sunset                                                                              

the sun was going down again                                                                                              

he was missing his partner-in-crimethey had not seen the sun set together since early October

it pained him he knew the exact date  October 12

it pained him that she didntshe seemed obliviousshe blamed her illness for her pitiful memory

he shrugged(a mercy he allowed himself) and chalked it up to his long long memory a memory even his parents thought was bizarre  Why would you remember that you were maybe a year old

they must have forgot he was a fat baby he didnt walk until he was twohis younger brother walked before him and since he sat on his ass like a pat of butter on a pancake on the floor or in his playpen he assumed he was observant
the fat of his brain trained itself to watch and retain what might otherwise have been inconsequential details and experiences

he had a long long fucking memory

for years it was their practise their time for a beer perhaps with a shot of spirit to sip and relish the end of day their practise to conversation a playtime a time which never lacked impetus and skewed often to the fantastic  as convened by a storyteller and an artist

topics relentless rolled from their tongues like water worrying stone  and the stone grew dull  was effaced and eroded

they never gave a thought to their ceaseless sunsets 

                                      until suddenly they stopped

and left a gaping Hole in their relationship

he couldnt help but wonder if it would be again

he was becominglaugh he was insecure when did that occur to him  he thought rather it was him becoming impatient insecure  at least be honest with yourself so you can be honest with her however her new pronouncementsvernacular didnt help his state of mind  i’m sorry i’ve been mia

ah  m-i-a  missing in action

her curt mia was followed by  i think i need to continue being selfish and introspective. maybe that’s strange. or cruel.

i don’t know.

texted

not words out of her mouth

speaking and texting were two different things

he felt when serious things needed to be said that there was an inherent cowardliness texting them

as he learned and understood that some people de-friended others on-line and rather too when he overheard someone say they had been dis-invited from an event  on-line

de-friend  dis-invite

What the fuck?!

apparently the sun he knew set differently these days

a sun he had no intention of following

1705,  Monday,  16  1. 17

1456 days remain or fewer

dogs  

               dogs

     the dogs from backyards barked and bayedhowled  their chants their intonations seemed noxious or at least displeased by him  their raw voices pelted him as he walked down the street beside the rainwater flowing in the gutter

and when the backyards that didnt have dogs ensued and they ran out the remainder of the block  even then  out of earshot  he was sure their cries continued to antagonise one another  snarling through chainlink fences baring their teeth and secretly grateful there were barriers and obstacles between them  they preferred their nauseous talk to battle
to sharp teeth ripping flesh tearing lips biting ears and throats the blows theyd mete swinging their rumps or banging chests pawing and scratching secretly Drumpf dogs  as compared to John Lewis dogs

Drumpf dogs submissive roll onto their backs and piss all over themselves

1217,  Twosday,  24  1. 17

1457 days remaining or less

he tried to convince her that everything was better in the sunYouve heard sunlight is the best disinfectant 

she didnt say  

Eventually it erases everythinganything that causes you distress

she listenedhe assumed

For example he said body shaming her breath caughtshe was listening  You have a lovely body Beautiful  And you know how desperately I want to experience you in the light of day   And we know that shyness isnt one of your attributes If anyone is forthcoming in your face  its you

Youre brave

You have a stoic mind

Youre not one who usually is easily swayed or manipulated

So whats the hubbub bub                             

                   she burst out laughing tickled by his remark(perhaps her solemnity eroding)  then she laughed demurely though sustained    then she insisted My dislike or reticence if you would of exposing my body to you is that
I would be less embarrassed if I was in better shape  Perhaps in shape then Id feel more inclined to have you see me
in the light of day

he was failing again

he could never get across to her have her buy into her beauty her loveliness how her inner beauty informed her overall beauty informed his forever aching-desire for her like a child after candy   not ever

                                                                     no  not ever

and as they slipped apart as their love became less and less a bond  I love you  words  not love  he anguished that she would never see herself as he saw her anguished that she limited herself and those limitations were wholly hers inveighed by her impressions by the derelict upbringing and loathing she suffered at her mothers feet a mother who always sought more for herself than her daughter  inflicted on her a perverse mothering

and that repression and violation went deeper deeper than her intellect  a seemingly impermeable stain       

if she couldnt love herself how could she love him or anyone

he couldnt hurt over her any more

his body was resistant to pain 

unfortunately his heart wasnt

that archaic line and truth occurred to him  You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink   

he couldnt strangle it

his intentions were plain he never minced words

he was understanding that her mind and heart werent capable of shaking the leash or harness she pulled in all her life its labor wasnt something she could put down she could violate

(he never said she was mind-fucked)

he wouldnt be able to pursue her sunlight without her

1324,  Monday,  16  1. 17

1025,  Twosday,  17  1. 17