I gotta get me one of those he was humouring himself

he closed the bookhis thumbs between the pages

itd be expensive

                 

the Romans had their shit together 

                                     “(They) cleaned their behinds with sea sponges attached to a stick, – ingenious – and the gutter supplied clean flowing water to dip the sponges in. This soft, gentle tool was called a tersorium, which literally meant ‘a wiping thing.’ The Romans liked to move their bowels in comfort.”

he thought the final sentence erred

                                     wiping ones behind and moving their bowels in comfort were two different things excreting and cleaning afterwards different beasts

the tersorium  a whole other matter

the timing was impeccablehe was finished

he returned the bookmarker to keep his place and set book down atop the others Shelly McCarthy Doctorow Perlstein Crumley stacked on a white ash stool to his left

Cottonelle UltraGentle CleaningRipples with aloe and vitamin E was his go-to he knew they developed flushable wipes but refrained

               Why  Theyre in line with tersoriums   a curious Mariachi bandit 

They are Ill grant you that

                            The difference two bucks  sixteen for six doublerolls onehunredseventy per  onethousandtwenty sheets versus fourteen for threehunredthirtysix sheets

Ah  being frugalcomfort be damned . .

. . Not really Tried an truetried an true  If it aint broke don fix it

Spanking me with idioms

I spose I am

Well doesnt affect me

No not really

Have you ever sampled them

A sample came with rolls I purchased once

An

My girlfriend used it

She like it

She did she did

She did

Yes she did

Im just sayin

Have to get the last word

 

  Yes   Please 

2152,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  27  7. 22

1034,  Thursday,  28  7. 22

he had twothree gurusno yogisno thank you mind over bodythough he maintained both to the best of his ability

Ari Melber  Twosday 26July 1702hrs

                                        “FOX . . . they will cover things that are not newsworthy, or even true, and even with that somewhat lower bar . . respectfully . as they say in the streets . respectfully . . they still did not cover Trump today.”

Pence got 17 minutes of coverage

Trump got ZERO   

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXtHUP0LSpM 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RZ4nrumQSk

the wind was really rocking 

                              the hummingbird feeders swayedswangtorquedtwisted it was some kind of breeze working the gangway between his neighbours privacy fence and his house

there were better than a maddozen feeding made him think of Rodney King ‘92 Can’t we all just get along? off to a side at an uncontested feeder who knew why one little bugger was beginning to show green gills they penetratedpresented through his brilliant emerald feathers redthroat

haplessly he tossed a wing to the glass cylinder that held turbulent undyed sugar water  then the other and leaned heavily against ithe could relate he spent a year at sea

                                                           although he enjoyed the violent stormsrode the bow ran a rope through a shackle he bolted to the railing he was having too much fun to be troubled or nauseated by seasickness even the time when he slippedwas working his way back to the cabin where someone blew their guts  it hadnt washed away was still warm  the only bothersome thing was that the mess looked like shit-on-a-shinglelooked like the creamed chippedbeef breakfast Cookie made and was immensely proud of freakin tasty  it made him think of his father-in-law and wife who seriously devoured Stouffer’s

Poor lil guy

              he watched him push off the glass turn aroundwobble a bit clutch the perch with his toes blow his meal a slick silver thread that coiledbriefly in the dirt then was absorbedcovered by loose dirt brokenbits of drieddead leaves

Poor lil guy

             he gathered himself wiped his bill with a wing turned around began eating again like a game Roman returned from the vomitorium misconception or not to delicious to deny

 

1723, Twosday,  26  7. 22

1309, Day-between-Two-Ts,  27  7. 22

it wasnt his handwriting

not on the clipboard he kept beside his bed 

he lived alone

if it was one of the spooks who toured his place they hadnt scribbled beforeitd been nine years  this script was strong precise

he was making the bed when he recognised it at his foot

had he written during the night hed remember then waking in the morning have gone to it hed remember he had though not exactly what he wrote except that he woke and scribbled no light he surprised himself how good he wrote in the dark it was legible

he didnt stoop to pickup the clipboard and read it

some things ought to be savored 

                                  he intended to savor the hell out of this 

curiosity bitched it wanted to know NOW  an impetuous child leaning heavily towards a spoiled brat

he thought curiosity would have known better  he was a bitch when someonesomething wanted to bitch him a hardline bitch 

      Youll wait until Im good anready

You can be such a prick.

