12.8.18




he texted himself  :
             he texted himself when he was walking and reading and something occurred to him from the words he read or when he lifted his eyes so he didnt walk into a parked car it was an old California town  sidewalks werent a priority and lifting his eyes hed see something

something always intrigued him

hed wake from a dream and text himself 

he set the fone beside his bed on a nightstand a wood feed trough stood on end he liked the livestock bitemarks

his texts were redundant  usually he remembered his dreams and most every morning he saw the world through their diaphanous gauze 


last night he texted  :  an underfed alleycat caught in a rainstorm the words occurred to him in his voice the imagery tickled  but it wasnt hishis words he heard Maddow say them the evening before and the imagery really tickled him  curious the ticklishness carried into his sleep but he cared for four feral catstwo in an two out felines would capture his attention

the early morning prior (0023hrs) he texted  :  It’s a strange thing, (its strange he would bother with punctuation in the middle of the night) laying on your back, remembering, crying for a dead buddy you couldn’t help get loose, and feel tears roll down your cheeks, off your jaw, as you lay on your back, tears defying gravity.  Room 120.

the sensation of tears rolling out of his eyesrolling down on his cheeks woke him 

waking he wiped them from his face

there were no tears

just the sensation



Room 120 made sense

in Junior High Room 120 is where the retards were taughtthe fortunate ones who could trywho had the wherewithal to be integrated

he remembered running into his buddy Bobby in the hallway  he had a pass to see the Principal Bobby was crying  fucking crying in the hallway while inside the rooms classes were in session
Whats going on Bobby  he was very concerned 

I’m being sent to 120. My homeroom teacher thinks I’m mental.

Duckett  Rhymes with fuck itya aint going to 120

I have to. They’re expecting me in the time it supposed to take to walk from Duckett’s to 120.

No  Youre coming with me  Ive been summoned by Mr Sweat

What did you do?

Beats the hell out of me

Aren’t you worriedhes the Principal.

No Ill find out when I get there

I’d be scared. he started crying again I’m scared to go to 120.

Ya aint going Ducketts full of shit Youre coming with me to Sweat

I can’t. I'm expectedprobably right now.

Sweat can use the intercom and let them knowya aint going he said  he grabbed Bobby by the shoulder and walked him down the hall away from 120 a door open behind themheels entered the hall  Boys! Boys! 

Bobby wanted to turnhe could feel him pulltry to turn yanking Bobby by his shirt he muttered Whoever theyre calling aint us Keep walking
You’re going to get in trouble

Then thats my troublenot yours Keep walking

Bobby acted remisslike he was taken prisoner
                                                maybe Bobby was a retard but he kept yanking him down the hall to the Office



0458 Saturday 4 August he texted  :  HILARIOUS! I’m sitting crosslegged (he cant sit crosslegged) on a bed in a livingroom (he knew the livingroom) eating a Ho Ho from between the fingers of my hands asif it was a chicken leg . . my kidbrother comes through the front door to my right . . he’s disheveled (it looks good on him) . . to my left in the kitchen a gumchompin Chicago girl sits on the counter beside the sink stroking my best friends arm while her stodgy husband looks on smoking a cigar  he brought the booze and champagne they were swilling right from the bottles . . then a raccoon upsets the scene knocking over the garbage onto the kitchen floor
                                                                             and that preceded at 0336seemed scarcely a flash a moment prior  :  My girlfriend discovered I cheated on her. It wasn't my fault. She didn’t know the woman was an alien. When the alien pulled awaydismounted me, a thin tendril, parasitic, hidden under her luxurious black hair, wound out and anesthetised me, it inserted itself at the base of my skull making me helpless to her advances. When she tried to extract it, it slitheredpulled taut, then split and ruptured, splashed. I quivered. I spasmed. My shoulders twitched madly. (do you Love Her Madly)

It wasnt my fault

Isnt that an old worn excuse

I didnt do it my brain did


Hell  My brains were all over me doing this to me



 
  :  I am strange

You feel strange?

