2.4.17




When a student is ready a teacher appears
                                   so much jactitation(the twitching of a limb or muscle)
(he preferred jactittation ­­– the heaving of breasts)

when When a student is ready a teacher appears is said  when he embraced itthoroughly imagined it  he wondered where his teacher was   he had always been a student-of-sorts but those he would justify as teachershis last teachers were long ago  Mr Wappler a well-known Chicago Blackstone Group painter  he asked him if he would teach him how to paint  but after three weeks in midstroke he took the paintbrush out of his hand  Boy he said as a-matter-of-fact Youre no painter  still their ensuing relationshipan odd go-between between a nine year old boy and a 73 year old man taught him worldly things that resonated today  it was a breathtaking relationship   he didnt have a teacher again until high school Mr Benthal his mechanical arts drafting teacher  Benthal(as he preferred) told him that he was astonished by his unique ideas regarding architecturethat he was thoroughly excited captivated and enthralled My God Im more your student than your teacher  Benthal told him he wasnt familiar with anyone in the field who drew sliding exterior walls walls lowered like drawbridges room partitions curtains hung from overhead tracks to alter or arranged new rooms in an otherwise static structure  Benthal called his architecture Organic   

he confided in Benthal that he wishedcould only wish he could manipulate some elementelements something like DNA
to incite pliable perhaps living domiciles  homes  cells aggregating  in the shadeand like of a human body


it had been a long time



apparently he wasnt ready




1317,  Saturday,  1  4. 17
1345, Sunday,  2  4. 17
1389 days remaining or fewer Russian by

quote from Nnedi Okorafor  The Book of Phoenix
Fela Kuti  Shuffering and Shmiling  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y--5IlljO78

1.4.17



the day descends(night descends – why this day)  ahthis day  because its the months end the day his family lefttheir stay at an end  its the day hes held hopefully onto ending a string of twentyfive weeks since hes seen his girlfriendhis partner(the terms girlfriend boyfriend never cut it to understand their commitment)
                                                                   the day descends
a countdown to a determined end

when something ends it descendsit  is in decline



he sat leaned back in his old Steelcase sec chair and looked at what he wrote

Dark he thought
             but his idealism was affected by his realism  he wore them at the same time  


hed never be a fanatic



when her text message arrived in the morning complaining that she wasnt feeling well  he tipped the scales she left uncommitted titter-tottering  he arraigned it NOitd been too many times 

when she called late that evening she was hurt that he was unsurprised

he didnt apologise 

she said she missed him badly(raising the stakes working leverage)

he replied Ah I miss you too love  Though its not what you say its what you do

What are you sayinYoure acting passive aggressive

Im not being passive aggressive  What would you say to mewhat would you say if I stood you up thirteen times consecutively over twentyfive weeks  Then I said I missed you badly . . .
. . . Im not well

Yes  Then dont make plans  And certainly dont tell me that you dont want to commit to a timeframea timeframe Ive set
I didnt  I asked a week in advance to meet Friday evening 

You abide timeframes every day of every week working   

That said your incentive is money 

Im not offering money 

Youll work unwellYou wont see me unwell despite us living together while you were unwell

When I say its not what you say its what you do Im making a simple statement of fact 

If youre irritated by that fact its your irritation


And youre not irritated

No 

Im realistic  I put my finger in my mouth wet it then hold it up to the wind to find out in what direction it blows  I also look around me for clues                                                                   

Im fine 

Ill not coerce you to spend time with me  You can or cant  Thus far you havent  Pretty simple arithmetic



0714,  Friday,  31  3. 17
2040,  Friday,  31  3. 17
1390 days remaining or fewer Russian by

Bob Marley  Waiting In Vain  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTG7ZxO3-sE

31.3.17



he saw subliminal messages where no one else did  and when he pointed them out they wereWOWed  Man Never would have seen that
                    but did they    or rather had he directed them to see what he saw and what they saw together was never intended by its creator

which isnt to suggest he gave a fuck what the artist or photographer intended   Art like Pornographylike Beauty  is in the eye of the beholder
                and beholding he may have tainted the eyes he turned to see

he couldnt help what he saw and he wasnt disturbed to shareno crime  it wasnt like he shared scads of sawbucks that he knew for a fact were from a stolen bundle thereby making them accessories to his principal and laying layer upon layer upon layer to hide behind  secret himself

