Ritual quiet solemnity  Sssh.

he had only thought it

could she hear him think  Sssh. Please.

it was uncomfortablejust attending a wake is uncomfortable one would prefer doing something elseanything else

 

a closed coffin

he didnt get having a wake if the coffin was going to be closed

had he known he would only have attended the funereal

mourning

           ceremonial grief

isnt it enough that someone you loved or knew well has died griefs grief why ritualise it why show death off poorly   a closed coffin 

he never heard of a wake or funereal crasher 

                                                    hed heard of thieves reading obituaries to know when it might be best to break into the deceaseds house  opportunity doesnt always knock  it can break in too

 

A freakin closed cof . . 

. . Sssh. Please.  I asked you earlier, please.

he clear his throat 

                    Ya kiddin me

she tried to set him quiet with her eyes 

No no  Youll have to speak to me I cant read your thoughtsyour mind  Im unlike you

Please, keep your voice down.

This is the first Ive spoke I dont take kindly to being ssshed  who does

Could you show some respect?

Show me a body and Ill respect it all to hellwha the hell is this he died in his sleep he kept himself in shape a freakin nasty genetic disorder kills him anfor that we cant see himcant say goodbye to his face Wha rap it out in Morse Code on the lid

I can’t believe you’re carrying on like this. Keep your voice down.

It is down

Softer.

BECAUSE ILL WAKE THE DEAD Sssh  HE AINT ASLEEP AINT WAKING

My God, you’re embarrassing.

My buddy died I drove sixteen hours have a motel room for three days got Dressedup an I cant see his face one last time

You saw his face one last time when you last saw him alive.

Thats crap

Oh.  My.  God. 

                  she shook her head hopelessly which is different than one shaking their head with hope

Really OhmyGawd  You a Valley Girl

 

she walked away

she lived in town

she was a longtime friend of theirs

they stayed in townwhere they grew up

somebody would have had to shoot him in the head to keep him there

but hed be damn sure his coffin was open 

                                             AND PEOPLE COULD TALK anmebbe  raise the dead

Twosday afternoon,  15  12. 20

1532,  Twosday,  22  12. 20   

Zappa  featuring Moon Zappa  Valley Girl  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qb21lsCQ3EM

 

Flynn talks about declaring martial law in the swing states  Wisconsin  Michigan  Pennsylvania  Georgia  dont gulp 

so the Military as Flynn well knows stepped to the forefront and wrote unequivocally that they will not participate in such machinations 

could be crazy hobbling along mischief reigns states decide   anthen the only states under martial law are Red states because theyd want to flex their muscles 

flaunt their hypermasculinity 

                                Look at me Dear Leader! 

pretty picturehuh 

    

                        but it wont happen no matter how many times he clicks the heels of his ruby slippers together

 

he was excitedhe liked to say anxious but he was excited for the time when hed stop turn around and face whoever called him a socialist to casually reply Ya talkin to me cultist

socialists have their feet planted firmly on the ground

cultists swoon and drift dreamily on a sociopaths vulgar breath

make no mistake

                   the president has not been doing the countrys work since the election hes bunkered if he was better educated between rages he might recall that things didnt go so hot for a previous embattled bunkered world leader 

2311 or 1111,  Monday,  21 12. 20

https://www.npr.org/2020/10/11/922827554/gen-mark-milley-says-the-military-plays-no-role-in-elections

 

         he stumbled 

                                              he might suppose he was rocked

if there were people to point fingers itd be tough to deny

however there was only he an he thought  carefully 

                                                     anhe thought stumbled doesnt make rocked an not rocked he was going to have himself another three fingers an lollygag in a hot bath of Epsomsalts and lavender oil 

his daughter recommended it 

no one held a candle to his daughter 

                                    hed dare them 

                                                  anif daring meant a fight hed fight he didnt mind having skin in the game but fights these days somehow became fights to the deathkicking a man when he was downkicking him with steeltoed bootsstomping his head against the pavement  people feared if they let the other off lightly with just a beating that theyd come around again stab em in the back when they werent looking      

people today were a fearful bunch

that wasnt him

if he knocked a man down hed wait to see if he wanted to get up and resume the fight 

if not 

      hed turn his back and walk away  that dispute squared 

he could smell cowardice

it smelled like something rotting

maybe people hadnt smelled something dead in a while 

                                                          an shame the fuck on them

they ought to inhale a nose full

but theyre above thatbeyond that

 

or maybe their shit didnt stink

 

