hurtle hurtles

                  twentytwo years later he still hasnt learned to negotiate them

goes through them rather than around or over

it hurt

its ugly

gets beatup

sports welts deepbruises cuts

                                  however

their existence reveals he managed

to those who cared  it seemed his intent was to doggedly persist

                                                                   he didnt want to learn

and they didnt dare ask

   wisely

               wiser than they could realise

despite knowing its coming hes blindsided

                                              and because he relishes cherishes life its beauty its joys he believes understands that he everyone  must suffer to a degree to keep balance

2200,  Monday,  1  1. 24

1130,  2sday,  2  1. 24

Marta  Today (False Idols)  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOFAgc9UJWw

The POINT! is . . . .

                      there is no point

to each thing an opposite

somewhere in him

is exactly otherwise

   and thats me

                   believing in me somewhere  -- here --  exactly

otherwise

            him

or

            her

the more we wrest with standing under

                                           we stand over 

we cannot see under foot

over head

every answer has questions

every question answers

                           and amid uncertainty

a desire to dictate control

the point is . . . . there is no point

   LET . . . .

             GO . . . .

Tuesday evening,  25  9. 07  before Toots and the Maytals

2025,  Monday – New Year,  1  1. 24

   he wanted to Romeomance Juliets snapbox

he was trying very hard to gentlypry from her  

the particularpeculiar chant

                              to relax her

take out the stiffbones in her neck

relax her shoulders spine hips

turn her into warm jelly

when they met

                  Juliet?

   Yes.

Named for Shakespeare’s Juliet?

she smiled warmlyher nose wrinkled very slightly

                                                     My father’s a huge fan read the onehundredfiftyfour sonnets in order then begin again finish begin again. I know some kids who learned English from their parents’ recitation of the Bible; I, I learned it at my Father’s knee as he read Shakespeare.

Yes.

Juliet.

he tried very hardwas mad to learn her abrəkəˈdabrə

Open sesame

                learn

her KNOCKKNOCK Who’s there?

                                  so she would answer  open the door

   unsnap

May, 2007

1942,  Monday,  1  1. 24

Is there something wrong with your hearing?

No Ive had it tested it tested well

                                     I can hear

I think however I hearfor lack of a better way of saying it   I hear wha I want

You chum the water

I rise to wha appeals

   I hear you. But I don't follow you.

Awright A week or so back we were discussing space You mentioned Halleys Comet  I heard Halleys Comment thamade me curious what Halley thought

                                              which spun me reminded me of Mark Twains coming in an leaving with it

“The Almighty has said, no doubt, ‘Now there are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.’”  Twain died on the Twentyfirst of April Nineteenten  a day after Halley reached its perihelion

I learned later Halley didnt name the comet It was named in honour of him by Abbe Nicolas-Louis de Lacaille in 1759 after it returned as predicted by Halley who used Newtonian physics determining it woud Thus an affirmation of physics

You triggered that

   Odd, don’t you think?

No

The same afternoon we discussed American slavery thait triggered the Civil War and someone woud have to be an idiot a turd you said to think it didnt You said chattel slavery distinguishing it fro . .

. . Indentured slavery . .

. . Precisely

             An when you said chattel I heard shadow thought shadow slavery  which really appealed to me presenting possibilities attributes definitions I hadnt considered prior

I do hear you

                But then a wholeother vein appears an I gotta run with it

You run with it.

I do

      Rather I track it How many times am I scribbling while you keep talkin . .

. . And carry on the conversation we're having.

                                                    Like you were a chick.

Multitasking

Yes. Exactly.

Which is why I have but you never will

Careful. Never’s an absolutewhich I know you adore.

                                                         Which is why I will never what?

Be in a menage a trois

                         Youre limited as you often say Can only do one thing at a time

NEVER

1813,  Thursday,  28  12. 23

1452,  Monday,  1  1. 24

there are two things one can provide someone who is older tha maybe hed be someday if hes lucky

   Nuts  can only remember one right now 

                                              crossing his fingers that as he writes the other will come to him its decidedlydarker which is probably why on the first day of a New Year his brain is tamping it interfering

the one he can remember

                             CATS

not CAT   CATS

WHY

two benefits

              agility    balance

CATS get underfoot

                      stealthily like fucking electric cars suddenlytheyrethere

                                                                                 youre poached

anifya havent kept up maintained your agility and balance

theyll drop you

                youre down

on the floor

could break something 

which he believes  is called incentive

with CATS

            also comes companionship which comes with fine print

responsibility

obligation

   but

       they help retain agility balance vigour

he knew itknew if he dragged his feet long enough the second would come to him 

                                                                                      flipflops

how are flipflops not toegies or thongs a band across the foot how are they decidelydarker

hed bet odds-on if someone gifted an elderly person flipflops

                                                                the gifter is probably in the Will

1349,  Reggaefriday,  29  12. 23

1305,  Monday,  1  1. 24

cat ate a canary grin on his puss

   Whacha smilin about

My sisters. My brother. Several people who I’ve befriended through them are going to get me into Heaven.

                                                                                                               his grin twisting more

Woudyastop yalook ridiculous

Can't help myself.   I’m In.

   In

Yabetcha.

shook his head  

                  Youre In as much as me which means a cold day in Hell Although Ive renounced it loudly more virulent than you

Yeah, I’d think you’d temper that just in case.

In case of wha

In case.

Fuckyou pullin your agnostic card again  Commit

I’m just sayin they’re believers, true believers.

                                                   I’m In.

Praytell

         he didnt laugh though it coudave been a joke

I will.

All ears

They tell me they’re plus one.

Plus one

            Like a wedding plus one

   Yeah. Exactly.

Then you an they are full of shit  Plus one my ass

1537,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

1612,  Sunday,  123123

She woudnt accept me wishing her a Merry Christmas I coudnt she said because I don believepissed me off

You let her go.

I did not She made a production about it an I don take shit off anyone

She’s mother-in-law.

Motherinlaw

               I don take shit off my Mom   Nobody

Well. You don’t believe.

Careful

   You don’t.

I told her I celebrate Christmas  Tradition

                                            She laughedsnorted literally spat tradition  An I went after her God her loving benevolent God  Yah tell me Maw tell me about God in the MiddleEast twentyone to one dead Gazans to Jews Palestinians to Israeli some real proportionality Bibi clutching to power somebody ought to make him a statistic  Yahtell me about God  Slaughtering each other over religion a religion like yours

You didn’t.

Donbe an asshole Im telling ya

                                    A religious war whastha called  Im heated I cant think

Yeah. I know what you mean gimme a second . . on the tip of my tongue.  On the ti . . oxymoron . .

. . Thasit thas right oxymoron

                                 he laughed

You’re laughing?

I am

What’s funny? You were brutal with Mom.

Oxymoron

   What?  Oxymoron.

I tend to think humblebrag

Humblebrag?

An oxymoron   

1504,  Saturday,  30   12. 23

1129,  Sunday,  123123

he laughednearly choking on his coffee Muthafucker thawas hilarious

Yathink? his eyes eager

Yah I think

             But because youre so rarely funny

Hey!

Truth

        Ill give ya credit ya try But youll have to admit you usually fall flat

   begrudgingly  Crazy. Funny when I don’t intend to be.

A scream

he had drawn a line on paper  labeled pseudointellectual left at the extreme right intellectual

                                                                                                     Thalook right to you

he nodded

I coud make it more extreme turn the paper longwise

No. It doesn’t strike me there’s that much room between them.

Why the page upright struck me as reasonable

I agree. Reasonable. We are talking intellect.

Good he chuckledno pun in intended  Were on the same page

Choice. No pun intended.he laughed  That’s funny yeah, I made a joke.

   No

buddy deflated

Question

Let me recover, wouldya?

Wasnt tha far a fall

                      Rally

No. Not so far.

                   dejected sighed  What’s your question?

What is the gulf between pseudo and intellectual called sipped coffee

   Purgatory.

almost blew coffee through his nose

1500,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

1014,  Sunday,  123123

. . . Oh fuck you Mom

You said that on the phone to your mother?

I did she was full of shit

                            I had to bring my argument home an she wasnt listening

Got her attention

So you said Oh fuck you Mom.

he noddeddisliked redundancy sayin again

That’s unbelievable.

Believe it

             Its the freight of fuck

Nothing comparable Nothing approaches its ardor nothing can replace it

      The freight of fuck

1531,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

0011,  Sunday,  123123

turned off the music

he was sober

the year was ending

                       the next year was going to be like those   2020  an after

on his heels  a relentless bloodhound trying to tree him

Fuck tha dog

tomorrow was New Years Eve

123123

          a friend texted him

he was usually on numbers like a blowfly on raw meat

he texted his thanks complemented them on beating him to the punch but to be honest  he was horribly honest

honest to a fault

   honest

             unsparingly unsympathetically  brutally    honest

he couldnt point that at someone unless he could pointed it at himself

                                                                           and he did

pressed the barrel upward under the crook of his chin aimed out the top of his skull like a tortured  tormented   suicide

  12 31 23

              The End

Beginning Again 

1621,  Reggaefriday,  29  12. 23

2320,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

Listen  do not watch  Beatles  Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/In the End  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYHPH2LEKiI

he looked the stainedglass windowslooked around the church

                                                                upandown the pew cross the naveacross the transept

watched intently as the priest mounted the altar

saw him over the ambo

altarboy to each side

she tapped him on the thigh

                                  What are you doing?

Im looking

 

she understood he didnt Believe

   but she knew he would listentake in the sermon

he was an exceptional listener

                                seemed always to hear moreunderstand at a deeper level than her  or perhapsas hed say  . . . in the moment it escaped her

                                            no  she knew it didnt

Tempest Shakespeare  What’s past is prologue.

he shared with her

                      Im steeped babe

which was accurate

occasionally during Mass she glanced at him

poker face

                hed tell her what he thought as they drove back to her place

Seatbelt?

