he was in turmoil it wasnt chaos thank gawd 
                                                simple turmoil
he burned the cookies

so TURMOIL
                  Sorry kids were not having dessert tonight

Well have dinner but there wont be milk and cookies or coffee and cookies tonightwell segue right into The Bachelor after dinner your favorite show   why  still eludes me

they looked disappointed
                           they might wanna pull up their big girl pantiesthey were old enough to bake cookies and burn them too

Well shit no cookies with his coffee

but maybe a brandy
                        or maybe a Drambuie apricot schnapps an Amaretto hmm already sounding better than cookies

turmoil
       wha turmoil

anybody worth their salt digs themselves out from under the rubble

had it been chaoshad dinner guests arrived anticipating dessert which they seem to  which seem expected

he wasnt that kind of guest
a meal Thank you
he was happy

had he invited guests CHAOS well man he could duck out the back door he could let them knock go around to the windows and peer in incredulously when he didnt answer It doesn’t appear he’s home. Did you have the right date? did you call to confirm?

Why would I call to confirm? Did you think to call? why is it for me to call? the natives were getting restless  they were hungry

I suppose I could have, but I didn’t; maybe we had the wrong night. It would be unlike him not to call to cancel.

Well, he has been . . different . since the accident at our place
.
                                                                    they were pleasantly drunk he was the party character who enactedwho refused to refrain from exaggerating the drama he revealed acting all the parts out in a ridiculous pratfall he went over their sofa backwards and banged the back of his head on the concrete-topped sofa table – Industrial Art – that wasnt there two weeks earlier -- they werent introduced – which they thought he would really dig  dig the angle-iron legs bolted into the slab of sanded and buffed greenconcrete

No he wasnt a fan
                         he remained glibso very witty Christ I missed the dead fish rolled up in a newspaper when I came in 

he bled profusely

he needed stitches

kindly he didnt bleed on their sofahis scalp was still in shock
                                                                  but if they ever pissed him off he could sink them together chained to it                                                                      

There was a sofa table, we understand.

A sofa table wha sofa table

An industrial concrete-topped one.

No  That kind of table wouldnt work into their décor Look around They liked things to complement each other The table youre describing officer wouldnt fit in itd be too eclectic

the cop didnt know what that meantbut he mumbled Yes and he nodded to emphasise his agreement  But. umm . . maybe that was the point.

I take your point

Okay he unfurled his wings to fly maybe the point of the sofa table was to be eclec . . 
. . Do you know wha eclectic means I mean wouldnt a person prefer to be known as eclectic rather than something they owned  being eclectic

I suppose.

Eclectic Drawn from broad and diverse range of sources 

Okay.

In regards to the table you referenced  Im unfamiliar . . though it would break from their ifyawoud decorating tradition  their apparent sense and tastes 

You don’t remember it?

I dont know of it  anby your description it was something I wouldnt have liked  it would have stuck out like a sore thumb  An I would have said as much without them asking me 
Therefore I would remember it

leaving the house his exit was as unexpected and seriocomedic as his livingroom pratfall that he performed for his friends away from their other guests
                                       he went out the back door with a plastic bag of ice bound to the back of his head with towel he promised to call when he was leaving the hospital 

he could have walked it

he drove

his head throbbed

it was a discreet exit

they left left thoroughly confused

chaos averted

he escaped
            back to back now  first an exit now an escape   

Semantics a voice inside his head challenged him You fled

OhChrist  I left

Suddenly

Precipitously

Suddenly

Excuse me when it looks like its going to rain to you yawanna bring an umbrella  Precipitously See  Im playing off precipitation

I followed  Suddenly

Youre full of sh . . 
. . Everyones  full of shit

2053,  Wednesday,  5  2. 20
1324,  Sunday,  26  7. 20

coffee & beer & women were similar to him

hed be enjoying them excuse himself to use the restroom 

and when he returned  they were gone

1204,  Twosday,  4  2. 20

1102,  Sunday,  26  7. 20

Bill Withers  Ain’t No Sunshine  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5PeyzXvvdmw

                            touch

gently holding ones hand

                            stroking ones forearm with the backs of your fingers or kneading massaging their hands wrists forearms biceps across the back of their shoulders their necks

touching

          marvelously comforting possibly healing  if one is deliberate  focused

it is cathartic   

it is sensual

              from the substantialthe corporeal

                                                  unto something unimaginably persistently ephemeral the touch persists on and on an on after it has ceased

                                       phantom kneading

the human touch can be virtuous

                                    a warm hearty familiarity an embracing compassion

suddenlyhe laughedalmost maniacal

                                        it occurred to him that this kind of touchthis comfort was utterly similar on par with the touch his red Bic pen afforded him

                                              and laughinghe thoughtferociously  he could probably find comfort in the muscular coils of a snake

1119 & 1157, Twosday,  4  2. 20

1644 or 444,  Saturday,  25  7. 20

Miles Davis  He Loved Him Madly  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Fc_-VZlkcM 

Did you sleep well last night?

he inhaled No I slept like shit

I’m sorry.