Yah sometimes I am

                       Now go off somewhere Youll be the first to know when I go to read it

curiosity shuffled off dejectedly

he took care of his kitkats inside and out

made more hummerfood he attracted nine which was puny compared to the three dozen once upon a timefive quarts of sugarwater a day

made freshground black coffee

sat down read the newspaper played with the crossword puzzle  it made the paper worth its subscription

he read furthur into four of seven books he was reading

took off his reading glasses

rubbed the bridge of his nose

Ohyah he said out loudstartling the cats as they lounged around the livingroom with him

he was their alphamale a good alpha-bet 

                                    Yah why didnt ya knuckleheads remind me rhetorical  though smilincrossin his fingers hed catch them unsuspecting and theyd actually respond to himsay something theyd make a million togethertake the act on Johnny Carson

he fetched the clipboard

poured himself another cup

sat on the couch

put his glasses on

sipped the coffee

swallowed

cleared his throat

barked Curious

felt its presence

read

   a death threat

he was disappointed

less is more

maybe whoeverwhatever was hoping to bore him to death

kill him in his sleep in his bed

                              why would he fear thathed bet everyone wished theyd die in their bed if they could afford a bed a room a roof

 

the house had been locked

he wasnt going to lose any sleep over it

he kept it dated it timed it whoeverwhatever didnt that bugged him a petpeeve moved it to the bottom of the onesided pages other side utilised gripped by the BEAR-OF-A-CLIP clipboard

                                                                 suddenlylaugheduproariously tickled to tears  it occurred to him laughing harder it was probably the only letter he ever received he wouldnt reply to

0800,  Twosday,  26  7. 22

1117,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  27  7. 22

Billy Joel  The Stranger  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5ofVsxTPoc

Que le vaya bien

in lieu of a whiteboard he had paper on a clipboard  it was significantly more portable

his cohort was tickledloved illustrating his points by drawing graphs bell curves Venn diagrams  however he often couldnt attest to their accuracy

                                 If yawan you can doublecheck me. yawan  he was rubbing off on him

I intend to because I don know anyave admitted as much

You’re going to look it up? a hint of incredulity creeping in his voice

I am I don take anyone at their word I need to know for myself Drove buddies girlfriends my wife kids nuts

Your Venn is selfexplanatory only two cells in it an their intersection  I think your overlap is exaggerated

What if I said it reflects my experience.

I pity your experiencethough its possible my experience wherehow I grew up severely limited the overlap

                                                                                                              We might have been more serious less coddled

What do you mean less coddled?

You an yours your parents were affluent

                                           Affluence lived was across the tracks from us their children went to schools in the citywerent in our public school an donbe butthurt  you were coddledHell four years older than me and Nams draft wasnt your concern  I was in it up to my eyeballs for two years

his Venn was two circles whose arcs crossed through the others center  one was labeled Class Clowns the second Likes to be Liked  a significant overlap

1515,  Thursday,  10  2. 22

1446,  Twosday,  26  7. 22

Dispatch  Open Up  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqM5a2xYZPI

it was at a picnic 

                   an idyllic greengrass blueskies gingham lawn blankets picnic tables food iced drinks

  

I’m always screwing the two upcan’t remember which one is right, an when I think I am I make an ass out of myself because I’m stuck, I opened my mouth an said an I was wrong.  A behemoth . . a real fuckin’ idiot.

he was tentative trying to decide whether hed take the stick out of his hand so hed quit beating himself or if hed rather enjoy it 

           a little while longer  he wasat heart a sadist everyone was

Whacha cryinbout

You weren’t listening?

To the whining unmistakable  how coudnt I

Whining, I was whining . .

. . Like a beat dog

                   I heard you  but ya didnt say

I didn . .

. . Hinted  always screwing the two up 

                                           Two You didnt identify them   Anya came out of the bluesomethin triggered a thought  obviously distasteful

Thought I was gaining headway with this woma . .

. . Ya went off in your head We werent talking about women let alone one woman  Your date last night went sideways

You keep finding ways 

Apparently. he shook his head pitifully

he wasnt going to pity him pitys like greed it just wants more an more

he kept shaking his head

nope aint happening wrap your chintzybrain round it he wasnt going to enable his horseshit   man up

You said you confused two words

                                       You understand you confuse words often 

I was so sure.

So you made an ass out of yourself   You offer any contrition his head kept working side to side to no avail  Doubleddown didnt ya really made a splendid ass out of yourself . .

. . But I was so sure.

Id think by now when yare sure youd be sure you were wrong the head quit working

What do you mean by that?

Wha I said  The wordswha two words

You’ll shit when I say.

the back of his neckhead ached immediately Ive heard you misuse them before an Ive corrected you

You have, yes.

Tell me

You’ll be angry.

I aint your folks Ill be irritatedIm irritated now  Ya fucked up you were the one with dick in hand last night

Jest.  Gist.

