last nights fistfight wasnt helping matters

                                            :  So what the hell we doing? I can't interrupt you, not texting.

:  Doing?  I’m checking up on you. I wish I was there to help last night.

:  You couldnt have helped a thing. Maybe the other guy, he took the brunt of it. He was still doubled up bleeding in the parking lot when I left.

:  You know I meant you, I worry about you. 

:  What’s to worry?

:  You know I worry.

:  Then please save your worry for people who want it, they’re amazing at sucking it out of you.

:  You’re being mean.

:  Elaborate. You’ve become notorious for simple, detailless communication. How am I being mean?

:  I haven’t time for this right now.

:  Yes. You rarely have time right now. Do you recognise you've placed us on a back burner?

:  No, I haven’t. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

:  You don't, huh? Alright. You get a pass on not saying how I’m mean. 

But you’re not stupid. You understand me perfectly about people around you sucking up your compassion. 

You can’t help yourself.

:  I really don't have time for this.

:  It's about US. 
You haven’t time for us?

:  Not if you’re going to be terse.

:  But it’s okay if you’re discontinued.

:  I texted to support you. I care about you. I love you.

:  You love me, but you haven’t time to talk.

You might understand we’re become nothing more than pen pals, text buddies, writing in textualised light.

The part I play is to be here for you when you need me. I can’t remember the last time I called you and you picked up. You’ll notice I never leave a voicemail. But you know I called. Your fone tells you.

:  You could leave a voice message.

:  I rarely call. I know you’ll see it’s me, you won’t pickup, I’ll understand. Truth be known, I’ve helped set you up to ignore me because I’ve encourage your selfishness.

:  Yes. You have encouraged me to be selfish.

:  I’ve encourage you to be selfish for yourself. Unfortunately you use that selfishness only with me, I’ll understand; you don't use it on the vampires that litter you’re life. Somehow they get a pass.

:  I don’t know what you expect me to say.

:  I’m not expecting anything. I’m not here to burden you.

I don’t want to be electrons in your life; don’t want a bit part in Tron.

Dig

1301,  Friday,  4  5. 18

1423,  Sunday,  6  5. 18

he could dial up try to respect most concepts  he provided what he deemed sufficient etiquettewhat it may deserve  he wasnt born in a barn as his mother was fond of saying though she said it more often to him than any of his seven siblings

she said she didnt relish telling him

he didnt relish hearing her  Save your breath Maw I aint changing one iota

his iotas were long fixed at a cellular level from birth his slatehis tabula rasa had been cryptically scribbled all over  a veritable palimpsest that he saw through his paleblue newborn eyes and while not in possession of or having knowledge of things called words  hed bet he was pretty sure he thought Fuck it  

he tried not to be rudenot blatantly rude  

however when he heard something absurd he couldnt nod respectfully to the absurdist hmm him or her NO he damn near tripped over his tongue spewing his rebuke

he refused to provide audience or credence to horseshit no matter where it was uttered or among whoever     

the one tenant he couldnt tolerate the bad breath ofthat riled and incensed him was that when we die our loved onesfamily and friends will be waiting just on the other sidein an unseen room next door

wasnt anyone of sound mind and bodywhether or not they declared a last will and testament whos died thats pulling off into a rest stop or waiting at a railroad siding marking time for twenty thirty forty years  for you   not for you to finally come down the road aimlessly kicking an empty tin canyour hands jammed in the front pockets of your pants

he wouldntwasnt

hed have a hard time respecting those if they did

one could argue time was relativemaybe thirty forty years to the dead is the blink of an eye  mebbe 

but mebbe thirty forty years is an eternity   

mebbe theyd have something better to do or somewhere to goTime be a wastin and aint no time worthwhile blowin

dead  or alive

1703,  Friday,  4  5. 18

1611,  Saturday,  5  5. 18

David Bowie  Lazarus  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-JqH1M4Ya8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGiowEESWvI

                                                    November 1 Bobby will be dead for 24 years  he hoped over his time of living Bobbys eternal energy might have occasion to assemble and look at his choices approvinglynot as an arbiter  Bobby didnt have that much on the ballchutzpah when he was alive no knock no  just taking a peak a looksee  whatever is allowedkosher for such a materialisation

he knew a bit about it 

three materialisations were living with him

however since his girlfriend had gone to care for her soulsucking motherher brothers steering wide remaining farflung of their maternal clusterfuck scathinghuh  his roommates werent spending much time at the housein their defense  had he been able to materialise an dematerialise  he might not spend as much time with himself either 

she was really something to behold 

her absence was LOUD an oppressive 

                                       but hearts can be like thatwindy echochambers built inside us heaving resonating  reminding us when we dont need to be remindedhe didnt  he knew every day away from her what he was missing  though he was a realist too  sometimes too real  he predicted this time many times while they lived together  for years  24/7  Be mindful he warned warning himself as much It aint always going to be like this so lets really dig it while we canwhile we have it