Im sorry youre sorry  particularly when you shouldnt be sorryunless  unless    you had something to do with disturbing my sleep  which you did not

Please  no unwarranted sorrys  please

I feel badly that you didn’t have a good night.

Then say that Not sorry

And you

Thank you. I slept well.

Dream

I did, it’s vague now, I don’t remember dreams like you do.

Can you recall anything

Yes. Goldfish in a pond were replaced by glass fish, and the glass fish were lighted from below and were prismatic; but they didn’t move.

Did you remove the goldfish or place the glass ones

Not me, I watched.

Was it one person or several people

I watched, rather saw, the goldfish were there, then they weren’t, then there were glass fish, and then the pond was lighted and the fish sparkled.

Did you live by the pond or did you walk to visit the pond

I don’t know. I know I didn’t like the glass fish; I liked their submerged sparkling light.

Did you dream?

I dreamt words I dreamed In the beginning there was the word . . if you knew the word . . then it wasnt the true word . . the true word is unknowable . . if someone professes they know  they are false

I know I know theyll repeattheyll say like children who prefer to dismiss an adult who is taking their time to offer them an explanation

                 to which the adult ought to relent and say Fine, tell me what you know.

But they dont know And theyre embarrassed  Theyve embarrassed themselves

I dreamt the words up to they are false the rest was an elaboration a pet peeve

Ah. Do you feel you have to embarrass children?

They embarrass themselves If they dont like how it feels they can stop with the I know

They’re chil . . 

. . And when would you sayhow old  when would you correct them by allowing them their embarrassment

I . . I would think when they’re old enough to discern . that they really don’t know.

I disagree If theyre old enough to say I know I know theyre old enough to be embarrassed

They no

They know?

They N – O  No

                 Ill concede Okay  You no  An then they can leave me alone satisfied in their mistaken understanding of noing

1134,  Twosday,  4  2. 20 

1318,  Saturday,  25  7. 20 

ahshit  here he comes

hes got that look on his puss

hes walking by remote-controlcompletely oblivious of whats around himhe knows whats going on around him by his external antennae like a blind man using a cane

hes present enough though to pause at streetcorners look  proceed when safe

                                                                                       here he comes

How are ya

he didnt acknowledge his greeting he cleared his throat Question. Where are you when you’re beyond modesty, beyond ego, beyond everything outside the small . . space . yes, space, not place . . . beyond everything outside the small space of your singular consciousness?

Id have to think about that

Yes. I should think so.

                        Good day.

he walked off  his antennae twitching again as he went

0919,  Twosday,  4  2. 20

1143,  Saturday,  25  7. 20

put down the book put down the pen put down the cup of coffee

                                                                   watching all the while

dont do anything long nothing deep or involved shallow

                                                           shallow  keep things shallow

the riffsthe tongues of surf stir sand tumble debris tickle palepurple quiet urchinspines turn tiny bivalveshells butterflied and halved

            which tempt him makes him think of the times they held hands and rushed the waves then dove in headlong together

he taught her to hold her breath

                                  blew in her face when she was a baby so she caught her breath and submerged her went under with her so she could see he was there he was with her  holding her

he remembered

remembering would have to keep him for now

they were enclosed

they could see out through the French doors through the glass

on the other side of the glass is too far away

sometimes five feet is too far away when the hat drops ANTHEYREOFF!

                                                                         without a moments notice  theres no rhyme definite reason I can’t breathe. 

                                 three syllables  Imagine with scarcely a breath in your lungs I can’t breathe

you exhale cant inhale never more helpless in your life except since the last time

her eyes bulged

she cant panic

we revive herget her air

                         she breathes again on her own

we fear the terrible momentthe terrible reality the moment she wont

                                                                          and well be there

I can’t breathe.

she cant tell us  we have to watch

she cant speak

                she hasnt in more than six months

we miss her voice and laughter desperately

0808,  Twosday,  4  2. 20

1208, Friday,  24  7. 20

he decided he was going to live dangerously todaystep outside his laissez-faire common habits he was feeling habitchuated and when he felt that he broke with tradition

it made him feel better

                      just thinking about it made him feel bettertook weight off his back

walking into the livingroom saying out loud So I decided Im gonna live dangerously today

                                                                                              he interrupted his youngest daughter who was talking to her sister who glanced quickly up at him then back to her 

I interrupted Excuse me please

Sounds urgent though, Dadu which immediately sent her teeheeing  Dadu his new appellation since his eldest mistyped Dad but decided she liked it and kept it

                                                     his eldest smiled wildly with her eyes above her ventilator mask

Ha Ha  Maybe not urgent he said Just something I decided and wanted to share with you so youd know

Praytell.

