he tried

          anif he couldnt or didnthe always held onto his want wantondesire to fly above the fray fly like a hawk at hunt above a creek bed 

                    later feasting on its unsuspecting denizens  unsuspecting because from his boyhood he understood that people were few an far between who thought to look up  

                                                                and for those childhood lessons his head was always on a swivelhe was always imagining what could be or what might be  he exercised the violent possibilities that occurred to him fascinated by the possible fictions 

                                          which perturbed his sister when he shared it  Why do you think like that?

Because theres something inside me that doesthat wont let me rest

being awarepaying attention to his fictions he imagined what he would he do if his worse imaginingsif his genies lamp rubbed raw went south

an when he went south

he didnt just cross the borderline

he went deep

then the holdup he bitched to Corporate about happened

                                                          the same Corporate who tried to take his knife from him

apparently the only knife he was allowed was their safety razor knife with guard so an employee didnt cut themselves KahRIST  Barking up the wrong tree he told them he submitted a signed dated document that if he cut himself with his knife he wouldnt hold Corporate responsible hed pay his own medical bills  Whered these clowns come from

he was walking towards the back of the store when three guys came in behind him  

turning to greet them as was Corporate mandated he sawrecognised their deliberation

maybe buying liquor was far from their minds 

they fanned out the wingmen forward of the apex man

it looked like a dance  

hoodies

sunglasses at night

their heads tucked like turtles

their mothers wouldnt know them

they held their hands inside the pouches before their bellys

the pouches looked heavy

apex called to him Could you help us, please? polite he couldnt see either wingmen now  they were obscured by the liquor shelvesthe upright bottles

he didnt move towards him

his coworker was to his right stocking an endcap

he glanced at them casually

they had heard apexs call for help

quietly he said to her You need to leave  Go out the back door

she looked at him docilely

I  said  go . .

. . Excuse me, can you help me? asked apex

the girl left 

             How can I help he asked he still hadnt moved forward he glanced left and right trying to locate where the wingmen had manoeuvered

Please, I have a question apex said

Yes 

still he didnt move forward 

he anticipated they knew the safe was forward

Yes

COMHERE GODDAMMIT! apex yelledpulling a revolver from his pouch  GET UP HERE! MOVE!

he dropped to the concrete floorrolled then bellycrawled to the aisle immediately to his rightthe endcap where the girl had been where she was stocking grain alcohol moonshine

YOU! HEY YOU!

his knife was out he torn in half the bandanna handkerchief from his back pocket unscrewed two liters of Everclear stuffed the halves into their necks upset the bottles and righted them again when the wicks were wetted 

he stood

         as he walked forward he produced the cigarette lighter his father left himthe only thing his father left him when he died 

he stepped back into the center aisle where apex had walked deeper into the store YOU! COMHERE!

he flipped the scarred metal lighter open with his thumb

he had stabbed his knife through his jean pocket  used it as an impromptu holster

COMHERE! menacingly

Might wanna rethink this asshole

COMHERE FUCK!

with one Everclear tucked under his arm he bent his elbow raising the other he held up the lighter in his opposite hand  You should imagine youre standing in the middle of a glut of flammable liquids  he lit the lighter  the wingmen emerged to either side of him aisles away  revolvers drawn YOU might imagine the inferno that will start with you

he didnt wait to hear what apex had to say

he lit the wickdropped the lighterlit the second Everclear off the first  GAME TIME 

apex reared back turned and fled

DADDYS GONE BOYS

the smarter of the two turned up an aisle and fled first 

he gave them a moment and rushed after themwent through the pneumaticsighing doors hurled the bottles into the empty parking lot

they made ecstatic exclamation marks on the tarmac   

he imagined they had enough imagination to go in three different directions

he burned his hands 

Corporate was paying for that
  

1310,  Thursday,  2  5. 19

1129,  Sunday,  5  5. 19

The Barr Brothers  Give the Devil Back His Heart  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siR1gR_m6dc&list=PLU_fAE8DailcSFcEqHgfoslgIO7HzwNDa&index=4