they did

24 years Bobby has mouldered in a grave 

he says a gravenot his grave because he wasnt sure Bobby wanted to be buried his parents picked up the funeral tab for his wife and son 

his parents were ridden with guilt  they denied Bobby so much while he was growing up  sure that they were going to die before him he had to be able to negotiate lifes difficult straits without them

they made his life more difficult than it needed to be

his disabilities werent that traumatic

his parents traumatised him more than ever his birth polio did    

Bobby painstakingly his pain exited stage door left

he left them holding their considerable and extensive baggage

the funeral costs werent going to assuage that it wasnt going to cut itnot the funeral home Bobbys embalming the viewingWhaddafuck before he was revealed to mourners at the wake his parents asked him if he would come early and wha critique Bobbys corpse good thing Bobby was gone What the fuck are you kiddin me the funeral director was righteous and appalled hed been preparing bodies for more years than hed been alive he was an EXPERT 

Hey man my friend Bobby wasnt a clown or a drag queenLose the makeup youve caked his face with I dont recognise him  he turned to Bobbys parents You recognise your boy

his parents copped the plot the vault the highend casket  the luncheon afterwards 

he had several highend whiskeys on their tab after he stayed on alone to witness Bobby being committed to the earth by a fucking backhoe 

the funeral director wasnt happy with him and tried to move him alongtaking him at the elbow 

Yawanna keep your hand

It is not procedureor even civil that I allow a mourner to compound their grief and witness a loved ones interment . .

. . Ya got something to hide

No. Of course not.

Then step asidewalk away As agreed Bobby called me I came Im not leaving him now Particularly now 

smart  the director let go of his elbow  he stepped asideseveral steps  then stood respectfully  like a dogthe wellpaid dog he was

after the backhoe operator gently compressed the soil atop the grave and rolled back he knelt 

he scooped a handful of soil  kissed it  then pressed into the earth above where Bobbys face might be below  Well Bobby we enter a new phase of our relationship

it was his job now to talk about himshare his stories

Bobby wouldnt be deadnone of us will be until were no longer talked about

hed shaddup when he was dead

he never had a chance to share Big Head Todd and the Monsters Circle with Bobby

he heard it only after he left the hospital 4AM on the car radio after Bobby died of suffocationamazing what morphine can do

he hoped Bobby dug on some whacked out visions

at the time he was thinking Im with ya brother

 

1250,  Friday,  4  5. 18

1109,  Saturday,  5  5. 18

Whas that old bit

Bit?

Yahyou know it  that godthing serenity change wisdom  or perhaps wisdumbwhich aint so bright or reasoned

Wisdom?

Wisdumb  D – U – M – B wisdumb

Jesus, you never give anything a break . .

. . Nonot while it occurs to me it ought to occur to you  to me it seems

What seems to you tends to be a bit unseemly.

Bit Right on Were back to where we were Whas the serenity bit

Cryinoutloud. The serenity bit, as you call it, is God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Bingo Thats it One correction

You can’t correct an established quote. It’s Reinhold Niebuhr, he described Christian realism, the sinfulness of man, freedom of man, and, take a breathe, the validity, the utmost seriousness of the great commandment.

Theres a great commandmentgreater than the tenamong the ten

Well, to be fair, from Matthew and Mark, the Old Testament . .

. . Now yer talkin . .

. .Please don’t interrupt if you’d like this conversation . . wherever it’s going, I haven’t a clue, you never leave clue, you’re the bird eating the bread crumbs Hansel and Gretel dropped to be able to escape the woods . .

. . They didnt . .

. . Don’t interrupt. As I was saying, Mark and Matthew from the Old Testament . .

. . Amen . .

. . You’re incorrigible . .

. . I ammiddle name . .

. . Please you exasperate me . .

. . Youre not alone . .

. . And that’s why so many people think you're lonely . .

. . Nope Others mistake lonely with loneliness an alone I may be aloneby myself but Im not lonely Far from it

Should I continue. Talking with you is like weaving, weaving by hand, very slowlytime consuming.

Life consumes time

We could die simultaneously  thenperhaps  on some other side  sides  converse  an not waste Times time

How about we stay in the fleeting present and get to your bit?

Please  Continue  Ill try and resist myselfbut Im a pain in my asses too

Can you sit on just one of your several asses and continue?

Lets give it a go  IllHA try an hold the reins as you deliberate on Reinholdthe great commandment

As I was saying . .
. . Before you were rudely interrupted

Yes.

a smile despite herself worked across her face Yes. Before I was rudely interrupted.

he returned her smile Just fuckin with ya

We can have at that later.