I will Ive decided to live dangerously 

And, how will you accomplish that?

Ive decided when I take a leak . . Im not gonna wash my handsWhy should I

Hygiene.

Excuse me I know exactly where my cocks been

Ohbrutha . . 

. . Dont cop my lines

                      it would have been a chorus of laughter from his girls had his eldest not been wearing a mask however her eyes again held their own as she joined her sister

Good  Made them laughthey need laughter  so somber   he laughed with them

0926, Twosday,  4  2. 20

1319,  Reggae Friday,  24  7. 20

Manohmanh he was a scribbling like a mad man trying to keep up with his fleetfooted thoughts vagabonds vagrants that fled because they didnt want to be caught and held forced into a line-up stepforward turnright turnright turnright faceforward stepback illuminated sized-up identified  suspect 

                                                                  then shuffled off and appearing in other criminal line-ups sashay with other vagrants in tight quarters denied modesty – why did they deserve creature comforts – they were suspicious probably wrongdoers errant possibly incorrigible

                                                                they refused to toe-the-line

ofcourse they did 

                   they were his his thoughts his mealymouth thanks-for-nothing neerdowells however  he liked that they came and went on their own accord

he wasnt a dog ownerhe wouldnt have one

he wasnt a master

he didnt seek dominance over an animal
Its a pet for cryinoutloud

                          pet – denoting a thing that one devotes special attention to or feels particularly strongly about 
pet – verb – to stroke

pet or stroke affectionately

                               but maybe – just maybe – some folks need to dominateneed to make some thing less than themselves  some thing to beat

some thing they deem worthless

some thing on par with garbage

garbage – worthless meaningless        

                                     once having served its purpose he supposed is some thing now attributed meaninglessness not even grateful for without gratitude 

                                                             and from that equation those who bestow garbage to some thing are ungrateful and perhaps were not worthy of receiving what they disposed of  dispossessed  threw away

possibly 

           garbage begets garbage

then obviously

                 ungrateful begets ungrateful

animation or animate is not greater than inanimate or inanimation It only thinks it is

by the bye

             he scribbled like a madman to also favour the modest paper he wrote on that was unclad naked  and embarrassed

                he laid the cloth of INK on it and it was grateful

1047,  Sunday,  02  02. 2020

1252,  Thursday,  23  7. 20

Aww comon he growled Nin Ive been readin ya for years

his hands tingled 

he wanted to slap her silly

Nin Nin This aspect wha a fuckin ninny

she wrote in Incest

                     I tremble because I wonder when my mind will fail, prove inadequate. Yet, like Louise, I have the feeling that I can be made to understand everything – that at (Dr. Otto) Rank’s age I may be able to write a book (Art and Artist) like Rank’s – but I am a woman, I know, and woman’s mind is imperfect – or – I could say that it is insufficient. I should not be so ambitious and want Rank, Henry (Miller), and (Rene) Allendy to do the big tasks. I will do my woman’s task and will learn enough, understand enough, so that Henry can talk to me.

JesusChrist why would you write that the book Incest was a small portion of her unexpurgated diaries for the years 1932 through 1934 Why would you think an write such utterly absurd nonsense

he had read twothree of her books before he delved into her letters and diaries and he found her admission ludicrous – that a woman would excuse herself because she was imperfectHOGWASH – and thereby suggest all women are

Stub your toe on this Anais

                             Men Women Were imperfect Imperfect Deficient Because you were born female shouldnt have stigmatised you asif you were at fault a criminal a sin

the women he had in his life had backbones otherwise he wouldnt pay women heed ounce for ounce pound for pound women are more intelligent more creative more capable than men

the only thing men had on women was their deranged history a queer artifice manoeuvre of superiority based on the fact that they were male and could physically beat females into submission and many world religions manifestly ascribed men superior

                      men should lord over women

                                                       Lordie Lawdy Lordy what a bent malevolent premise

Men sperm banks are filled to overflowing

                                           women need men like they need a hole in the head

and more men than he could shake a stick at desperately needed and wanted a womans hole

Shame on you Anais In that momenthe hoped it was passing you underevaluated yourself suborned yourself to mens assured guile and unsubstantiated preponderance

Shame shame shame

he would have given his eye teeth to have met her for the woman she was rather than the woman she might have thought she was

1026,  Sunday,  02  02. 2020

1137,  Thursday,  23  7. 20

               cellar door

                          reared up yet againflashed in his eyes inside his head came up on him when he woke to turn onto his hiphis sidedrawing up his knees to sleep some more

Phonaesthetics whispered Aren’t you grateful I brought Euphony? I could have brought brother Cacophony instead.

Yes graful he mumbled yes Graful  Thankya  

one of his big toms hopped up onto the foot of the bed interrupting them 

he wasnt keen of Phonaesthetics early in the morning  

he mumblednearly asleep a hypnagogic riff Indie if you please lay behind my bent knees

the please and knees harhared and climbed up on cellar doors back as his mind unspooled trying to tiptoesneak out of consciousness

indie laid behind his knees as he wished

                                           likely it was indie he was older more practised  before the other cats arrived he would go to bed with him and sleep with his head on his chest tucked in his armpit and early morning when he rolled onto his side indie sought the crook of his knees

before exiting

              one last museone more mutter Cellophane floor YAHcellophane floor  Rhymes donit Onpar wit cellar door

he sighed deeply Auditory beauty and escaped

    

0720,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  22  7. 20

$146K -- killed

hes talented the president can place two slurs within a conjunction of each other

hes had to withdraw his Conventions keynote speech in Jacksonville Florida because of coronavirus – some people think he ought to go

“They said (they are his team – unidentified enablers) ‘Sir, (he thought for sure Drumpf misspoke SIRE!), we can make this work very easily.’ . . . I said there’s nothing more important our country than keeping our people safe, whether it’s from the China Virus or the radical left mob.”

                                                https://www.npr.org/2020/07/23/894874198/president-trump-cancels-jacksonville-portion-of-republican-national-convention?utm_source=npr_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=20200723&utm_term=4695965&utm_campaign=breaking-news&utm_id=28916831&orgid=55 

                                         the reality is novel coronavirus (which is really inconvenient—he must assume his “our people” arent dying – Why can’t it just disappear already.) and protesters who have the freedom of speech and the right to assemble

Dummy

1633,  Thursday,  23  7. 20

the presidents new ploy

                          while speaking at new coronavirus briefings without physicians (80,000 Americans have died in-between) he steadfastly digs in on his teleprompters and briefly showed the mask he wears as he encourages everyone to wear one  quickly he tucks it back in his pocket 

as he watched that goofy performance it occurred to him it really wasnt too different or dissimilar than the president flashing someone the condom he carries in his wallet but will never use

1810,  Thursday,  23  7. 20

Whacha got?

             he was always at him doublechecking questioning Whadaya got? Ya got five minutes. Gimme something inside five minutes.

Did I ever tell ya about the doctor who left her practise because of me

Wha?

Yah she left her practise Id known her four yearsif knowing is the right term She performed my physicals  She was an internist I didnt see her otherwise but once Id like to have seen her otherwise but she was married 

And?

The third years physical labs returned with a high Bilirubin count It frightened her I did the furthur testing she insisted saw a specialist  The urologist determined that I was a patient who came down outside the normal scale of things Nothing to worry about 

But she was worried?

Yes she was So I made another appointment to see her She was over the moon I was okay I told her Id see her next year for my physical She hugged me hard with emotion I hugged her back I thanked her againsincerely for her care

And?

And

And?

What

Whahappened?

Ya wanted inside fiveya got it

1406,  Twosday,  22  7. 20

it peeved him every time

but there was nothing to do about it

they were only coffee cups and mugshis wife bought them for himhis daughters bought them for him Wha does Dadu need? for his birthday Easter a gift Christmas A new coffee mug. or they went to a consignment shop or an antique mall purchased him something dated like him

his eldest daughter got a little better at it as an adult she really tried I had too, Dadu, I just couldn’t pass it up; I knew you’d appreciate it despite it being wrong for you.

he didnt think either his wife or his youngest gave it any thought beyond the thought of gifting him

he said Thank you one doesnt look a gift horse in the mouth

they were righthanded 

better than ninety percent of the world is righthanded

                                                      the tyranny of the majority

he could bellyache   

but it would be for naught

Com’on man, it’s only a coffee cup.

                                     a coffee cup or mug whose decoration faces away from him while he enjoys it

because hes drinking with his left hand

hes ambidextrous

he could he could drink with his right

                                         or maybe a potterymaker or manufacturer could make a cup or mug for a lefthanded person

Comon man Its only a fucking coffee cup

                                                 peeeeved

1042,  Monday,  20  7. 20

1308,  Twosday,  21  7. 20