My whole life has been a succession of miserable and unsuccessful denials of feelings or reason (Lermontova A Hero of Our Time)

he could relate

                however hed drop the miserablethere was nothing miserable about trying and failing life was trying and failinglife  was few successes and appreciating them (hell  professional baseball players are paid millions of dollars and cant bat .300)not that he paid attention  anymore than hed pay attention to professional golf – hours and hours of televised sky – now  if the game were played in rain and lightning storms  tornado funnels leaping around like mischievous children . . he might watch

it was an interesting house  

                              My grandfather made it by hand. As he built it he lived in a sod hut beside it. Once it was erected, the fireplace threw smoke, he rode on a horsedrawn wagon to the city to fetch my grandmother and my two eldest uncles.

I like it a lot

Thank you. We don’t come out here much. Only the homestead remains. The family sold off the hundreds of acres by grandfather acquired.

They’re wealth.

They agreed to leave me the house, a bit more than an acre, and water rights, if I’d be willing to forego any proceeds from the sale of the farm.

This place means more to me than money can afford.

it was on a high cupboard shelf beside the large fireplace that he found a mouldy hardbound book Venus im Pelz (Venus in Furs) 

Your grandfather read German

My grandfather was a polyglot. I thought it strange, think it even now, that he came to Canada, Saskatchewan, to be a farmer.

Im familiar with the book in English

You are? What is it about?

Let me put it this way The author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch an Austrian wrote it in 1870 Sacher-Masoch  Ring any bells

Sacher-Masoch? No.

Awright howbout this Masoch

Masoch? Masoch. No. I can’t say that it does.

Awright Howbout this  The German psychiatrist von Krafft-Ebing who used Sacher-Masochs name as the root to a particularshall we say condition

No. I’m not following you at all.

Ill have you know that holding this book in my hands here  that I am very fond of your grandfather He did speak English

He was English.

All the more delectable Anyone in the family beside your grandfather read German

No.

And you have no idea what Im talking about

I don’t.

Well then  first let me say how fortunate and happy I am to have made your acquaintance and how very much I appreciate your invitation to stay the night at your grandfathers house though you might eventually find your way to calling it your houseyour home

Thank you; although I imagine I’ll always call it my grandfather’s house.

Which is understandable 

I am very grateful

And you’ll be more grateful, as will I, once I get a fire stoked, heat the place up a bit. Care for whiskey in the meantime?

That would be excellent And while you busy yourself at the fire Ill share this bit of information about your German edition of Venus in Furs 

Thank you he accepted a tumbler of whisky

To our health.

Yes To our health

they tapped glasses and he admired the moving colour of amber cast in them by the growing fire in the fireplace

Krafft-Ebing was a psychiatrist as I said

He was notable for naming cerebral neuroses Gotta love naming thingsmaking them your own Since  theyve been negated by the DSM the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders  the early Eighties I believe

His neuroseswhich I remain fond of  are paradoxia sexual excitement independent of I love this the physiological processes of the generative organs 

Wanna guess  he laughed

Anaesthesia not what you think rather the absence of sexual instinct

Hyperanaesthesia Satyriasis Increased desire The old mans got money so why not fuck him How long could he possibly last  Or even cum

Sorry I get carried away sometimes An havin a drink and fingerin a German edition of Venus im Pelz is overwhelming

I am beside myself

as the fire grew and threw its heat his host remained seated at the roughhewn table worn smooth by use and time  seated in a storebought chair nearest the flames a matching chair at the other end of the table he sat near the fire too on one of the handwrought benches on either length of the table

And paraesthesia Perversion of the sexual instinct

Krafft-Ebings book Psychopathia Sexualis was also one of the first books of sexual practise and studied homosexuality bisexuality necrophilia anilingus

He derived masochist or masoChrist as I like to call it from Sacher-Masochs name  particularly from your grandfathers book

Psychopathia Sexualis was published in 1886 Krafft-Ebing was recognised as an authority on sexual deviant behavior  If such a thing exists

he took the book from his hands

                                  Well. I suppose I learned . . something . . . about my grandfather today.

That he was a man I understand he was dead before you were born

Yes.