I feel he said  asif feel was odd in his mouth   I feel  uncomfortable the words felt like bitter stones in his mouth

You feel? 
NO  Thats not right



I am strange (texted at 0543 Twosday 31  7. 18)





Its not my fault Im strange
                

0940,  Thursday,  9  8. 18
1459,  Friday,  10  8. 18


the Centurion leaned down to Jesus of Nazareth and said The Nail Will Burn (Loop)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIzkU-5xYWU

11.8.18



he was reminded once again what it was like to sit inside a convection oven  looking out at a dull yellow sky  coloured like spoiled cotton   

the skys filled with smoke from the second worse fire season in Californias history TAKE THAT IN fire season he grew up in the Midwest where there were four seasons WinterSpringSummerFall he always began he recitation of the four seasons with Winter  it was to him the dominant season and who didnt like to be dominated but then it was questions like that that procured his best adventures shy ones at some orgy  they were welcome the doorBeat it!  waste of fuckin time let them play together in the hallways eat the uneaten room service food placed in front of Do Not Disturb doorways placards hung from doorknobs he could relate  he liked what was hanging from his knob

the sky wasnt unlike the skies over Los Angeles and Chicago and New York  Gary when he was younger skies yellowed by exhaust belched from tailpipes smokestacks blast furnaces

he played in a summer city championship soccer game

white suburban boys handing ethnic city teams their ass  boys unjoined by blood

they played under radio and televised health advisements that warned citizens who had respiratory illnesses DO NOT GO OUTSIDE

they didnt have respiratory illnesses

they wanted to knockoff the Croatians at Hanson then beat ass northback home and party up their city victory

theyd beaten the Croaks earlier in the seasonthey were undefeated 

they won 3-0

they ascended to Highland Park where one on the guys girlfriends lived  

she wanted to throw them a party if they won or lost 

Grace that was her name  she was Phils girlfriend 

he told Phil that when they got up to her parents placeher parents owned a sprawling property on the Lake no disrespect to him but he was going to take Grace over his knee and spank hernobody should ever ever think they were going to lose  ya think youre going to lose dont play


GRACE he snatched her up by the waist and took her down towards the waterfront to a quiet stone bench sprawled her across his lap yanked up her skirtpulled down her panties and cracked her several bright cracks on her beautiful ass

then he pushed her off his laprolling her down his legs to the ground  Never never  Never think youre going to lose

she looked up at him

he didnt know if her blush was embarrassment or anger or bemusement

By the way Grace you have a real fine ass   I think I might owe you some new panties


some months later he had the opportunity to thoroughly  slowly   scrutinise her body

and spank her again
she kept calling

she didnt relent

I have no intentions of losing she said

she learned a good lesson



early the next morning he woke 

he could hardly breathe

he wheezed

he vomited

he called out sick to work

that night his parents came into the bedroom he shared with his brothers

checking in on him 

they told him that all his teammates were down toosick as dogs they were all having trouble breathing

they toked some weed

Grace shared some hash with him

they didnt smoke that much


they were warned it was poor air quality

it was outdoors for ChristsSake! why wouldnt they flaunted their youth

in the wide open air  Fuck em



he remembered                 


1905,  Monday,  6  8. 18
1159,  Saturday,  11  8. 18
Last Year’s Man  Leonard Cohen  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWNm9E73V9Y

10.8.18




a filthy room


a stout wood table


a dead man and a young man



Whadaya doin

he leaned backknife in hand  You can see what Im doing


Hmm  Looks like a Y-cut  Usually for autopsy

What

Shoulders are meaty a shallow incisionof course to run the spine  Bony   Clickclickclick


I havent clickclickclicked  You interrupted


Y-cut is usually performed anteriorly not posterior

he wagged the knife balancing it between his thumb the base of his index finger  he was thinking it over
Not  posterior   it worked out of his mouth as if hed never said it before

Anterior Access to internal organs  Particularly after splitting the breastbonethe sternum


