one is rarelyhe was rarely afforded such a welcoming introduction

walking into the bank on its tiled foyerthe black mat to scuff the bottom of his shoes if they were wet or dirty he saw beneath the tall fourlegged writing desk in the carpeted lobby a young woman on her knees 

                                                                                                her round bottom facing him her skirt pulled tight across it  a tantalising hint of thighs

he strode directly over to her and also dropped to his knees beside her Good afternoon Can I help you

she tilted her head to look at him her glasses had slipped down on her nose they made her huge hazel eyes huger loosened hair hung in curly tendrils on her face

                                                  he was ahead of her she would say I believe that’s my line.

she smiled her teeth broad and white against her complexion Afternoon, she probably recognised him as a customer he always did his banking in person I think that’s my line.he liked her immediately chica round fanny  sense of humour curly black hair blackrimmed glasses Possibly had you been facing me when I entered You were engaged  Can I help

the smile grew widergrew more humoured I lost a contact len. I was helping a customer with some paperwork and it jumped out of my eye.

Im your man Im really good at this Im very handy helping damsels in distress

Perfect. I’m in distress, I can’t speak to the damsel part.

Young  Unmarried

Then I s’pose I can, I am a damsel in distress.

An Im here to remedy you

laughter peeled out of her throat gayly uninhibited she didnt cover her mouth though to be fair she was on all fourshe liked her on all fours  she was memorable on all fours

Im on it

Lotsa luck, I’ve been lookingwhat time is it?

I dont have a watch

I’ll guess nearly ten minutes, and I got get back to work.

Youre working he eyeballed the carpetdeeper pile than most commercial ventures Youre helping me help you

Right.

Finders fee

A finder’s fee? they were both eyeballing the carpetfingering it Kind of mercenary, aren’t you?

Dont follow damsel but ya know mercenary

Well, my Momma says men are mercenary; they expect something in return. Are you expecting something in return? they fingered the deep pile carpet

I dont expect but something is awfully nice even if its Thank you Im easy to pleaseridiculously easy to please

he found it inside five minutes  Told ya Im good at this

Thank you.

he did get her name Ysabel. A Y not an I.

My names Joe she noddedshe was still wearing her glasses he felt like she could see through him which was awright he wasnt hiding his admiration Its been a pleasure meeting you Ysabel Were now properly introduced though mighty hard to beat our original introduction

Our original introduction?

he had nothing to lose it was a blatant compliment Yes youre attractive on all fours facing away  I just had to see your nameplate but youre not wearing one

You noticed.

I noticed

I get in trouble for not wearing mine. I think it’s a subtle business reason so men can look at my breasts.

I think you got something there

Thank you. By my figuring if someone wants to know my name they can ask me; like you did.

Maybe I wouldnt have asked if you were wearing a nametag

I’m not sure I believe that.

I dont know But Ive enjoyed meeting youtalking with you But I suppose youre not paid to talk to mesuppose I ought go now that weve concluded my business

during their brief intercourse he learned she was born April 6 Aries Yes she said And you would know that why? I was born on the 9th Pregnant with possibilities Excuse me? You born on 6 and me on 9 Yes. Yah  Born 6 and 9 is pregnant with possibilities? Not for conversation here Ysabel Maybe some other timesome other place You sound prophetic. I hope so I truly hope so

the Bears were playing the Packers on a Thursday Night

he had to go out if he was going to see the game he didnt have TV

he was within walking distance of the business district which proved to be boon he could walk home if his buzz exceeded the states .08 fuckinkiddinme Four drinks in an hour Unlikely that was ever gonna happen

                                                                                                          still cops are always a snaky bunchselfserving they cruised the main drag through town looking for an opportunity to sit on someone he didnt take kindly to being sat on by anyone so walking  he negated Opportunity

game time was 1715 hours Happy hour in full throat people out of workdone for the day he tried to arrive 1730 that way hed get two pints at Happy hour prices and imbibe waternibble pretzels between them  usually a third pint at the end of the third quarter 

                         he was running late

hed get in just under the end of Happy hour for a pint

walking up to the door he cast a look at the car at the curb where a woman was leaning at the passenger window halfbent  talking to people inside the car

Hold your horses cowboy

That ass looked familiar

she stood up stepped back waved as the car pulled away

Ysabel

he took a couple steps towards her Ysabel

she turned Joe she smiled huge she was wearing her glasses

he motioned against his face eyeglasses You tryin to throw guys off the scent wearing your glasses

Momma says men aren’t keen on women who wear glasses; but no, end of the days I like to slip out of my contact lens. I’m not a fan.