I like where this conversation is leading

Incorrigible.  As I was saying . . . she paused he didnt interrupt she waited he waited

You were saying

she laughed I suppose I just interrupted myself . .
. . You did

Oh man. The great commandment. Old Testament. Matthew, Mark. You love God with all your heart and soul, with all your mind. Then. Thou shall love thy neighbor as thyself.

I’m trying to keep it brief.

Youre briefing meI didnt know any of that

So now you do.

I do  My correctionamendment

Okay. Correct, amend Niebuhr’s respected quote.

His Christian realismbut you have to buy into Christianity religion God to hold it updare say  let it endure or endure it as some kind of dogmaWha would a dog do if chasing down a car they caught it  Bark  Its all so much bark identifying with a pack  And theres so many packs

My correction amendment is  I think I have it now that you recited it  Gods grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot changethe courage to change the things I can  an the wisdumb to know the difference

I dont think I need to rely on one god to call bullshit bullshit 

I have my own serenity have my own mind Everyone does So why the mindfulnessthe apps god gods Why not settle down and understand the whole thing is within uswithin our power

Why this constant consistent niggling hanging our faults on god gods the worlds fall guy If I were godnot that he exists Id hold so many feet to the fire that itd smell downwind like a good oldfashioned Santa Maria barbecue

An you know what

I’m afraid I don’t. Though you may not surprise me.

Because you know me too well An you tolerate me

You forget, I love you.

You do I love you

The good oldfashioned Santa Maria barbecue

Yes.

Id eat

Im not surprised.

1034,  Reggae Friday,  4  5. 18

Big Head Todd and the Monsters  Circle  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGiowEESWvI

Esalens Serenity prayer:  I do my thing you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other(groovy), it’s beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped. Fritz Perl 

he almost said it seemedit didnt seem   they  were  being felled  trees that surrounded him all his life were felled 

one by one  by   one    terribly

                                     it reminded him of his boyhood in Chicago when all the stately Dutch Elms that grew on either side of the thoroughfares and side streets colouring the concrete and curbs beneath underwatergreen and arched up above him like sensate cathedral ceilings  they were infected  then block by precious block neighbourhood by neighbourhood they were cut down

on his side of the block alone fifteen trees were felled  their mirrorimages on the opposite side of the street were also felled

their stumps were chomped down by enormous mechanical toothed rotary diskstaken down below groundlevel  then topsoil was shoveled out of dump trucks to fill their swallow graves

he never saw a seedling or sucker rear its head  and this wasnt only the Chicagoland area that suffered wherever Dutch Elms grew across the entire country they were eradicated

it was a holocaust

he didnt mind that it happened in the rest of the countrythe rest of the country didnt mind or worry about him

it was similar to when a family member dies usually the immediate family grieves are diminished everyone else and everywhere else things continued moving brusquely forward  without notice   without sympathy

not that he wasnt guilt of it  or ignorant

the parkways were denuded

he felt exposed

here and there other species of trees remainedbut they were spotty  

the sun penetrated to the ground now no longer peering through leafy fingers that rendered its light opaque  soft
sometimes it was utterly blindfolded by large leafy hands and you were cool or cold in its shade

the saving grace of his youth was that the towns military school for boys housed inside an enormous compound was closed  its contained real estate and the promise of an increased tax base for the city superseded the need to discipline and educate wayward boys    

the black wroughtiron speared fences suspended between brick pylons were to be torn down first the demolition of the brick classrooms dormitories and outbuildings would follow however the development corporation provided the citys residents a unique opportunity should the people wish they could come inside the walls and help themselves to the young orchard and arbour trees that the cadets planted and were tasked to maintain the thought process that conceived their being was a sincere belief that boys who hadnt shown they cared about anything  wouldnt until they had skin in the game 

those saplings were their trees

try as he may to convince his father that they ought to help themselves to some of the trees  replant the parkway in front of their housethey had lost two elms  his father working two jobs wasnt interested

Fuck it he stammered at the door between the kitchen and the back porch Im going 

his parents may have spilled their coffees on the kitchen table to his profanity 

he didnt know

he was already coming up the sideyard pulling his Radio Flyer loaded with rolled burlap shovels a pick handshovels

he walked three miles across town

the corporate security guard at the front gate called him Mr. Ambitious  let him pass

that day he unearthed a sugar maple which really caught his eye  before setting to dig he also tied strips of burlap to other trees he fancied to hold slips of paper with his last name and address on it  he declared them his 

pulling his wagon and maple behind him as he left at dusk he told the guard he had made dibs on several other trees and he would really appreciate it if anyone else tried to dig them up would he please intercede on his behalf and stop them

Intercede. Behalf.

Yeah I read a lot

Alright. I’ll check on them tomorrow so I know which ones they are. As you know today was the first day, you probably noticed you were the only one inside.

I did  But Im only going to be able to get them one at a time and I dont think because thats the only way I can that I should lose my trees to someone who may have truck or trucks or bring a crew to dig them up 

You dont wanna break a kids heartdo you

You’re persuasive, kid.Oh, excuse me, you’re persuasive, Mr. Ambitious, though now I’m confused, whether ambitious or persuasive fits you best.

he stuck his hand out Howbout Joe

the guard took it I’m Mr. Cragg.

Mr Cragg my pleasure Nice to meet you I really appreciate your help

You bet, kid, er Joe.

Thank you

You’re welcome.

he transplanted four sugar maples two in the parkway before his house two in his backyard

his neighbour a Chicago cop paid him to transplant four maples for him two in his parkway two in his backyard

some other neighbours got in on it ones and twos

Mr. Cragg said he never saw a kid work so hardwork like a son of a buck Boy, you work like there’s no tomorrow.

he smiled 

he was too tired to talk

he still had to walk three miles home

1453,  Twosday,  1  5. 18

1444,  Thursday,  3  5. 18

SO  Hobby Lobby

                     archantichrist of Womens health who had the Right on the Supreme Court cater to them and make their prayers and dreams come true 

is also Hobby Lobby archChristianvillain who bought for their pleasure artefacts stolen from the Iraq Museum in Baghdadwhich Bushwhacker and Company may never had any plans to protect(when the New World is decimating the Old Worldthe Cradle of Mankind the Cradle of Civilisation despite their civility being tenuous a far cry from modern Western civilityyaknow stonings beheadings honor murders tribalismbut were catching up)   buying thousands of stolen artefacts smuggling them into the United States fined ONLY 3 million dollarsIdve taken David Greens left nut and every male member of his family or employee who enabled the transactionsso much for civilityhuh  and are returning them to Iraq

think  moneyed smugglersthieves touting their religion won a Supreme Court decision                 

Id reverse Burwell v. Hobby Lobby on account of these horrible thieveries alone

0947,  Thursday,  3  5. 18

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2018/05/01/607582135/hobby-lobbys-smuggled-artifacts-will-be-returned-to-iraq

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/looting-iraq-16813540/

archantichrist is redundant  catches the eye though  looks like the name of a terrifying meat-eating snaggletooth dinosaur

Who did he fuck last nightwho fucked him  he was having a hard time rememberingkeeping them straight in his head

Ohyes  yes

            the Hispanic bankteller  long wavy raven hair  mocha skin  blackframed glasses  figure eight body

they flirted across the counter

she accepted his offer to meet him for a drink

outside Black Sheep she sprung that she wasnt old enough to drink in an establishment

he didnt see that coming

she flashed her pearly whitesilluminated an idea in his head  You enjoy hot tubs

I do.

If you like we can buy a bottle of whiskeyhave whiskey an soda on the rocks in a hot tub

Where would we go?

I know a discrete place down by the ocean

And if I don’t want to be discrete?

You can make it an indiscreet place down by the ocean

I’m game.

she was 

her game was stupendous

                           they laid all their cards on the table except for her glassesshe made him beg to keep them on

his begging surprised even him

the night before was with a grocery cashier Eva Lee  When are we getting together? You said we would. You said we would even though I dropped the ball.

she had been a no-show when last he asked her out 

a friend of hers stopped by fifteen minutes late and apologised for Eva Lee said that in Evas excitement to say yes she had forgotten a surprise party was being thrown for her fathers birthday   

Eva Lee  pert  auburn  athletic

she was easy to forgive

You won’t take advantage of me for standing you up will you?

I will

Ooh, you give me goosebumps.

he gave her goosebumps

she said he made her feel like a naughty girl

he pulled her across his lap and cracked her ass

he kissed his handprints to make them feel better  Better

Yes. Would you kiss this for me too and make it feel better?

a few nights earlier he was bedded by Eva Lees sister Valarie  dusky  whereas Eva was bright

she called him to ask if he would stop by her place so she could thank him for taking her to the hospital when she suffered a gall bladder attack that ended in a surgery

she collapsed on the dock after an afternoon sail

he carried her three blocks to the hospital

after repeatedly thanking him she asked coyly  Would you like to see my scar?

Id love to he had a thing for scars

she laid down on the couch and pulled her blouse up

pulled it up above her breasts

she wasnt wearing a bra

it was a nifty scar

her breasts were pretty nifty too  Can I touch it

she swallowed high in her throat  You can touch  whatever you’d like.

they suffered no risk of pregnancy when fucking or being fucked

                                                                                    he had been masturbating

1514,  Twosday,  1  5. 18

1113,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  2  5. 18

You’re Just What I Needed  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5-rdr0qhWk