You talk like a doc

Nah  Talk like someone whos eviscerated lots of carcasses  Aint a big difference between animals



I didnt want to look at his face

Legit  Could have covered it
YahI couldve cut his head off too


You could have 

You interrupted me

I didnt know whaya were doingseemed odd  Seemed odd to me    Didnt seem odd to you


Ive had a bit to drink Nothing seemed to meseeming seems like thinking  I wasnt thinking I was doing I didnt wanna look at his face  Seemedha right    At the time
At the time it seemed right

I wasnt thinking


Sorry I interrupted

Fuckit he let the knife slip into his fist and he stabbed it deep into the dead mans back ribs split or parted I had a bit to drink  Dark thoughts man
Dark thoughts




the dead man killed himself to avoid the kid 

hed raped the kids mother and sister and when they begged for their lives he cut their throats  he cut his sisters throat in front of their mothers eyes
Terror

the kid wanted to terrorise him


mutilating his corpse

maybe he thought thatd give him something

                                                            maybe
he wasnt thinking



maybe he wouldnt remember



                                          maybe


1110,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  8  8. 18
Bersarin Quartett  Perlen, Honig oder Untergang  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YYlnsxd6-UU

curious ey dream


It happened again
                    he said it to no oneno one was around to hear him except his cats but they were fast asleep had breakfast groomed were acting like big cats on the savannah                                         

happened again
               bludgeoned throughout the nightparcel atop of odd parcel with scarcely time to draw a breath in between though these revealeddespite wildly separate locations  geographies  these revealed a continuity  a symmetry which captured his dreaming attention because his dreams hardly ever aligned


he held something that kept him afloat something he caught a frantic glimpse ofsomething angular the black water everywhere around him was anything but angular 

he caught glimpses of it as he swam in its direction   

he tried to remain calmtried wishing and not wishing it to be everything he hoped and everything he hoped was something that would save him from drowning something that would give him a chance to survive another day another day  and another  

he wasat last greedy
                     the years he lived before didnt matter he wanted to live more years
he didnt want his life to end here unknown  fishfood  scavenged bits
Him  Yeah him I remember him  Whatever happened to him

he sought solace with the thought  Him  Hes dead 

death  a solace



hed see what something under him was in the dawn

he unbuckled his belt and cinched his arm to the raft so it wouldnt lose him now that he found it

the white noise the lapping waveshow long had he been in the waterthe sea rocking himhe had no idea he just kept swimmingkept his head above waterquickly took him into a dreamless sleep


when he woke it darkstill darkhis back was dryhad he slept through the daywas this the same nighthis throat was parched  he kept trying to clear it

he unlashed himself

he rolled over onto his back and treaded his belt through his pants

he croaked again

again


he listened for birds he listened for anything other than waves

he croaked


whathe heard something

a whistle


he listenedlistened as he might stare 

he clutched his eyes shut

Was it again
             a whistle

No
Not a whistlea breath

an inhale

an exhale


Mygod  Inhales and exhales   Nasal

he rolled onto his bellygripped the rafts woodslats

whistles

he kept his eyes closed he moved his head like an antenna roving towards where the breaths were emitted 


opening his eyes he found himself looking into an curious eye  quiet in a long head  and beyond it other curious eyes and long heads
whales

a pod of whales

their breaths silver in the night


he crawled forward he reached over the rafts edge and touched the whale behind its eye  touched an alien humanity 

who exhaled

whistled

who breathed with lungs as he breathed with lungs


other whales crowded
                       he touched them  it seemed if they had hands they would also have wanted to touch him 

the pod turned in mass  it churned the sea and whale by  whale   by    whale  took turns taking himhis raft on their backs and swimming in a direction they determined 


he croaked happily 


he gazed in all the different eyes  gazed into their humanity     he passed out 



a red rising sun woke him  he was laying on his belly

he woke believing he dreamed the breathsthe whistlesthe eyes  the whales 

he hadnt

they were taking him into the sun into the east  in the once of wakingrealising he hadnt dreamedhe was washed in the scent of land


