On overcast days

those threatening rain or snow

when outdoors     

                          birds tossed seeds into the gangway between his red brick

apartment building and the one next door

                                                                      he could hear them  finally  through

the doublehung casement window in his bedroom   sprung wide open

when  after considerable time and expense he had revived it

stripping it  sanding  varnishing  resealing it

after  for a very long time  it had been efficiently painted shut by either lazy tenants or

ignorant management

its innermost coats lead based paints

he repaired the sashes weight-and-pulleys  re-corded them

choked on their dust (possibly dead mould)

and laughed at the news on wadded old newspapers stuffed into their cracks                           

he did not improve upon them

he restuffed them with thrown away crass tabloids one usually found on leering racks

when exiting drugstore check-out lanes

what was it called

Pay-It-Forward  perhaps

perhaps  that was its correct vernacular which he somewhere sometime had overheard

pop culture was not his thing

current events were

and the pair were irrevocably dissimilar

neither ever inclined to inform the other

                                                                               the birds scratched and pecked

fluttered in the gangway under the dull lead sky

they seemed lethargic

they probably were not

it was probably the effects a good stagehand or lightingman might achieve

and if the birds were not as he surmised

                                                                  then the lighting was working its magic on him

and shadow puppets spawned  working their way into his eyes

flashing and matriculating on the screen pulled taut inside his head

                                                                                                               shadow puppets

a bit too precise  detailed

woefully too close to silhouettes of familiar precedents hed rather not see just now

or ever again

for good reason

he was prone to spirits and hauntings  who worried him with their visitations and

protest  who followed and besieged him  who had something to say or explain

whether he was interested or not

he was not

                    and in the hollow suspended above the gangway the birds turned delicately

into phantoms and souls that he sought to disregard

and they would not be

they were adamant   feral   lusting

even his clenched eyes could not stop their appearance

and they became his  even more than if he wont

he was fey 

 

they turned their screws  turned and turned them

turning their cog in this world

their slight shim

their toehold

  

their  perhaps  single aperture to be found in this fecund light

 

and try as he may he could not convince them he was too shabby for their purposes

he stood before a mirror and screamed LOOK!  I am emaciated  My withers  if I were a

horse  Id be horsemeat or glue

                                                   as surely most of them  by their renderings in his eyes

remembered strong and well-tended horses before horseless carriages

but he could not displease them

or discourage them

Then 

          early Morning

then   temporary Reprieve

                                            the birds disassembled and returned to their roosts

when the sky was coloured like bruised roses 

                                                                                                    

when his breathing and exhaustion heavy

and before falling asleep he thought

or maybe he prayed

maybe this day would be sunlit and hot and force the birds to the trees at the lake to

forage there

Mingle

and forget

                                                                                                                                      

he exist

2317,  Saturday,  1  11. 14

He said “Without the warmth of a woman in the room I couldn’t live.”

the other man listened

--   You havent anything to say

--   Yes

I could

--   Yes  You could have something to say in response  or you could live without a 

womans warmth

--   I could live without her warmth

in a room

--   You could live without a woman

--   I live without a woman  though prefer not living without women

--   You dont have one

--   Have

--   I have a woman

--   You own  possess  a woman

Does she know you think you  own her

--   I provide for her

--   As she provides for you

 

--   No 

 

I provide for her 

--   She doesnt provide you

  

--   Not as I provide for her

--   Ah the Warmth she provides you warmth  And since it got the ball rolling perhaps she also provides you affection  What else would make the room youre in with her warm  Oh the dinners she prepares or perhaps the heat from the fresh laundry of yours she has done

I think she provides you amply  

Would you agree

--   Shes obliged

--   Because you have  own her

 

--   This is ridiculous

--   Then

are you ridiculous

--   Because I cant live without the warmth of a woman

--   In a room

--   Are you intent on badgering me

--   Im intent upon your declaration and inability to  live  without a womans warmth

as if her preoccupation were to warm you  tender you  care for you as you enjoy what

ministrations you will

without  and not without evidence

of warming her

--   We are from separate times

--   We are indeed

And apparently I am capable to care for myself without  Mother

Unlike you I would not suffer the extension of Mother through another woman anymore

than I would suffer Mother as an independent young man or middleaged and older

Is this our separation

--   Perhaps then  you havent met the right woman

--   If what ensues in a right woman  is the kind of woman you prefer at a leash

I have

And I have let them to themselves

I was uninterested

I remain uninterested

--

--

--   Then  we confirm  To each his own

--   For once I would agree with you

1049,  Friday,  31  10. 14