                                     No  he didnt have that kind of devious patience
that would be the patience of a saint

what did that say of successful criminals



he was at the gymof course he was  he was a bit of a gym rat when his body wasnt betraying him  but he accepted its betrayal  he wasnt one who often listened to his body  he didnt listen when it bitched pain
                                                                         pain is a matter of mind over matteran old joke  if you didnt mind it didnt matter

he led himself into some dark alleys and paid the price

would he do it differently

if he did maybe he wouldnt have found himself in those dark alleys  No  sometimes his body doubted and Shakespeare would come to his mind(how many people have Shakespeare come to mind? Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt  Lucio  Measure For Measure)  so hed go toe-to-toe with the bastard that was his body with the bastard that was his mind  food for psychoanalytical thought  more fucking saintshe was up to his hips in saints  give him a bitch saint and let the two of them have their way at each other(he probably was  there was a sprite of a woman in his dreams lately  her stature was small and she fooled him into thinking she was a girl when she wasnt and he felt badly when he relieved himself over an edge and didnt pay attention to where he urinated and when he finally looked down he found her turning gloriously and brightly in his shower  drips of rain at her brow and off her chin  and then hed reach downimpossibly and grabbed her at her gay yellow floral dresss breast and yanked her up so she stood across from him  she cooed  she kissed him  then things got hot and they glowed like amber filament inside a lightbulb scented with vanilla or jasmine with sage or rosemary twisting the atmosphere
what the fuck was that)



on the gyms third floor were the weight machines 

his artificial shoulder deemed no free-weights  he didnt want to lift too heavyhave them go akimbo  then have his titanium joint pull out like a turkeys leg or wing from its joint at a Thanksgiving slaughterNo
                                                                        and on that floor going up the stairs to his right was a poster  gyms always post inspirational posters for clients who needed to be inspired those who lacked the determination willpower and only briefly occasioned the gym  he saw them come en masse every year after Christmas  then within a couple of months the gym thinned out again to its usual rats  maybe picking up a new rat  though they were few and far between

at the top of the stairs turning left striding into its space the poster brushed his periphery  he had not paid any attention prior

yet for some reason(the sprite?) he paused and turned back to look at the poster

its subliminal gaze caught him with a wicked jab to the eye now that he actually looked it  it laid out voluptuously pink and fleshy heaving in the poster  he couldnt look elsewhere  if the photographer hadnt meant it then surely he didnt view his work objectively

he had to mean it 


there were words on postersome message  but he didnt see them 

there were three people in a medical examination setting

at the left a middle-aged man wearing a van Dyke beard is dressed in a pinstriped shirt opened at the throat  he leans against an examination table  hes of the age when for whatever reason health beings to peter out(veins of valuable ore exhausting) or rather seems to become more problematicprecarious   things abused finally catching up with one

to the mans left in the background at the posters center is a young blonde nurse clad in a white medical smock and slacks smiling excitedly  she clutches a clipboard over her breasts  a blue pen stuck between her fingers
in the foreground and dominating the right side is an older nurse who faces the man  her excitement has faded to a wry smilea somewhat condescending smile(who it is meant for is ambiguous)  she is also dressed as her young cohort  she clutches her clipboard high in her left arm  her right arm hangs unseen  unseen  until you see her handher pink fleshy hand her thumb the casual relaxed-gap inbetween and her long index finger  her hand is poised directly in front of the young nurses loin  it appears her cleanshaven pubis gazes happily unashamedly at him

he nearly waits for it to wink



the man is in keen exposure 

the depth of field isnt correct 

the women are slightly out of fucos their appearance soft brightened  ethereal   damn-near sanctified  wanting  

the mans van Dyke seems devilish and his expression now noticed  seems lurid

what was subliminal is substantial

        
                                  he was tempted to walk over and gently stroke her to a hiccup



1721, Twosday,  28  3. 17
1005,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  29  3. 17
  ohyeah 1391 days remaining though quickly assuming fewer(Russian bye)