stiffly he made it his knees

                              before he raised his eyes he looked into the eyes at either side of him he luxuriated in their whispersin their splashin the mist of their breaths

then he looked


before him in the distance were brown and green curls of land  land that smelled like a woman did waking from her sleep


then he didnt lookhe couldnt he wept



the pod rotated around him 

he recognised particular eyes 

all the whales did not participate 

those who didnt remained at the periphery  perhaps unconvinced he was worthwhile  yet they did acknowledge him they raised their pectorals waved their flukes several leapt bodily into the air and crashed back into the sea throwing up exuberant sparkling gouts



that night near enough land that he could see individual lights hear individual voices curious eye rose beside him  

he could feel their pectoral fin rub the bottom of the raft

then he or she rolled and bankeddove to their right  they emerged directly behind him and nosing the raft they churned the sea with several mighty beats of their fluke pushing him towards the land ahead 

surging forward he saw the pod peel offheard their breaths and whistles and then gliding on the arch of a swellof he or she diving beneath him he heard rollers crashing on the beachhead  rhythmic   methodical  



he was never more alone


*   *   *


squat irregular bottlestheir glass melted by cold fires leaned oddly some rockedwere troubled to keep their feet while sitting on a long curved table covered by an aquacoloured linen           

he grabbed one by its stout neck lifted it to his mouth yanked its cork with his teeth and took a long pull at its sweet viscous liquor 

it burned his parched throat  teared his eyes 

beyond the table nearer the edge of the deep flatstone veranda was an elaborate tiered fountain of marble sea beasts and monsters endowed mermaids happy maidens and boys    

fresh coldsmelling water pulsed and splashed and slipped across breasts and ample buttocks chests accordion ribcages twisted backs and gentlyslyly over quims and cocks and thighs muscled in exertion in erotic desire

a queer bottle in hand he roved to the fountain

he dropped to his kneesplunged his arms into its cool depth and slaked his thirst quaffing from the palmsthe bowls of his hands

he had never been so thirst

the sea air  the sea waterthough he denied himself  worked his tongue the insides of his mouth harshly causing raw belligerent sores and they  separate of him  sought to revive themselves bathed in the healing water he let stand in his mouth between swallows


satiated  gut distended  he pushed up with his arms and legs at once and stood upright  he took in a tall white stone building which he must have exited to have found the table the veranda and the fountain 

it leered at him 

it was solitary

backed by an impenetrable black night



the whales brought him to shore

he couldnt imagine they meant to spirit him here  or had they 

obviously they were not without reasonthey were not without humanity  they saved him and he was alien to them
as alien as this place was to him 

he crossed the flatstone mounted three steps to a shallow terrace he entered the building unchallenged 

he went up wide staircases crossed intimate balconies that overlooked the banquet the freshwater fountain on the stone veranda

ascending to the top reclining storey revealing the steps of the storeys beneath it he entered a broad room that was separated from the night air by quivering sections of curtains 

the room was sparse  several couches  several clutches of gathered chairs and small tables  a reception chamber 

he crossed the chamber to a door recessed at the back of the room

he wanted to penetrate this overt mystery 

disregarding the broad passages at either end of the chamber he entered a voluptuous antechamber  his smelling scrubbed by sea air  he distinctly smelled raw blood 

he crossed to a stone balustrade that overlooked the space suspended over a marbletiled floor beneath  on the floor from the height he looked down from he could see a poor attempt was made to wash away what must have been pools of blood  he could see pinkedges  their hue still glistening  interrupted swatches peered faintly  bodieshe assumed dragged off                                 


haste

haste to conceal

from high dark oily smears  obsequious taint
                                              then stepping backward and asidesuddenly dazed  his vision blurring  he hears a tremendous scufflerough voices  thuds   and then horrible screams a womans scream shes choked  shes muffled
       and through the door entering from the receptionchamber it kicked open a mans back appears a woman struggles he holds her legs at her knees another man is rough at her shoulders onearmed his free arm pummels her head her head is swathed in wraps of fabric he beats her somehow she retains consciousness her body twists her scream is muffled at the balustrade the trailing man catches up and across from each other the men throw her over into space  they dont bother to watch her fall  they cross the balcony heading back to go through the doorTHUMP from below


they emerge with an unconscious man between them  a grievous wound to his head  they throw him over the balustrade and also dont watch
THUMP



his legs dont move

he floats to the stoneworks

their bodies have broken like water balloons 

spatters  rivulets of blood flow


the two men emerge

they throw buckets of water on the flooron the bodies  depart  return with more bucketsmore water  the blood thins  at once each roughly drags a broken bodytwisted unnaturally to an egress he couldnt see from where he stood  to an egress that would take them to the sea


it wasnt the liquor he imbibed 


he slipped time


he had only the audacity to smell  to watch time unwind itself and the transgression revealed

he was an unwitting witness

he could recognise both men

recognise the murderers




he also recognised as an uninvited stranger no one would listen to him






he sees  he murders the murderers



*   *   *


he sees

he sees he is no longer in the white stone building

he descended the stairshe descends past the storey where the bodies would have fallenhe descends hoping that he can find where the two men have exitedwhere they may have taken the dead woman and man

he emerges onto the flatstone veranda and runs to his righthe runs between odd guestshe knows the murderers wouldnt come this waywould be at some secret exit probably below the veranda   discrete


the earth is soft 

in the dark he can make out ruts cut by cart wheels the footprints of an unshod donkey or horse  one man rodemaybe both  he didnt stop to feel the compacted earththe ruts  he knew them  
hed recognise the murderers whether separate or together 

separate or together didnt play into his consideration



he chased into the night after the unwinding trail  already the earth was mixing with marl and sand  the pulling animal plodded  its feet bit harder at the toe clawed the sifting ground

he slowed to a walkand slowing  ahead   he could hear the wheels turn and groan  he heard the animal urged by a voice occasionally a lash  

he walked easily in the animals footprints reserving his strength


the path ran in a switchback working its way to the sea

atop one crest from behind seagrass he saw that both men rode on the cart  the bodies were secreted under a bulky tarp that didnt betray what lay under it

it was unlikely that anyone in the middle of the night would be curious to stop the men or ask what they transported

he ran to the end of a switchbackopposite the mens backs and worked his way noisilyutterly obscured to the beach below  

he arrived amply ahead of them and surveyed where the path emerged where the men might dispose of the bodies

the tide was high but it did not eclipse the crooked finger of a seawall that deflected the sea wavesthe beachs erosion

he assumed theyd take the bodies out onto the stout wall and hurl them into the deep water 

the receding tide would steal their remains and provide feast aplenty for the waters denizens

theyd have to manhandle the bodies to out near the point where the finger crooked  there wasnt room enough on top of it to turn the beast and the cart around    

he slipped his clothing and save his shoes he swam naked across the protected still water  he sprawled on the inclined rocks shy of the crook and waited

he should have been a murderer 


he read their minds




they carried the mans body first 

they were struggling  fatigued

they didnt see him rise behind them as they labouredas they swung the body into the seaone lost his footing and began to fallthe second rushed to grab and arrest him and akimbo off balance precarious he leapt and shoved them at once and they plunged into the water  then rising separately below him dazedgasping for air he cracked their skulls with large seawall rocks  the cracks either killing them or disabling their wits that they drowned  

they bobbed in the surf face down 

when they bumped into the seawall before the sea took them he struck them in the head with other rocks that he wield above his head like Atlas   

they did not protest 


like black turtles they finally floated out to sea with the tide




the beast untethered turned on the beach and began up the path to return whence it came  it ambled and began ascending almost gratefullythe cart lighter for the missing men 

it would be curious when the beast and cart were finally discovered






he thought to himself as he swam across the quiet inlet to his clothing  had he said he should have been a murderer



compleat: 1533,  Thursday,  9  8. 18