Amusement  Substanceessence     Christ

I said . .

. . I donwanna know 

                        In the future when yare sure be sure yare wrong

I was so sure.  the head started wagging again

even his sadism had limits he bid him goodbye and walked away

1514,  Thursday,  10  2. 22

1059,  Twosday,  26  7. 22

Billy Joel  Big Shot  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhF8AgBR8hM

what kind of house of worship operates in a mini mall  maybe operates is too  Wha   too mundane worship ought to be sanguine optimisticpositive however its root is Latin sanguis blood bloody bloodthirsty  he couldnt think of a damn thing more bloodthirsty than church religion

                                              what kind of church operates in a mini mall between a hardware store and a donut shop on the corner is a House of Pancakes

always tickled to find humour be it black he flipped a coin Sunday mornings before kickoff to see if he was going to attend worship or stop and have pancakes or waffles or sunnysideup eggs  loose  combating the annoyednot understanding look he got in return he told the waitress just to be sure they jiggled when she walked

   Sandy Gawd bless her eggs jiggledshe jiggled it was divine to witness her crossing the diningroom with his order

she also remembered he liked Tabascoliked his toast drycoffee black he didnt have to ask

                                                                                                she was a real peach

didnt make them many like her

how many times did the coin -- a silver dollar his grandfather gave him when he was a boyalways carried it with him made him feel close to the old man he died when he was eight he remembered him as the maniac who couldnt believe his younger brother and sister were riding bikes Santa brought them and he wasnt carried his bike in one arm him in the other parked his ass on the seat and ran him headlong at a huge catalpa on the parkway swervin round itlookin back he saw him in crazy pursuit he pedaled away like a madman leaving him in his dust -- how many times did the coin fail and send him to church  Like hed let a coin decidewhad it know

he didnt know its denomination certainly Christian likely fundamentalist demonation fund mental a cold day in Hellnot that he believed in it  Dantes Inferno cured him of that nonsense Nine circles of Hellhis favorite number was nine fat chance there was a Hell

he tipped Sandy generously

                              leaving to go home for kickoff if he had a hat he would have doffed ithe didnt instead he flipped it off and its gaggle

 

1443,  Thursday,  10  2. 22

0912,  Twosday,  26  7. 22

Norah Jones  The Nearness of You  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsczuCzyUs4

ditto Sinatra  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8AEjDbnJvw

Ya look like a dildo

                     Take it as a compliment

he frowned as it worked its way through his skull not necessarily a perilous journey  actually ought to be pretty licketysplit very little resistance

                                     A dildo? 

Yah dildo

I don’t know how to take that, let alone take it as a compliment . .

. . Useful 

           Im not saying it literally thad fuck with him literally always had him at battle with himself over figuratively he saw the pawns move forward 

                           Listen to me he wasnt  for some reason he had to play chessmaybe he thought it snazzier rather than play checkerpieces on the gameboard WOUDYA LISTEN TO ME  Ill explain once again Literally is exact concrete in its meaning Figuratively provides ya room for interpretation exaggeration

he sighed took a big breath 

                              So yare listening   Yes.   I saidIm paraphrasing myself  I prefer not but I am understand paraphrasing to me is like being roughly yanked back through time thasaid figuratively ya remind me of a dildo being used when needed though not for sexual pleasure

I’m not following.

  Please

           Canya recall our conversation preceding dildo

No.

Thawoud help

                Yawanna try

No.

Donwanna work tha hard

You got it.

Your buddy

My buddy. words blanched of any recognition

Your buddy She takes you out when she needs you Lemme sayat least  she takes you out to pleasure herselfhe started to smile he stomped on it Not sexually  Ring any bells he was getting hinted out

No.

Really thawas stupid to say

I’m lost . .

. . Because you cant remember where we left our conversation not ten minutes ago  Yasaid you were gonna to work on tha

I said I needed to work on that.

You can remember tha

That I need to yes.

Yare killin me

                Yare her buddy shes said so   But you don know tha yet 

Oh. 

      Your dildo analogy is lost on me.

Aint gonnabe the last thing lost on ya

1516,  Thursday,  10  2. 22

1033,  Monday,  25  7. 22

Dispatch  Two Coins  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ub2F_KMO-WY

the Former addressed the Turning Point Student Action Summit in Tampa this weekend

                                                                                             “A friend of mine once said – once upon a time who whos this friend – that I was the most persecuted person in the history of our country. I never thought of it that way. I never had time. I was always fighting these people that were trying to persecute me.” CRICKETS “I didn’t have time to think about getting persecuted because I was fighting persecution. Certainly, there’s been no politician or president treated like I’ve been treated.” 