Why bother then

Maybe because men aren’t keen on women who wear glasses.

Horseshit You look fantastic in glasses Your eyes become enormous

Men don’t usually look you in the eyes.

They aint men

What?

You heard me You out with friends

Maybe.

Maybe youll stay out awhile longer with a friend

Are we friends?

Were acquaintances But friendships got to start somewhere

They do.

You like football You like beer

Im not too familiar with football, so I can’t say. I like an occasion beer.

Howbout this Bears and Packers Im a freak for the Bears When youre born in Chicago they inoculate you at birth a rite of passage so to speak boy or girl so youre a Bears fan for life I can infect you  So be careful if you think to say yes

I will guarantee you however I will guarantee you a good evening even if you dont think watching football with a Chicago man can inspire you

Are you daring me?

Would that work a playful dare

Are you being playful?

he smiledquickly she smiled back

Im a good playmate

I’m tempted.

she thoroughly enjoyed the game despite not understanding it 

she called him Crazy! more times than shed ever called anyone Crazy

he told her he walked into town if shed like they could walk back to his place and he could give her a lift home or if shed rather hed call her a cab an Uber or whatever the fuck else it was there was

You don’t sound like a fan.

Theyre off my radarNonexistent Im pretty selfsufficient

How’s that working out for you?

Not shabbynot shabby Though there are some things Id rather not be selfsufficient at

that beautiful wide white smile Yes?  Do tell.

Do walk

Yes. But do tell.

he told Ysabel

at his place she excused herself to use the bathroom

coming out she said  I like your shower curtain.

Thank you

Sperm whales.

Yes

It threw me, although you did say you’re playful; and the painting about the toilet?

My brother painted it and I stole it when I left Chicago

It’s . . ?

Thats for whoever views it to decide

It’s . . erotic.

I think so

Would you share with me what it looks like to you?

I would

And?

The way I grew up if someone asks you what you thought  they were compelled to say what it is they thought first

Really?

Yes

     If I were to ask you if you thought your ass was attractive I would say first  your ass is roundis exciting I would say your ass was attractive You

Do your remarks have anything to do with your brother’s painting?

Not necessarily Though possibly

Okay.

You going to reply to the painting  or to your ass

Can I think?

Yes And if youll excuse me while youre thinking Im gonna use the bathroom

And look at the painting?

Ive memorised it Had to have it  Why I stole it

I’ll think.

Ill be back

when he came out of the bathroom he went right up the hall to the livingroom  

Ysabel

she didnt answer

he entered the kitchen

she wasnt there

he went out onto the front porch Ysabel

he walked around the corner of the wraparound porch

she wasnt there either

he reentered the house Ysabel BAMhe was struck at the end of the hall beneath the fulllength mirror was clothing

it wasnt his clothing

Ysabel

he walked down the hall  his bedroom was to the right

Ysabel

she was on all fours facing away from him reenacting their first introduction It’s erotic, Joe; leave it at that?

You dont have to say another word I can see what you think

And your ass Is your ass attractive he began undressing

You’re a tease.

Talk to me

Yes, I think my ass is attract . .

                                 Ysabel didnt finish saying anif she did he didnt hear he had his hands at her asspulling her apart like a peach and was lapping

earlier & 1151 & 1504,  Monday,  29  6. 20

I no know what you say No hear you

that tickled him every time he read it

it didnt tickle him that her hearing was slowly becoming problematic

her eye-gaze machine saved phrases she wrote shorthand and usuallyhe recognised it in himself both his daughters their mother too their obsession or to be kind their predilection  they sought to correct errors in spelling and punctuation  grammar

when they texted if they made an error the error was immediately rectified in the following text

it was humourous to be so anal 

the four of them thought so

yet they prevailed

so to read no know or no hear you was grace  purely an inside joke

when his daughter died her husband  because suddenly her death took away everything her husband and he and his daughter were doing caring for her 24/7 three months in that huge empty gulf her husband brought up on the eye-gaze how many times she used phrases she saved

What phrase, he asked him and his daughter, do you think she used the most?

No-brainer his daughter and he must have thoughtthey said it at the same time I love you

Yeah. I would have thought so too. Aniela said Thank you, four more times than I love you.

1009,  Sunday,  28  6. 20

four months yesterday

he liked visiting the apartment complex Gary lived in particularly at night the swimming pool lighting was left on until 10 PM when the pools were locked downClosed a pretty good fuckin indication that the pools were closedLights out!

he liked arriving after dark because of the coolblue light painted the courtyardsthe walls of the units bled softly up into the atmosphere

              on the pool patios or sitting on benches in the manicured courtyards were good places to blow a joint despite Gary crawling up his ass telling him he gets caught the police would want to know who he was visiting

That’s a fucking leap! Why would I have to be visiting anyone? The fence's at six feet, keeps the small kids out, the drownable ones, easily jumped by me and teenagers who wanna skinny dip or fuck in the pool.

Wha?

Yah. I’ve swam with them; and I might have had sex with an underage teenager after we blew a joint. If she was underage she didn’t fuck like she was underage – I’d use that as a defense against a paedophile charge – She fucked like a pro! Why aren’t you charging her with prostitution—really make the county, the system some doughHuh?

Jesus, Joe. You come around, you don’t go down to the pools, not if you’re stopping by me.

Fuckin uptight, Gary, man, fuckin uptight; maybe you ought to come down to the pools with me, blow a joint, get blown.

I’m telllin’ya, man, kids today are way ahead of the curve. Mommie, Daddy’s off to work, kids turn on the cable, throw on porn, they’re curious like we were, except our access was tamped – they’re products of their generation – can’t blame them. Me. I’d finger their parents and society.

Really need smut on cable?

Gary. I’m outside for a cigarette.

Don’t go down by the pools.

Yah, I’m taking a walk. Hate to fuckin’ stand outside yer place smoking a cigarette. Not cool. And smoking supposed to be cool, dig?

Yeah. I’ll dig you a six foot hole somewhere down the line.

You didn’t see Woody Allen’s Sleeper?

I did.  he deadpanned

Hey, you can lie to me. We ain’t sleeping together.

Go on. Have your cigarette . . you’re just having a cigarette, right?

Wanna blow a joint?

No. I was thinking we’d catch a flick, I’ll make popcorn while you’re gone. Then we can sip some drinks, a flick, popcorn.

I like the way you think.

I wish you thought.

Easy, Gary, I got lotsa bees buzzing in my skull.

Insects. Not thoughts.

That was an analogy.

Keep your anal to yourself . . have your cigarette, Joe, we’ll give it a go when you get back. I was thinking Gozu, Japanese crime horror.

We should get high.

On me.

Gozu, popcorn, drinks, high on you?

What are friends for? Scored some hashish. I gotta smoke that with somebody, not alone, difference between grass and hash.

Deal! I’ll be back.

walking past one of the lighted blue pool Joe thought he caught motionmovement in it real stealthy  agile   brown

maybe a chica  slender   jet black hair

impossible to be Japanese

though that would be a treat

he entered through the gate the while looking for a shadow or movement  he saw neither

maybe he just wasnt seeing what lies beneath the surface sowha if it was a pool whanot a transmission an image hiding its real self

                   the bees were busy maybe anticipating the hash he was getting ahead of himself

it was only water

he jumped in

               and underwater freed of gravity a liquid sky he did rolls and somersaults and twists flying had to feel like thisthough lighter and able to draw a breath

                                                    and underwater he transformed into an otter

                                                                                                     and as suddenly he was aware of another otter in the pool a female he thought but then he wondered if it was a different otter or if he hadnt split in twocloned that he was also the second otter but feminine

they played they complimented each other

in their headlong rushes at each other they veered at the last possible moment to avoid collisions  he recognised that the second couldnt be him he was erratic awkward she wasnt  she was sublime

she wasnt him

              then at a sudden he wasnt in the pool

he was not an otter

                    though the imagery of the playfulnessfeeling of elation stayed with him

he wandered back to Garys place

middle of the night he left

Gozu was a mindbender 

the hash enhanced it but it didnt need any help

Gary told him to use the spare bedroom Chill.

Nah, man, wanna sleep in my own bed tonight. Thanks though.

You’re your own man. Ya cool to drive?

Three hours of bullshit after the Gozu, I’m fine, a little edge, but little.

You’re sure.

Yah. I’m sure.

Be cool, brother.

You too, Gary. Thanks.

Joe went out to the pool again

no uplights

no coolblue water dark  reflecting the fourfive lamps above it

the water trembled for no apparent reason

the filter and machinery beside the pool were still just an electrical whisper  filtration on a timer

standing above the water he saw dark shadows moving in it under the surface  shadows which seemed to enlarge the pool making it deeper maybe hiding among reefs that looked like submerged waves starkly aeratedsolidified frothy and curling

he caught three large fish

he squatted in the grass beside the concrete apron gutted and skinned the fish  

he cut them into steaks

                         and walked back up to Garys place

he filled the Weber with fresh charcoal and began a fire 

the rising sun stole the beauty away from the high flames  then the smouldering coals

he rapped on Garys door

when Gary answered Joe asked Barbecued fish for breakfast?

Gary said Sure. Why the fuck not? I got some fresh fruit we can have with it.

they wrapped the extra steaks in paper and put them in the freezer

Joe didnt say he caught the fish in the pool

Gary didnt ask

Joe asked him if he wasnt curious about the fishabout breakfast fish

Man, I don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

0837,  Friday,  20  3. 20

1622,  Sunday,  28  6. 20

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFxksNcLfcA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPiVCpa-U7E

Being a child is like nothing. It’s only being. Later, when we think about it, we make it into youth.

                                                                                                      China Miéville

if you arent reading what hes writing shame on you

When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

                       King James 1 Corinthians 13:11 OH FUCK NO if youre reading the Bible put it down and read Mieville

as a child he disagreed  had Mievile been writing he would have disagreed with him too determinedly he disagreed with Corinthians Paul was writing the city of Corinth was Saint Paul a pamphleteer

he had a place in his heart for pamphleteers  he thought the 85 published in New Yorks newspapers by Saints John Jay James Madison and James Alexanders were wonderful if youre reading The Federalists Papers finish them  then read Mieville

OH FUCK NO
               as a child he disagreed for he knew that childish things ought to be the arbiter

he thought the trouble in the real world was that difference in those men 

this century the trouble was escalating because the men who truly put away childish things and were bereft because they were joyless became cocksuckers sociopaths psychopaths who played power games and the men who didnt bought computers to power their fantasy games on huge plasma screens

he believed the penultimate idea was to have feet in both arenas and retain ones youth  black holes of detachment and possession yawned to either side of the shared spectrum which would exert their particular gravity or temptation  sickly event horizons shimmer

an alert manchild remembers and tries hard not to forget their youth and should be able to navigate the roiling midstream

he is equally wet as he is dry

what is wet and dry is their connotation

he leaned towards childhood
                               probably because his memory was long and vivid and his mother his mother a historian of sorts  was the best person to either deny or confirm his quandary 

when last he asked her if he was remembering or fantasising she cut him to the quick  

                                                                                          I’m old now. I can’t remember as well. You’re closer to it. If you remember it as a memory, given your spooky, as your father says, given your spooky memory, I’d agree with you before I’d trust my own.

Aw cut it ou . .
. . You cut it out! Do you remember me ever correcting you, saying, No, that’s not a memory?

I cant say that I do but I still call you and Dad to tell me

Stop then. What you've remembered as memory has been; why you remember them is beyond your father and I.

But, please, my memory’s shot. I’m lucky if I can remember what I had for lunch an hour ago.

Joe; my son, as your father would say, you’re on your own.     

1612,  Twosday,  17  3. 20

1558,  Saturday,  27  6. 20

he couldnt say for sureTHAT drove him nuts

                                               he had it he had it had it had it had it   lost it went right out of his head

GO TO JAIL! 

DO NOT PASS GO.

DO NOT COLLECT $200. 

                           he didnt even get a chance to flip an orange Chance or yellow Community Card

GO!  GONE!

            what a bitch thought sure-as-shit itd stay tangledwrapped up in the clutter cobwebs and detritus in his skull

a fucking cat burglar

he didnt even know where to dust for prints

two days he ran any tape he could think of that might jostle the words free two words a vowel difference amiably opposed or so he seemed to recall

                                    should have written them down

rather he got caught up in roiling hypnagogic bit plays

who needed acid

who needed to get stoned

every morning he woke nuts YA FUCKIN KIDDIN ME

at the end of two days he ran the white flag up the flagpole Dont shoot Dont shoot  I surrendered 

                                                                                                            Now tell me

He wasnt saying an the other he wasnt saying or him or them or they or those monster dill pickle eaters

everyone kept their traps shut tight 

he was surprised they didnt pass out mouthbreathers all  they were just like him  three times broken virtually eradicated his ability to breathe through his nose

the best he could come up with was Want and Wont  Want and Wont tied up in a neat daisy chain chasing each other round and round his headbefore his eyes for the better part of the night until REPRIEVE

                                                                                            hed be remiss if he didnt admit to the daisy chain running counterclockwise for a bit a breathy voice Don’t say I never did anything for you. he didnt know who that was had to have been infiltrated he and his never used never Verboten Nein Nyet Non Ochi Bango  Ochi Greek Bango Japanese hed been told No by all flavours of women which only made all the flavours of women who said Yes more sweet

counterclockwised

infiltrated

toss his ass in an iron maiden an walkaway

Want Wont maybe one day the words would present themselves

his REPRIEVE was delicious

the words were gone

the daisy chain ceased

in their stead was a trembling iceblue circular cake with four identical candles on it the candles were lit they seemed organic to the cake it didnt look like the candles penetrated the smooth fluid icing  as they burned they cast an orangeish dusk light which heightened the colouring of the decrepit stained cardboard box the cake sat on

the cake celebrated something or other but he had no idea  what he knew was was he was there on purpose to witness to celebrate  and he was going to get a slice or handful of cake despite he didnt like cake

                                                                                                          not his Wont

but definitely his Want

1003,  Thursday,  25  6. 20

1404,  Saturday,  27  6. 20

Richard Harris  MacArthur’s Park  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iplpKwxFH2I        

he needed more time

Then I have everyone else’s order?

the table of men nodded

she excused herself saying shed get the coffee water and juices

returned  dispersed: What will it be, cowboy?

he cast a surreptitious glance around the booth to see if any of the others caught what she said she saw himsaw the roughneck the hard man sitting before her  despite the suit and tie

I'm still thinking.

Should I wait?

Yes. he liked it when people had to wait for him 

the man looking out the window through the venetian blinds into the parking lot said  He likes the items you have pictured on your menu; he’s wondering if you might have a menu that pictures all your items, he leaned forward to glance the nametag on her breast  Jody. 

she snapped her gum which should have been answer enough for most but cowboy held his menu tightly earnestly

No. she said

the ferretfaced man on the aisle to her immediate right said He’d like to know if substitutions are allowed.

she didnt reach across the table to cowboys menu and point it out  she wanted to badly At the top of the menu you can read it’s an additional Twofifty.

the ferret said  He doesnt like to read

I suppose that’s why he’s surrounded himself with you, guys. then only turning her head  Cowboy. Make a decision?

The coffee’s fine. he handed his menu to the man to his right who reached across the two others beside him and handed the menu to her

Okay. I’ll put the orders in and doubleback to refresh the coffee.

she returned she refilled everyones mug and left

immediately cowboy asked  How’d she do that, give me and Mike our Decaf?

a stunned silence descended on the table

Mike answered  Sir. You and I are the only mugs that have coasters beneath them. That’s a tell, so she and other waitresses can refill our coffee without asking decaffeinated or regular. It’s more efficient, sir.

And if I hide my coaster?

Then, sir, you get what you ordered.

I’ve ordered Decaf.

Sir. Then leave your coaster where it is.

https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/jun/27/russia-offered-bounties-afghanistan-militants-killing-us-soldiers-report-outrage

cowboy didnt want anything off the menu

                                              he just drank his Decaf with powdered Cremora and Sweet ‘n Low

0808,  Saturday,  27  6. 20

https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/problem-trump-s-denial-russia-bounty-controversy-n1232378?cid=eml_mra_20200629