Well He was out in the open It wasnt like a tardy pamphlet hidden in his bottom drawer or a stack of Playboys secreted in the garage rafters is it

No. It’s not.

he had finished his whisky it kept his whistle wet Howbout another whisky to celebrate your grandfather a farmer a polyglot  likely an intellect

Youve probably recognised that all the books on the cupboards top shelf are in foreign languages 

Unless of course  youre like most people who never look up

1614,  Sunday,  5  5. 19

1323 or 123pm,  Monday,  6  5. 19

Velvet Underground  Venus in Furs  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwzaifhSw2c

The Barr Brothers  Deacon’s Son  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6U6bHrKV2M

he walked along the main drag 

the high school was to his right

to his left was City Hall and the junior high

he was told that as late as the early Eighties kids rode their horses to high school and released them in a pasture behind it

that pasture was now a parking lot filled with cars that students drove to school

affluence sickened him

he walked a paper route before high school every morning then walked two miles to school 

he had to walk through the faculty parking lot to get into the building

on the other side of the school was the student parking lot

the cars were cars Mommy and Daddy bought for their kids and paid for the gas and made oil change appointments for them or traded them in for new cars that the kids wanted instead

he really really  really had to stay his hand not to key them . . but in reality  not really really  really . . . because he didnt have keys

instead he tried to better them that wasnt right they werent better than him 

                                                                            rather he tried to best them on the athletic field or with his fists in a farmers field east of the high school a small undeveloped parcel of land that the farmer who the community took his land to build the high school on had lived and died and never accepted a dime of it while he was alive  but his kids and grandkids scooped in on it the moment after they buried him to claim the affluence he denied them

hed always hoped the farmer who kept a donkey on the property swinging its dick  would have gone to the bank cashed out and burned it in a bond fire as he sipped from the jug he saw him with time to time nipping from

                                                                                            the miserable tyranny of family

the old farmer just couldnt bring himself to cross his kids after his wife died

My wife loved them children to the marrow in their bones. 

But they couldn’t see their way to help me in the fields.

Lazy so-an-sos.

My only consolation is that they were madeup more of her blood than mine.

My wife was a whore I fell in love with.

She was predatory.

I couldn’t see past the nose on my face.

I suppose he wipe his chin with his sleeve of a dribble from the jug when we wed, she just became my whore.

I wasn’t a handsome man.

But I could afford her.

affluence isnt pretty

                             

                         it is just affluence

Hell

       Mommy and Daddy even afforded payment to a psychiatrist who vouched to the Court that there was a condition called affluenza and their child who suffered it wasnt responsible for killing four people in a car accident while he was drunk

1227,  Thursday,  9  5. 19

1503,  Thursday,  9  5. 19

affluenza  https://www.cnn.com/2014/02/05/us/texas-affluenza-teen/index.html

Party Lines?

Party lines?  

             The House Judiciary Committee voted yesterday along party lines? to hold AG (or FA  FAKERs Attorney) Barr in contempt  https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/barr-to-trump-invoke-executive-privileged-over-redacted-mueller-materials/2019/05/07/51c52600-713e-11e9-b5ca-3d72a9fa8ff1_story.html?utm_term=.6dc8857dd7fe&wpisrc=nl_daily202&wpmm=1

since when did anyone vote along party lines when the matter of upholding the vow they made to accept their office to The Constitution of the United States is the question

Americas Republican Party are cowards (or wannabe oligarchs) or maybe their intention is to attribute their fuckedupness to insanity or plead the 5^th

1141,  Thursday,  9  5. 19

Tom Petty  I Won’t Back Down  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5II-WnW9OJo

Magic Fingers everybody knew Magic Fingersdidnt they 

                                                            Magic Fingers always reminded him of the Jewish minx he met in Miami Sultana a dancer tiny he didnt think she broke five feet but OHthebody on her five feet 

OHthebody

she shared an apartment with the girlfriend of his new best friend who he met in college at the dorms Tony he was an Italian from Brooklyn 

Tonys parents were fullblooded Italians first American generation his parents were first American generation fullblooded Polish 

Fate

Tonys girlfriend Janice introduced him to Sultana when the three happened upon each other on campus

it was the first timethe only time he ran into Janice without Tony  she was much more relaxed  although her loosey-goosey manner may have been entranced by Sultanas lead 

Sultana was a goof being with her was being part of a musical that she performed to and to music only she heard she moved and danced sinuously it reminded him of operas where every word was sung

Sultana was vivacious and infectious

he wanted to be infected

a week or so later Tony said he was heading over to Janices for the evening Could I tag along he asked

Yawanna tag along? Mebbe whadif the evening turns hot?