                                     how very Fortunate

  

2254,  Sunday,  20  12. 20

1553,  Monday,  21  12. 20

 

Dylans Lay Lady Lay played somewhere in his head somewhere behindbeyond a canaryyellow dog and its cinnamoncoloured head

it sat facing him on its haunches if it had a tail it didnt appear to either its left or right

it didnt seem a big dog  or a small dog

it wasnt aggressive  or curious

he wondered if it wasnt a statue

 

                                      then light builtup inside his dream and the dog  overexposed began to fade before it was utterly washed out it shivered and suddenlysat erect alert  maybe to a whistle or call he couldnt here and it leapt left disappearing out of the static frame he watched from 

                                                          he tried to follow it with his eyes but they slammed into the hard edge  it was his dream he should have been able to see itfollow it around the corner 

                                                                                          but apparently he wasnt letting it happen

he wanted to make a fuss but a dull buzz made him hold his tongue

he crossed others without a wit or thought of challenging them 

but there was something uncomfortable of crossing himself particularly when he was aware he was a spectator  he had no command

despite the dreamer was he 

usually he was lax

he did what he wanted

if things lookedappeared to careen badly he could chose to take the ride or turn either right or left

rarely did he put the brakes to himself

and because it was so rare he abided 

which chaffed him

he didnt like to abide or obey

he didnt like blinkers or restraints 

Christ this sucked 

                     and in the dogs place an overexposed couple a man and woman appeareddropped in like a slide  

he didnt know who they were

he couldnt see

they walked towards him hand in hand

but they steps never brought them any closer  

he wasnt stepping

like they were walking on a trendmill a hamster or rat wheel a rotor drum that whispered behind him and that he could scarcely see riding up behind them

a perpetual walk

they were talking

he couldnt hear them

he watched for what felt like an halfhour sudden flashes asif he blinkeda brilliant sharpfocus  then it was overwhelmed and swept under by fuzzy buzzingbee miasma and static

the dream  inert

 

fuck abiding 

               he woke

whats good for the goose is good for the gander

early Twosday morning,  15  12. 20

1620,  Sunday,  20  12. 20

You hold a very special place in my heart. 

he didnt doubt it 

it was truly wonderful to be reminded however 

                                                  she too held a place in his heart  his wife knewhis girlfriend knows  he told them that the only women outside his family he ever said I love you to were them

he didnt use love as some guys didthinking it the keythe access to womans body so they could satisfy their lustmake no mistake it was lust  it was manipulation 

                                             Yacant masturbate 

I don’t masturbate. I don’t touch myself. You some kind of freak?

Evidently Id pleasure myself before Id lie to a wo . . 

. . Lie? Tell ‘em you love them to get in their pants ain’t lying.

Hows that  in your mind

I’m making love to them.

That isnt making love

It is. 

Lemme ask  If they reject your advancethey say No

You know they don’t mean it. 

Whadaya mean when you say No

That’s different.

Anif a women resists your  charms   yathink they like it rough

Don’t know if they like it rough, but the struggle, the back and forth, convincing them, makes it more interesting, more fun, cuz you know in their heart that if they say No they’re saying it more so to, you know, protect, keep their honor, saying No doesn't necessarily mean No, it means they aren’t easy. A woman doesn’t want to be known as easy or loose. 

Ill bet yare easy

Excuse me?

If a woman comes on to you  I’m on it  An yadon touch yourself   ever You said she wanted it! I think you do but you think its unmanly to say soto admit it  I don’t. he grimaced at him like a dog pulling at its chain if the chain snaps does the dog come on he sized him up let him come

Man, the way you look at things is all screwed up; bet you don’t get laid enou . .

. . You do You get laid You make love enough I masturbate because I cant get enough of the woman I love

I tucker her out

What’s to tucker out?

Yare a lovely guy yaknow that

frankly he didnt know why he bothered to engage him  he turned his back on him and walked away 

 

a special place in ones heart becomes apparent

                                                   sooner or later

2ish,  Reggae Friday,  18  12. 20

1229,  Sunday,  20  12. 20

 

he texted :  :  Hey, babe! Im engrossed in Netflix’s The Professor and the Madman -- Mel Gibson Sean Penn – the creation of The Oxford English Dictionary   

 :  :  Ooooh – that sounds completely up your alley!

 :  :  Ohshit  up and around and down and shotthrough my alley – a very beautiful story, though I am unsurprised . . words are paint, they are razors, bats, they are gentle caresses . .. they are our tongues, our fingers, our nerves

 :  :  Beautifully said, Dad…

 :  :  I am moved, it seems I’m easily moved these days, sensitive, walking on glass . . . however, I am aware of every step, love

 :  :  How are you? I love you and miss you…

 :  :  Goodness, I love you and miss you so very much

 :  :  Walking on glass – did you have that sensation before?

 :  :  I’ve been walking on glass since Aniela died . ..  this is my grief; I am aware of its steps . . .  I remember my steps when Mom died

 :  :  Oh – I see – that makes sense.

 :  :  I am sorry for your pain, though I think how very fortunate we are to have shared in Aniela’s life, and will celebrate it until we can no longer – we will tell her stories and keep her alive; not that her fire can ever be wetted, quelled . . . .  I am eternally grateful for Aniela and for you – without sounding prickish, I must say Mom and I knocked it out of the park when you two were born

 :  :  Again – beautifully said.

 :  :  Let’s just admit we’re beautiful, eh?

 :  :  I’m so very thankful that you guys gave her to me as my sister. She was quite the teacher.

 :  :  I believe Aniela too would thank Mom and I for gracing her with you, her “little” sisterHA

 :  :  Agreed.

 :  :  We could be accused of being Vain – emailing you an appropriate song, love

 :  :  Haha – Carly Simon?

 :  :  Hahaha  you know it!

 

2222,  Reggae Friday,  18  12. 20

Carly Simon  You’re so Vain  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cleCtBP0o5Y

he buried a wee bird in his backyard today under a sun penetrating the grey mist of a lying sky

                                                                                                    thered be no rain

it was California

he found the little beast on his front porch last year

it had been batted aboutfeathers scatteredbirdshit smeared by two ferals who cornered it between the front wall of his house and a bushel basket 

                              the bushel basket he laid a blanket in for the comfort of one of the cats seven years ago

much can be made of wild instincts

Yes words came and stuck in his earsWalk away  This is hopeless  This is Natural    Walk away

he didnt heed his advisecouldnt help himselfhe interceded  he scooped the bird up

                                                                                       it collapsed in his hands without fret

it was small a nestling perhaps fallen out what struck him was how large its feet were

 

he carried it inside the house and placed it in a shoebox and set it atop of his refrigerator uncovered  he set inside it a small shallow pan filled with water then went back outside and walked the perimeter of his yard beneath the trees surrounding his house looking for a nest or for anxious birdsdistraught parents or a hen

it was fruitless

returning to the house he found three of his indoor cats prowling around an upholstered chair just inside and left of the front door

           he draped a Mexican blanket over it because it was a threadbare seventy years old a mustardcoloured swiveledrocking chair he held his girls in when they were babes

                                                                     he didnt let memories escape easily

beneath the chair he found the nestling

it leapt from on top the frig to the linoleum six feet below and either found its way beneath the chair or found it haven to escape his cats

the later he assumed 

                     there was a smattering of birdshit and feathers as evidence

it collapsed again in the hold of his hands as he scooped it up

he went outside directly 

                           handcuffed      responsible  

the nestling shook uncontrollably

he could relate

at least he had a jackknife to defend himself 

he slashed at hands and arms

had they come nearer he would have stabbed

they back away

they said theyd remember himremember his face 

                                                  asif hed forget theirs 

the nestling trembling the whole time suddenlyspasmed rolled fitfully onto its backarched threefour times 

                                                                                                                 and died

 

died

he wept at its hopelessness

wept 

        that it didnt have a knife to defend itself

2330,  Thursday,  17  12. 20

1123,  Saturday,  19  12. 20

 

                     regret

                                            turns out he was a stickler a tyrant on the subject

he didnt want to hear namby-pamby reasons for regret

regret wasnt regret unless it had been a pivotal moment  a fracturing

as he explained to a friend 

                              I was drunk I decided to drive I caused an accident I killed a person in the other car 

Pivotal   Seminal  Enough

he made it personal 

                     If your wife-to-be didnt like that you wanted a prenup had she been honest you wouldnt be divorcing her now 

                 Thats a regret   I dont believe there are degrees of regret as you suggest 

You had to use me, my situation, as an example?

Lived examples are powerful when arguing a point You apparently agree

Man, you’re harsh, you’re . . brutal.

The truth usually is if youre honest 

                                     Whats the point of being dishonest Youre just lying to yourself an thats an abominable lie If you can lie to yourself you can lie to anyone Thats my point

Regret is pivotal and seminal not a matter of degrees

I just think there ought to be some leeway.

An I dont I believe some people clutter their lives with phony regrets plague themselves when it was a mistake  not blownup into a maudlin regret a fit of selfpity  Pity its not a pretty word a fourletter word I pity no one I have examined my life for the past three days and I cannot say – in honesty – that I regret one fucking thing

Then  he grimaced like he had a mouth full of shit  you might want to consider yourself fortunate.

Fortunateyes that Im not into selfflagellation

JesusChrist! you can be a real prick.

 

Thank you A real stiff prickunrelenting

2212,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  12. 20

 

pot calls the kettle black 

                          House minority leader Rep Kevin McCarthy believes Congressman Swalwell has “long been disqualified” from serving on the House Intel committee because he is a “national security liability

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=abdicated&rlz=1C1ILPI_enUS778US778&oq=abdicated+&aqs=chrome..69i57j69i59i450l7.369j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

this is ripe coming from a man who eagerly stepped up and signed an amicus brief with 125 other House members to overthrown democracy  the right and the will of the people of Georgia Michigan Pennsylvania and Wisconsin 

      “a seditious abuse of judicial process” 

                                                 Mr McCarthy has abdicated his righthis Constitutional oath and therefore has nothing legitimate or worthwhile to say regarding Mr Swalwell

1555,  Reggae Friday,  18  12. 20

https://www.mercurynews.com/2020/12/12/list-the-126-congress-members-19-states-and-2-imaginary-states-that-backed-texas-suit-over-trump-defeat/   https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/white-house/trump-meet-state-attorneys-general-after-joining-supreme-court-election-n1250678

 

Christmas lists went way off the charts after his wife his love died

he had two daughters

his wife was a . . a stabilizing force . he knew it  she knew it better than he she was always cautioning him to stay off the wall stay the course others set

                                      whats the fun in that

fuckem if they cant take a joke

he was amazed how many people couldnt 

                                           or at least the people in his wifes circle

vividly he remembers his wife excusing herself to use the Ladies Room and telling him Please, please . . stay off the wall.

he did try for a nanosecond 

                          when he turned back to the other four couples he had to watch his wife walk away he loved watching her come but she was every bit as attractive when she left somehow they devolved into a conversation about lesbiansparticularly lesbians who performed in porn and how perversedisgusting they were

                                                                                              their husbands heads nodded

he interrupted Excuse me  Perverse   Disgusting 

the wives turned their eyes turned on him  YES. they chorused

Sorry girls hardly Girl on girl action is hot

You’re unfortunate! one of them said  Our husbands agree with us.

he looked into each mans face one at a time 

                                                then he said to the women as he leaned into their circle Huddle up ladies

they leaned in with him BONUS low cut dresses Youll excuse me Theres a difference between me and your husbands

Yes. snarled the one You’re a pig.

No Your husbands are liars

                            they popped upright like four teenage erectionsgrabbed their husbands arms and hustled off en masse just as his wife  came   walking    back     up

What did you do?

Spoke the truth

About what?

About girl on girl actionIts hot

You brought that up after I told you to stay off the wall?

After you left I turned around and was right in it Wasnt my subject matter

she glared

he shrugged nonchalant

                        Theyre hot

she laugheddidnt cover her mouth

                                    If the performance is well produced.

I wasnt talking raunchy

No. You are particul . .

. . Discerning

Discerning. she smiled he loved her dimples Yes. You are.

they didnt have many friends

 

his girls prior to their mothers death had always prepared elaborate Santa lists they presented them the day after Thanksgiving he often said when Black Fridays commenced that his girls were the actual harbingers of it 

                                                                                        her death took the wind out of their sails

the lists arrived later and later 

they were no longer on scrolls

then he had to begin asking them what theyd like

finally one year 

                 without direction

he asked several of his bisexual and lesbian friends their recommendations for top-drawer dildos and vibrators 

on Christmas morning after opening their stockings and going through them sipping spiked egg nog he handed them at the same time one of what were two of his Christmas gifts

Dad! they asked in concert Why is my present vibrating?

I suppose theyre excited to be in your hands 

                                               rustle  rustle   rustlerustle DAD!

now they list pressure cookers cutlery and socks

 

2319,  Twosday,  15  12. 20

2056,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  12. 20

Gene Autry  Here Comes Santa Claus  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysxlUmLOttQ

“ . . herd mentality . . .”  thats what the president said as he stumbled along  herd immunity  antiscience  antidemocratic  antichrist should someones lean towards Christ 

                                                                             https://www.msnbc.com/the-reidout/watch/-we-want-them-infected-trump-hhs-appointee-pushed-for-herd-immunity-97879622000

                                                                                           1950,  Wednesday,  16  12. 20

Don Lemon  Herd Immunity  https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/lemon-trump-angry-about-losing-job-he-isnt-even-doing/vi-BB1bZzYS?ocid=mailsignout

he wasnt one who spoke for others

he spoke for himself and if people were riled by his words he insisted they correct him if they could 

                                                                                                         he dug in on stories and if fivesix sources from around the world agreed to the truth of the matter 

                                                                                it was the truth

if someone could provide him evidence from a varied sources to dispute his research  hed listen

FACT   Russian dictator  yeshe liked to call himself president  Vladimir Putin referred to O’Biden as President-elect  https://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2020-55318269  before Moscow Mitch McConnell

2155,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  12. 20 

 

for whom the bell tolls 

                        https://www.episcopalnewsservice.org/2020/12/15/national-cathedral-tolls-bell-300-times-as-united-states-passes-300000-covid-19-deaths/

                 . . heartbreaking

1256,  Wednesday,  16 12. 20

John Donne 

              No man is an Iland, intire of itselfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.   

 

he wanted to say Aint he a peach 

                                   which would have been appropriate if North Carolina state Senator Bob Steinburg REPUBLICANwhat else  had been from Georgia  he liked to think Georgia wouldnt have had Bob 

Bobby Aint he a sweet potato 

                               hes urged Drumpf to suspend civil liberties invoke the Insurrection Act to deploy military on U S soil and  Yup  and and to declare a National Emergency to keep power

how is Bobby a representative of American democracy

to be fair to Sweet Potato 

                          Virginia state Senator Amanda Chase alsoREPUBLICAN called on the president to declare martial law echoing a suggestion by felon Michael Flynn

with friends or cohorts like these who needs enemies 

                                                     a veritable Christmas stocking filled with crazy

1212,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  12. 20

https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/530420-republican-nc-state-senator-trump-should-invoke-the-insurrection-act 

https://www.pilotonline.com/government/elections/vp-nw-chase-martial-law-20201216-fun5nwdxq5ab3gxhkhyndxkn3q-story.html

 

https://www.thenation.com/article/politics/trump-coup-election/ 

                                                                      "This election witnessed new and (D)estructive attempts by the GOP to win . . .”

specifically  Overtly  hed highlight the 17 State Attorneys General – following the lead of Texas’ embattled and morally-corrupt AG Ken Paxton – and 126 House Republicans who also have revealed that their oath to the Constitution a was sham  they have no credibility  enjoy no merit  possibly lack humanity  

these zealots who reveal fascistic tendencies might think it is in their ability to revive the 3/5th Compromise overturned by the Fourteenth Amendment and make the votes of Black people people of Colour  worth 3/5ths a white persons 

Aw whadahell! Why not shoot the works!  rescind a womans right vote too

1608, Twosday,  15  12. 20