sometimes while washing his face applying Nivea after shaving sun lotion to thwart skin cancer(it ran in the family)

or washing his hair giving it a real good scrubbing he halts as if commanded  he recognises becomes fascinated that beneath his hands and skin are his bones  and fascinated he fixates on what his skull would look like without him

                                                                                                                                                                     without him

in the shower it was worse

when people shower alone they have a tendency to ruminate   unlike if  they were elsewhere by themselves

perhaps a gift of the running water(amniotic) cleansing shedding filth  unobstructed they revel slip consciousness

go hard hypnagogic

                                                                                                                                     showering one day in particular

he found realised as he absently gargled water from the showerhead he was also muttering over and over again under its cool spray  maybe mihi quaestio factus sum  maybe mihi quaestio factus sum  maybe mihi quaestio factus sum  which he learned read in St. Augustines Confessions  he muttered as others might sing songs with catchy refrains out loud or scatted to music pealing in their heads which none of them could get away with anywhere in public without being conspicuous or drawing attention and whaddafuck stares as if they violated or broached some kind of social etiquette in being themselves to their very depth

  

to him it seemed showers were critical facilitator

and while maybe mihi quaestio factus sum ran out of his mouth with the showerwater he was imagining himself clasping his head with both hands digging his nails into his scalp yanking pulling tearing his skin renting it and with one more strenuous mad dog rip he tore it down either side of his head over his ears his scalp and hair deafening him while warm rivulets of blood sluiced over his face his fluttering eyelashes down the back of his neck  he imagined it diluted pink at his throat and shoulders in the hollows catches of his clavicles his skull revealed gleaming white though knowing it wouldnt having seen too many skulls of animals as he dressed them(he wasnt going to get that past himself) his simian ridge prominent the knobs at either side near the back of his head feeling them had convinced him as a babe he was dehorned by the doctor who used an electric dehorner as cowboys did on cattle ranches his hide smouldering
his buds burnt and scraped away  not that hed bitch because the doctor didnt toss him over onto his back yank his legs wide apart pinch pull at the skin of his scrotum slice it away with a jackknife then work his testicles out one at a time drag the blade down his spermatic cord severing it a feathered wound which healed quicker than a clean crosscut then swabbed with antiseptic and swaddled

maybe mihi quaestio factus sum

maybe I have become a problem to myself

432/1632,  Saturday,  21  11. 15

                                                   123/1323,  Sunday,  22 (52^nd anniversary of President Kennedys assassination)  11. 15

the world could be a huge hole to dig things out of if you wanted(you couldnt have it manufactured for you)

the tools you had could procure  wrest  with your senses and hands   

or a cheap ball point

hed used the same kind now as he did when he was a kid

when these sensibilities commonsense occurred

the lights went On they never faded

he observed

they lapped his brain as coral was lapped by saltwater

attracting minute crustaceans who attracted small fish who attracted  larger fish

a wild ecosystem a biology

since everything needs water

his water fed and fed

it fed the chaotic the organized the spastic the agile

his cheap pen since had helped him record

its ink was red

as a boy he imagined it his blood   and with his light if something was obscure or hidden peeving him he got up walked to it got around behind under or over it and saw

How did you see that

when asked he had only contempt  derision

the asker had the same things he did

maybe   maybe   curtly dismissed unanswered theyd take the hint

they could do what he did

he didnt care

not an iota

that he did was all that ever was important 

hed miss himself when he was dead

above him two hawks

hunting observing  using their light

then a third

lazily circling looping   vigilant

he stopped walking

he thrilled in their sudden appearance

silent ghosts

most silent of the ghosts he contended with

circling they worked their way above a dying eucalyptus across the broken paved graveled road their underbellys through the brown limbs and dried leaves like camouflage like the white of fish bellys to merge them with the silent sunlit surface washing above holding them

the hawks kept moving curling on invisible currents working their territory until they were specks in the bluesky south

of him where he couldnt walk to in an hours time

he fell into their grace

happy again

grateful again he was their sole witness their accomplice to whatever murder followed

a fresh existential kill feathers torn away by their hooked beaks fur pulled and rent until satisfied to get at the warm flesh blood tender innards the nutritious gore where life lived

where nothing is manufactured

  

1334,  Saturday,  21  11. 15

accompanied by https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnVaaKT9tg4&index=27&list=RDlfWP7-o5hvc