I aint stupid I leave  I got legs

Alright.

Understand you met Sultana.

his smile beat his response 

Yaknow, she’s seeing someone.

Tony yashudknow alls fair in love an war She can tell me to take a hike but she cant take away that I got to lay eyes on her again Shes something . .

. . Yeah. When I met her, Janice introduced us, I was tempted too; really tempted . . . but I’m glad I didn’t, I don’t think I could keep up with her if I tried.

Id like to try Id like to try

You’re welcome to ride with me, although I don’t know if she’ll be at the apartment.

Well see

she wasnt

it wasnt a lost cause

he learned where Sultana and Janice lived 

they werent far from the ocean

he could walk by and if she wasnt around hed keep on walking to the beach for a swimsome sun 

not a lost cause

finally they met again fivesix weeks later

Tony had something for Janice but had to be elsewhere Im heading to the beach you can tell Janice Ill stop it by 

Thanks, roommate.

when he rapped on Janices door Sultana answered Hey, she said I understand you’ve stopped by a couplethree times to see if I was around.

I have was keeping my fingers crossed Youve stuck in my mind

I have to admit, you’ve stuck in my mind too.

Nice to be stickyisnt it

If you’re sticking, stuck, to the right people.

the Vagabond Motel was off Highway One Art Deco styling turquoise painted ironworks white stucco walls Air-Conditioning Magic Fingers  

                              Sultana dug the vibrations

they dialed it up to violent he could pin her to the bedtake her from behind and let Fingers fuck them he brought a roll of quarters with whenever they could steal a night

go missing

they discovered her delight when they fucked in her apartments laundryroom on a lark he tossed her up on top of a washing machine as its spin cycle beganYEOW  

that was a lot of years ago

shes remained the only Sultana he ever met

this morning he was asleep in bed and awakened by the tribethe three kittens his queen october had six weeks prior 

she got out for a night  

thats all it takes  

two days earlier the kittens had just began to break into runs  theyd slept with him only once before

this morning they chased each other up and down the bed crisscrossed it ran over him as he laid on his back

how three kittens decide who is the one pursuedwho chases who how roles are flopped inverted was beyond him  though it was epically fluid fleeingpursuing seamlessly tagteamed tagteaming   

                                                                                   Shiver me timbers he thought
Long John Silver proclaimed that in Treasure Island  how appropriate

then he thought of Sultana   

all the motionemotions were enough to get a guy to yank his dick

an who wouldve blamed him broiling in the spatter and splash of Sultanas memorymammary thighs an body

pussy was everywhere 

0451,  Monday,  6  5. 19

1131,  Twosday,  7  5. 19

Power Station  Some Like It Hot  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw1t7OCESUw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViUxE1wAgu8  Dulcimer played  Miles Perkin

it played as he held the baby bird in his hand

when he got home from work last night wee his outdoor cat had it cowed against the wall beside the front door AwKahrist he muttered ya kiddin me

he scooped the bird up

brought it into the house

put it in a shoebox with torn paper towel bird seed water

in the morning he went outside  scratched for grubs insects

the baby bird refused them

he sat the bird in the box beside him

kept his curious indoor cats away

the bird fluttered

maybe the flutter meant it could fly he doubted it

he took it outside

the baby bird fluttered

he or she sang several times

he was encouraged

he came back inside

set the bird beside him again

played some music off youtube

suddenly the bird scratched moved violently

panted

spasmed

         NO  Nonono he picked it up quicklyheld it Im here Im here he whispered   here: pitiful

the baby bird spasmed twothree times

                                                                                                 exhaled its last breath

what did he think he could do?

1124,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  8  5. 19