                                                        CRICKETS 

don do the crime if ya cant do the time

he hadnt heard the Formers voice for months 

his speech remains inanely the same

                                        persecuted four times in six sentences

hambone deserved CRICKETS

1934,  Monday,  25  7. 22

Formers persecution  https://sports.yahoo.com/trump-met-silence-gop-audience-041933914.html

she was a cyborg

it wasnt sitting well with her shed hiss Frankenstein

he was trying to console her 

they were living together before the accident almost killed her

the room was palelemon coloured

he was confident there was another name for it and she knew it

he painted it while she was remediatedremade recovered in the hospital the rehabilitation clinic

it had been a point of contention

she adored yellow its nuances

                                 There’s more than one hundred yellows, did you know that? she could tell the difference between them she could tell the differences between any colours

he couldnt

she had taped the yellow paint card to the wall hellbent on it happening

then he wasnt

now he was hellbent on pleasing her

he counted the days

she didnt even notice

                       I hate being this!why didn’t you leave me alone?

he smiledhe knew she loved his smileloved he usually smiled during the most inappropriate times usually preceding a bout of disarming black humour

No. Don’t don’t you dare.

his smile grew larger whabig teeth you have Gramma better to eat you with 

                                                                                   Secretly their inside joke Did you want ice cream for dessert   No. Though secretly I do. they concluded itexclamation pointed it with swiftknowing winks secretly Ive always wanted a Six Million Dollar Woman all to myself  You had to do until you came along

stuffing her laughdropping her eyes I’m veryvery different than I was. big tearsnot pity tears

Look around woudya Im different too

she raised her eyes

                     Ohmy nearlyhysterical laughter big tears  like showering

he took her in his arms

                         Thank you for perseveringfor willingwilling from the very depths of your soul to accept to accept fight an come back

he gently wiped tears from her eye with the back of his little finger

I can’t feel that.

Tell yawha well find every place on your body thaya can

                                                             An I suspectknowing you theyll be like different huesshades of yellow an every other damn colour

she grabbed his hand by the wrist with both hands

it hurt

she didnt know her own strength

hed say later

he was grateful she was homethey were together pain be damned

theyd learn

You fought me, desperately, on painting yellow.

Desperate a touch hyperbol . .

. . You excel at it.

I can though methinks desperate is your turn Yes I fought you anIm sure we aint don fightin Theres much we have to learn 

Do you still love me?

Love you I love youyour new bits an pieces too

I don’t recognise me.

I do Im grateful yare home 

                             AnI have plentyenough gratitude for us  One foot in fron . .

. . Of the other.

Thas my girl

I am your girl.

Yare my girl  Thank you.

she smiledsuddenly beautifully

You got a joke

No. it didnt break her smile  I got two birthdays.

Look at you ya do 

                   Anwell tear em up when they fall  I love ya buckwheat I love every inch of youinside an out from the tips of your toes to the radiant ends of the hair on your head   

AMish, before 6,  Monday,  25  7. 22

1225,  Monday

Dispatch  Questioned Apocalypse  Live  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyhrsuSDMmg&list=PLSKE0Qj9jabzO2j464kw6c_KfpBVHQ8_V&index=7 

Studio  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SI5IkTjoDo

Elyse1 finally occurred to himhe thought so 

                                              all he had do was plant the seed spit on it give it a little time don pinedon stress  itd come to him 

                          Step right up little lady  Thanks for coming

Elyse smiled  sat pretty brighteyedbushytailed blinked her huge green eyes expectantly

My question  Baggage people carry    Is it linear or exponential

others at the table wondered when he thought it began accummuleating Yes two Ms and an E 

                                                                                                            Comon Stop  Yare not ignorant it comes onto us no escape  Id insist like our scribbled tabula rasa early on  We aint becoming adults without toting a sack of possiblychildhood definitelyteen spirit

Elyse1 you are a classically trained doctor psychiatrist   Off the cuff whaya think 

What do you think?

                     ohbrother the usual pingpong match  wha one thinks is more importantmore valuable than what the doctor thinks but he wasnt asking her as a consulting physician  he was asking her as another albeitmoreversed individual

   Really   Wha do I think

Yes. 

he could detect a slight scent of starch or disinfectant

                                                          I believe exponentially

Interesting.

which says nothing interesting is ambivalent

Yare not going to say

I have to give it some thought.

Fair enough ya do that

                       didnt matter  he was over the moon    he recalled Elyse1 weeks later

  

1607,  Thursday,  10  2. 22

1450,  Sunday,  24  7. 22

Nirvana  Smells Like Teen Spirit  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTWKbfoikeg