Whaddaya gonna doCry about it   

No sense in beating yourself up that you didnt know earlier

You find things out when you find them out  

Everything in its own time

(thats a bitter salve)

he didnt like being excoriated

                       least of all by himself

he could have a cruel tongue

often when he spoke there was no kindness in his tone 

his delivery was even keel as-a-matter-of-fact

when he argued he took emotion out of his words 

on paper he was the same   

though few knew hed written many missives over many years imploring the help of too many politicians and authorities and organisations after his wife died of prescribed pharmaceuticals – his letters proved inconsequential – they were answered late and answered with nothing more than tweaked form letters which implied American pharmaceutical companies were too large too deeply-entrenched in the Marketplace to challenge

                                        

his speech since was brusque

You find things out when you find them out          

today his illumination came while reading Wizard of the Crow by Ngũgĩ wa Thiong'o an exiled Kenyan writer

The world will always be what the world has always been  and  you remember what happened to you when you broke the law of your own words

simple truths simply revealed

the sentences caught in his throat

he read them over and over again

they seized and accused him

Ngũgĩ wa Thiong'o has been published since 1964WHY hadnt he discovered him sooner

whawas he gonna do

                 cry about it

 

1331,  Monday,  24  4. 17

1324,  Twosday,  25  4. 17

1366 days remaining or less

it was a stallshe was stalling

                      and he hadnt a clue whyany more than she said earlier(stop  didnt say  texted) earlier in the week that she needed time to process how she was feeling. (the period wasnt that big but it might have been because feeling was swinging in the breeze) feeling

                                              feeling whatabout what  feeling doesnt get more ambiguousmore vague than when unattended 

years into a relationship the cats got her tongue

                                       and when he played twenty questions or hangman she didnt want to argue

Hows talking arguing

I dont wanna argue

No    You dont wanna talk

I didnt say that

How is asking a question arguing

I cant do this now

We aint doing nothing

                  but I follow   We can talk later

I love you

a cheap bandaid not even a BandAid bandaid

theres nothing to do but echo

echo until time presents itself when he can physicallyface to face talk with her

the yakking been text

                and thats about as minimal communication gets except for the ejaculation of Twitterlike a Tom pissing a bush marking his territory dogs pissing on other dogs piss

no wonder theyre so damn thirsty  trying to keep the inkwell full the nib wetready to write

can i call you once i’m up and caffeinated

that was two hours ago

she said she was excited

said she couldnt wait to spend Sunday with him

excited  can be parsed

spend Sunday can be parsedyou can spend a portion of Sunday five minutes  you spent Sunday

esquire 

splitting hairs

esquire used to be a term of endearment

1422,  Sunday.  23  4. 17

1367 days remaining or fewer

          4/20   there hadnt yet been a better day made for him to fall on the paper scraps he used as bookmarks  he scribbled words and notes and pagenumbers on them so he wouldnt forget the interest they inspired  vocabulary thin ideas like lizard bones wanting flesh hung on them

                                                      osnaburg(a durable coarsely woven cotton fabric – didnt know that) obeah(sorcery practised especially in the Caribbean – like christianity elsewhere) a fart sounding like a primal scream clearing its throat in one hellacious gasp Feel it comin onDanger Will Robinson Danger Gimme some room(a kind of fart you dont dare deny) Gimme room   Nothing make a nigger work more black than whip scars

these scrap bookmarkers were tucked between the pages of Marlon James The Book of Night Women a story set in Jamaica at the knees of the nineteenth century during the Age of Science and Reason imagine that!  slavery  in the Age of Science and Reason

hell  the era coming down around his earswell beyond The Age defies both Science and Reason

if he had to say it had a taste hed suggest its closest kin was Darbys dose  someone shitting in his mouth

(ahJamaica – Jamaica shit in ma mout?)

                                he wasnt being hyperbolic

he could only conceive that those who were elected to political office were supported by a bulk of their constituents who didnt have a worthwhile public education 

or those who did were dead

                        or who mayhap comprised their voters were babes raised on the pap of social media for-profit charter schools(for-profit like love means never having to say youre sorry)  schools that arent obliged or mandated to subscribe to State or Federal standards(sub-standard may easily have been their standardtheir students a means to an end)  beyond their financial wellbeing their other possible obligation may have been to the franchise of God His insidious godma(have their wafer(Body of Christ) and eat it too)  Eat It Too  a dark part of him hoped they would choke on it  he knew the heimlich  though hed be damned if he exercised ityou have to look out for your own  and if they werent his own and one dropped off then fewer were those hed have to confront

confrontation

he was born for it

however not so his parents or seven siblingsNah

though to be fair he might have enabled their docileness by always throwing himself headlong into the fray no sooner had the hiss of their exhalation completed their insultslipped out of their throat

often he trapped in their airway before it completely escaped

he wasnt namby-pamby about what he took as insultthe blueness of their gagged faces provide him preliminary sustenance  the ensuing disagreements arguments a fistfight if need beso be it  he was all-in in a hearts beat

his family could depend on himhad counted on him

and he mayhap have inadvertently neutered them

though -- even if he understood he was – he wouldnt have pulled back

                                                                                                                                          it wasnt in his nature

                                                                                                                                                       wherever it came from

breathe

        breathe        Aahhh

4/20 allowed him deepbreaths   deeper than usual

   

                                               soulrummaging

1712, Thursday,  4/20

1020,  Sunday,  23  4. 17

1368 days or fewer remaining

Danger Will RobinsonDanger  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RG0ochx16Dg

Love Story  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5-8_1uCzR8

Dale Cooper Quartet and the Dictaphones  Mon Bibliotheque  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIu-7PNR00M