snowball rolled over and over and over again and growing larger and larger  accumulating

unless the process is interrupted (innerruptured) ruptured a rude finger stuck in the hole torn away tearing the fabric the hole made larger and larger

deflating

emptying

making inept and flaccid

a deflated toy balloon

a shriveled spent condom

withered

now inviolate

sadism violence  ought to be arrested

insatiable belongs to everyone

2320,  Friday,  3  1. 20

0938,  Twosday,  19  5. 20

Joy Division  Heart and Soul  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atXB3qQ5CPU 

Instincts that can still betray us, / A journey that leads to the sun, / Soulless and bent on destruction, / A struggle between right and wrong

already the third day of the new decade
                                           two expired48hrs a third begun hed slept 6 hrs  couldnt keep this up forever nor would he  nothing is forever 
                                    a romantic notion
romantising Never or Always theyre never what theyre thought to be  unless one is pleasing themselves  the perfect aligned Romance Rowomance

18 years ago his wife was stricken on New Years Day evening 

she died January 2

18 years

eighteen years

it was 6 years before he was able to take another woman in his arms 

it wouldnt have been a fair competition until he was able not to compare a woman against her to hold another woman up against his wife
                       how can one really compete with another who is dead

he dated

no bells rang beyond the initial attractionphysical attraction

then he met a woman who was impossible
                                           who seemed to have risen from the center of the earth like a near-perfect crystal-forged diamond
                        her mind forgedbody forged in a mindboggling alignment with his senses and sensibilities

a luminous gem

a brilliant len

a mirror in which they complimented each other as only reflections could
  

0100,  Friday,  3  1. 20
1504,  Monday,  18  5. 20

entering her room he was at the foot of her bed

the nurse said she had awakened earlier so they bathed her and changed her bedding She’s fresh, all spruced up!

he appreciated the nurses enthusiasm

she fixed him with her marvelous luminous huge hazel eyes personalityplus growing in expressiveness and nuance since she became ill and then lost her voice altogether

he hadnt heard his daughters voice in fourfive months

her eyes had discovered a vocabularyimpressed upon him everyone the necessity of asking only Yes – No questions

Yes – one blink

No – two blinks

he asked her if she slept well

blink

Did you dream baby

blink

she texted on her cellphone she downloaded an app that allowed a voice to repeat what she wrote he hated the recordings female voice  pasty flat  no inflection Did you?

he smiled

           he blinked twice

:  :  You look like you didn’t dream.

his eyes opened wider

he didnt ask her I do  his eyes spoke

                                          they had learned a vocabulary too

2150,  Thursday,  2  1. 20

1236,  Monday,  18  5. 20

Hee Haw!  Drumpfs the ass  https://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/the-atlantic-compares-global-virus-response-with-u-s-response-83593285823

                                        100,000 American dead by Jume 1

Bets? hed bet well be beyond 100,000 by June 1  well be there in a week

1844,  Monday,  18  5. 20

Vaccine or no vaccine, we are back. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEDWTs9_d0I

Clownie thinks hes Arnold Scharzenneggers Terminator cyborg 

Fuckin limp dick He cant willthough he thinks he can to make people put their heads down on the chopping block

Maybe if he obliged – Gimme an axe! -- put his dull head down first  he might be convincing  till then hes just a pair of flapping jaws 

1802, Monday,  18  5. 20

Maya Angelou When people show you who they are, believe them.

https://www.msnbc.com/the-beat-with-ari/watch/-damage-done-trump-s-virus-purge-backfires-as-congress-zeroes-in-on-fired-watchdogs-83615813858

while Drumpf campaigned he revealed himself a piece of shit

                                                                 an he hasnt said or acted any differently since then though he didnt think anyone would lie as much or his electorate would quaff his cum that would change his mind or make him think Drumpf wasnt a piece of shit

1734,  Monday,  18  5. 20

$90.694 dead Mr. President

limp dicks   Drumpf Navarro Eric Drumpf 

https://www.msnbc.com/deadline-white-house/watch/trump-s-glaring-absence-on-the-world-stage-as-he-blames-his-own-cdc-director-for-the-crisis-83611717840

                                                  even an overdose of Viagra or Cialis cant help these miserable laughable examples of dismal manhood erect

1650,  Monday,  18  5. 20

1  1. 20

Wednesday

0929

      he eyeballed the time could only have been better if the twenty were thirty Make sense woudja? Twenty? Thirty? The time’s ninetwentynine.    Ah yes, whaelse could you have meant, I wasn’t paying attention.  I’m a little slow on the uptake. The new year   It is a new year, isn’t it? It is  Indeed

he took off his reading glasses set Clan of the Cave Bear aside laid the glasses open on the book picked up his penthe paper clasped on the Bear-Of-A-Clip clipboard  and wrote

he wrote for the first time in the new decade

                                                One January Twentytwenty  1  1. 20  Wednesday

sometimes he was more present than he wanted

present  meaning different minds and senses

                                                  keen tookeen dull combativearrested observant then servant to nothing and no one a presence monocular bifocused creeping insectified senses like a cold deep pond an artesian well senses roiled a bowl of soup carried sloppily by a misfit a cripple  someone newlyblind

present 

         though dismayed by a limited field of vision if it were wideronly wider  his peripheral more acute

