simply stated

despite that he was her boyfriend

she was  The flame that attracts the moths

male or female

the males

shed had years of perfecting  dissuading them

stopping them in their tracks before they could even get the ball rolling

and she had become quite artful at not hurting their tender feelings

she could take No

but for some unknown reason or reasons still alluding her  No was the epitome of rejection  bruising their feelings and egos or egos and feelings

she wasnt a guy so she didnt understand the psyche pecking order

her boyfriend was no help

he took No

never really elaborated on why

offered it seemed a real simple transaction

Yes meant Yes  

No meant No

Black wasnt White

and White wasnt Black

she could only nod in agreement  nothing there to scratch your head over

but females

a whole other subject

like trying to hit a well-thrown knuckleball

damn thing wouldnt stand still
 

after a good workout at the health club she enjoyed a hot dry sauna

threw the switch off for the overhead light

gently coerced the thermostat with a dribble of water to kick its heating elements on again

and took a spot on the cedar bench  sat erect eyes closed

and went off in her head as she cooked

if someone entered they usually respected her chi

an almost palatable solitude she erected

                                                                  like shimmering glass

had someone preceded her into the sauna

she certainly respected theirs

it was a matter of courtesy that she perceived as common  common-as-dirt sense

people who live in glass houses shouldnt throw stones

the woman who entered the sauna after her

smashed her house

her clogs slapped carelessly against the concrete floor and she groaned groaned groaned and oohed Hot Ouch and manifested every sniff and snort anything else a child might do to be recognised or not ignored

despite   the element she walked in on . . .

it was not unobvious

there were lots of broken panes to peek out through

and as she expected

as she did  literally  peeked

. . . unfortunately she never mastered the stony dull eye of barely restrained belligerence her boyfriend had

he could kill an unwanted conversation with scarcely a withering look

he had an evil eye

Its not evil hed say I dont believe in it

Trust me shed reply its evil  If I was a demon Id be waiting on you to croak so Id be first in line at it  Snag it up and stuff it in my vacated eyesocket

Youre gross  Better bring a folding chair along  Gonna be a long long wait

he was belligerent

her eye opened a sliver

My its hot hotter than I usually find it Ill have to drink lots and lots of water while I bake Ridiculous not bake roast I noticed you havent a water bottle I couldnt possibly do that How do you do it I may have to dump some water over myself to stay put I recognise you from the weight room when Ive gone past The men must love you in there Youre quite attractive young Id give my eyeteeth to be your age again That was some time Some time I had to beat men off with a stick or whatever I could lay my hands on They couldnt take no Id say no Then they almost beg Hell Some would beg Beg beg beg Full grown men if you know what I mean full grown men rendered into impatient stubborn children My my my That was some time Some time I come in here take the heat take it for my hips my hips and knees God Its hot The heat feels so good particularly after I swim So good

Yet  you say you saw me in the weight room

Thats where the men are I gotta hand it to you Brilliant absolutely brilliant Youre a smart girl clever like your style Your strategy

Because I lift weights

Oh baby you can play it straight with me Lift weights buck stops here wouldnt breathe a word not a syllable

Good  I lift weights  I have a boyfriend

Thats a waste a boyfriend you ought to have boyfriends boyfriends peeling c-notes off their bankrolls for your pleasure whatever you want any old thing you want for their pleasure too it aint a one way street cant be a dumb bunny about it you get yours first they get theirs I mean its a rare boy that can hang with a woman They aint made like us Theres a reason were built like were built and we can exhaust them one after another after another Hell A boyfriend

Honey the worlds your oyster

If I were you thered be broken spent men in my wake

Once upon a time once upon a time

Your hips   And your knees

Yes hips and knees What sits before you is a cyborg artificial hips knees I think a got a shoulder coming in a little while my pitching arm

Pitching arm

You know  she motioned like a man masturbating  my pitching arm Some boys like being jacked off and watching themselves cum I dont masturbate they say Liars So I let them keep their lies and jack em off same price as if Im on my back or on my knees Unimaginative clucks If I got me a really good man Id fuck him for half price for my pleasure not too many men interested in my pleasure Which truth be known meant I could turn them in five minutes and scream how fucking good they were how they made me cum Oh Daddy Oh Daddy whats with these guys and daddy huh

I dont know

Hmm  Whod thought spreading my legs and giving head would have lead to fake hips and knees  Tell ya this much Im grateful grateful docs have the skill and technology to remake me Cant say I know where Id be or what Id be on to keep the pain I had at bay

Aint a man gonna keep me if I couldnt pleasure him do what he wanted

You know

I dont know

1951,  Thursday,  22  1. 15

the nailhole in the wall behind the toilet creeped him out   a bit

                                                                                                         its attitude changed

day to day

sometimes . . .  

                   it had either been made by a rusty nail too large a diameter for whatever it was that hung from it   --   he based that on the fact that it penetrated only the sheetrock  there was no stud behind it to hang something heavy  though why anyone would hang anything heavy directly above a commode  your back to it  was beyond him   --   or the hole itself had rusted

                                                                                                                                 sometimes . . .

it seemed to watch him

appearing dark  then bright and shiny    like a fluttering eye or a portal

whoever punched the hole in the wall was sloppy

                                                                                they didnt center it between the corner

an adjoining exterior wall and lavatory mirror  or make center up directly from the toilet

they missed it by better than an inch to the right

obviously

he could make that out by eye

                                                               yet  if he imagined the absent piece framed

they did approximate the height to hang it by

he wondered if they didnt get lucky

since he moved in and found the nailhole hed been thinking about hanging a piece of art over

its leering

but the thought of filling it in the meantime  struck him repugnant

                                                                                                         perhaps  it was an airhole

and the last thing he wanted to be responsible for was asphyxiating    something

too many times hed heard his girlfriend in the shower suddenly talk out loud   --   the house  if you werent in the same room together seemed to deaden their voice  take them  as if each room was an entity onto itself   it was a mild irritant -- hed walk into the bathroom and say Sorry baby I was in another room  Were you talking to me

and unremarkably  Now  shed say I could have swore you were in the bathroom  just on the other side of the curtain  I saw your shadow against it heard you breathing

No

I was in the other room

but then she was experiencing exactly what hed experienced since moving in

Their roommate 

                          or roommates

hed laid out enough wall constructions and built enough houses to distinguish partitions or bearing walls

hed know if space was lost in rooms to secret runs between walls  hed built them

this was only a partition wall between the livingroom and bathroom   standard code

when he caught the brief fluctuation between dark and light       then dark again

peering from the hole

it seemed the look came from a long long way away   a glass pressed at it    a microscope

a telescope 

 

an obvious presence
 

it stayed his hand 

                               queerly

from hiding the nailhole behind anything  filling it   denying it

creepy Yes

threatening No

he was also aware that the more he knew the less he knew  and many things defied explanation

so why explain them

why the abject requirement to understand them

they let them be

(though secretly  he hoped they creeped them out a bit too)

                                                                                    Tuesday afternoon,  20  1. 15  

1248,  Wednesday,  21  1. 15