You know I don wearem

   For me?

Not even for you baby

she wasnt pleased but theyd only be on neighbourhood streets

So . . you were very attentive.

                                    What did you think?

I very much liked the priests message  Hes a good speaker

And the face.  What was with the face?

he noddedsmiled  Youre observan . .

. . I was on tenterhooks, I knew you wouldn’t saydisrupt anything.   What bothered you?

Bothered  Yes

                 It was only a bother  I want you to understand tha

she said with mite trepidation

                                   What bothered you?

Its church

Yes.

I really did enjoy the priests sermon

You said.

             What was it you didn't like?

The parishioners  At least those I saw listened to

Didn’t like?

No

      During prayers

The prayers?

   Yes 

          I was disturbed because their tone  their tone struck me  as insincere    Rather  Rote   Passionless

If there was a God Im not keen Hed been keen listening to their faith disposed  I apologise   Rote

Sounded like memorisation

                             Flashcards  Addition subtraction   Multiplication 

I felt the priests words were uplifting but they   werent following

Not you

          I adored your recitation    Your faith

she smiled warmly

                     

I adore your faith in me  despite ours are dissimilar

   a tear fell to her cheek she didnt brush it away 

                                                       in a clear voice While I disagree with you you havent a soul. Your spirit is strong tangible.

                            Tangible.

Stop stop woudya

                       Ya just wanna get in my pants when we get to your place

1959,  Thursday,  28  12. 23

2010,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

   fantasy   fantasising    healthy

                                        he exercised his fair share  probably more than other common Joes Toms Dicks & Harrys hed leave it to the womenfolk to name theirs

however

          fantasy has to be recognised for what it is  tempered  life cannot be just deluding ones self

                                                                                                           referring to the spiritual philosophical psychological self 

not one abundant in readycash  billionaire  who may be able to afford fantasy  pay through the nose for it  because anyone party to a billionaires fantasy ought to understand their leverage  play it to the hilt

                                                                                                there are various depths to actually achieving particular hiltsCAUTION  donae kill the animal

                                                                      just bleed it

thinkleech  thinkvampiric though not create a vampire as understood through fiction

fantasy accompanies him to bed

the menu replete

                   pages he hasnt turned

Table of Content

Index

No

      the fun would be spoiled

theres a game he played anwoud encourage anyone to enjoy

                                                                 Burroughs of Junkie fame turned him onto it  Bill in turn explained he was informed by painter/writer/poet/mystic 1959 Brion Gysin cites ’59 as it is a hot branding iron  coud have been tha he didnt discover ithadnt placed the layers of newspaper as a mat to protect a tabletop from being scratched while he cut paper with a razor blade

                             dumb luck? 

   his game  randomly open a book  drop an eye in  extract wordsportions of a sentencegobble a whole sentence  close the book  repeat  until the song is complete

HERE

         Sartres Being and Nothingness

“the totality of persons

“would be projected outside me

“I am passive

“to be for and through himself

“Having, Doing, Being

“do not actually deserve

“full consciousness, all its

“humiliat(ion)

“he is nothing more

“the problem of the Absolute."

   take tha bitch to bed hed bet shed kill him with sex

fantasy                

0100,  day-between-2-Ts,  27  12. 23

1319,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

https://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88v/burroughs-cutup.html

https://www.thewhitereview.org/feature/the-idea-machine-brion-gysin/#:~:text=He%20was%20introduced%20into%20Surrealist,at%20the%20infamous%20Beat%20Hotel.

don underestimate the power of a hot bath

                                             theyve taught him more than he can say

just last night

hanging up a piece to let the wrinkles fall outdamn thing bunchedup like a balla wad of clothing for too long

                                                                                                                 crazy since it was written longhand on a sheet of flat coloured paper  maybe the coloured paperpretty

                                                                                                     he did have to write in black ink also not usually in his wheelhouse

it was crinkled prettybad

                           no telling what he couldnt see or missed in the fissures For Sure   Shaddup   I can say   I can break your jaw   Sheesh wha bug crawled up your ass   A bug tha hopefully I can soak out in a hot bath   Hot Bath   Oh  enthused by the prospect   I am I am Ill shaddup   Thank you   Thall help ya think muse   It will so . .

Ill shaddup

he upped the ante

1 2 3 4 5 6drips of lavender oil no more no less perfect ambiance or perfect to him  like a recipe provided  their ingredients but not their measure

imagined the call

                   Really Maw

Really Maw, what?

Got your recipes

Yes.

Thank you

Yes. You’re welcome.

Ingredients but not how much

It looks like the right amount or tastes like it. Our tastes vary, who am I to say what you’d like best. You’re a smart, boy.

Yacoud have provided yardsticks an I coudve taken it from there

Son.

       What fun would that be?

conversant doppelgänger or Mariachi or Maw

                                                  by baths end

the wrinkles had fallen away

AH

      I see now

    

1010,  Saturday,  30  12. 23

Bruce Cockburn  Trickle Down  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1TA0i-AHTY