                                                                                                                 rather than being forced  his head on a swivel    restless

he supposed this morning January First Twentytwenty  was apt

                                                                         how he was feeling

remaining a work in progress

1204,  Sunday,  17  5. 20

he found himself juggling words wordplay  it tickled himan something hed done for so long that it was automatic as automatic as when a woman bent before him he played his eyes across her exposed chest an often more

morphine

he hadnt had any experience with it before now he was up to his eyeballs in it

it helped her breathe

it lessened her pain

lessened it

            lessened her pain he wondered if her physicians knew her first birth was 40hours without pain medication

he understoodhe got it

anything that would lessen her laboursrelax her was to her benefit

he wanted her to squeeze any good out of her circumstances

it was dire

morphine  morfiend

she was in and out of consciousness

he approached her bed with a syringe of water to flush her feeding tube a syringe of morphine a second syringe of water Hey baby its Dad Time for your medicine  he didnt call it morphine

she mewled in her throatacknowledged him

itd help her sleep

morphine

morfiend

morphin'

morfriend

Twosday,  31  12. 19  New Year’s Eve

1118,  Sunday,  17  5. 20

she touched his shoulderleaned down a bit she was tall I’m leaving. Would you see me to the door?

he looked left from where he sat on the sofa 

the front door was right therewouldve been hard to get lost from here and there

she looked upset but not messed up

although to be fair he once went to a bathroom to take a leak and ended up smoking a joint with a clown in the shower 

a male clown 

hard to find female clowns 

kinda like Shakespearean plays in the day all the roles were played by men

                                                                                  or perhaps their sex shut that shit down taking themselves more seriously than men do

You want me to see you to the door kind of lyrical he thought I can see the door

Please?

Okay okay

in some heyday in LAhe wasnt paying attention evidently she was someone noticeable

he stood up he still had to look up into her eyes he was six foot

                                                                     had he been attracted to her or she was fifteen years younger he might have said Damn Youre a tall drink of water

he went to the door opened it for her let her pass first and followed her outshe didnt have to draw him a picture

outside the door snugged shut behind him she turned on her heels He’s angry with her.

Angry

Yes. You can see it, can’t you?

No

You don’t see he’s angry?

No I dont see thatches angry Why would he be angry at her

Because . . she’s going to die.

he had a hard time following herpeople like her who must forget themselves who have to forget who he is that theyre talking to a sisterinlaw badmouths his wife to him a brotherinlaw badmouths his wife to him friends of a good friend badmouth his friend to him her she who she was talking about to him  was his daughter  he was his soninlaw 

Jesusfuckin H Christ Whas the fuckin disconnect Must be that fuckin priest collar wrapped around his throat that only they can see seein him as a kind of confessor

she was his daughters reiki mentor

he tried to let the silence drag between them like a fuckin stone in hopes that she might gather her wits and remember who he was

it didnt usually work

it didnt usually dawn on them of the intimacy he shared with the people they maligned

She’s going to die.

didnt take the silent bait

he may have to start braining these people

Eventually yes shell die Eventually well all die  she began rolling up on him asif she was confiding  But youre referring to her imminent demise

she rolled back on her heels stared into his eyes

maybe she thought hed flinch blink avert his eyes she had his laser attention she didnt know himshe knew of him she wouldnt know he had the temerity of a junkyard dog  who had no qualms biting

You should talk to him, prepare him. You know, from what you were through before.

Through before he thought  through before  the vaguery it twists him why people who believe they are in possession of facts or innuendos  choose to be ambiguous  pussyfoot around skirt the issue rather than just saying directly what they mean

he let her hang on her  before

she referred first to his daughters ailing his soninlaws anger then she contends he knows because of his wifes death

        before

words in placepronouns in place of peoples names

present

deceased

alive

dead

without breaking looks he said Hell find his own way Hes not angry hes concerned hes frustrated and frankly as her mentor with your extensive training I would imagineyour submersion in the culture you should rather be concerning yourself with Anniels ailing her transition invigorating her overwhelming her with your abilities and energies

Or I can be wrong

they held their eyeball clench a moment or two longer then she said You’re mistaken.

To which aspect are you referring

I have to go.

Thank you for stopping  It means the world to Anniel

0049,  Monday,  30  12. 19

0949,  Sunday,  17  5. 20

Missing Persons  Noticeable One  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ey010CMVQc 

https://www.bl.uk/shakespeare/articles/shakespeare-and-gender-the-womans-part