My whole life has been a succession of miserable and unsuccessful denials of feelings or reason (Lermontova A Hero of Our Time)

he could relate

                however hed drop the miserablethere was nothing miserable about trying and failing life was trying and failinglife  was few successes and appreciating them (hell  professional baseball players are paid millions of dollars and cant bat .300)not that he paid attention  anymore than hed pay attention to professional golf – hours and hours of televised sky – now  if the game were played in rain and lightning storms  tornado funnels leaping around like mischievous children . . he might watch

it was an interesting house  

                              My grandfather made it by hand. As he built it he lived in a sod hut beside it. Once it was erected, the fireplace threw smoke, he rode on a horsedrawn wagon to the city to fetch my grandmother and my two eldest uncles.

I like it a lot

Thank you. We don’t come out here much. Only the homestead remains. The family sold off the hundreds of acres by grandfather acquired.

They’re wealth.

They agreed to leave me the house, a bit more than an acre, and water rights, if I’d be willing to forego any proceeds from the sale of the farm.

This place means more to me than money can afford.

it was on a high cupboard shelf beside the large fireplace that he found a mouldy hardbound book Venus im Pelz (Venus in Furs) 

Your grandfather read German

My grandfather was a polyglot. I thought it strange, think it even now, that he came to Canada, Saskatchewan, to be a farmer.

Im familiar with the book in English

You are? What is it about?

Let me put it this way The author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch an Austrian wrote it in 1870 Sacher-Masoch  Ring any bells

Sacher-Masoch? No.

Awright howbout this Masoch

Masoch? Masoch. No. I can’t say that it does.

Awright Howbout this  The German psychiatrist von Krafft-Ebing who used Sacher-Masochs name as the root to a particularshall we say condition

No. I’m not following you at all.

Ill have you know that holding this book in my hands here  that I am very fond of your grandfather He did speak English

He was English.

All the more delectable Anyone in the family beside your grandfather read German

No.

And you have no idea what Im talking about

I don’t.

Well then  first let me say how fortunate and happy I am to have made your acquaintance and how very much I appreciate your invitation to stay the night at your grandfathers house though you might eventually find your way to calling it your houseyour home

Thank you; although I imagine I’ll always call it my grandfather’s house.

Which is understandable 

I am very grateful

And you’ll be more grateful, as will I, once I get a fire stoked, heat the place up a bit. Care for whiskey in the meantime?

That would be excellent And while you busy yourself at the fire Ill share this bit of information about your German edition of Venus in Furs 

Thank you he accepted a tumbler of whisky

To our health.

Yes To our health

they tapped glasses and he admired the moving colour of amber cast in them by the growing fire in the fireplace

Krafft-Ebing was a psychiatrist as I said

He was notable for naming cerebral neuroses Gotta love naming thingsmaking them your own Since  theyve been negated by the DSM the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders  the early Eighties I believe

His neuroseswhich I remain fond of  are paradoxia sexual excitement independent of I love this the physiological processes of the generative organs 

Wanna guess  he laughed

Anaesthesia not what you think rather the absence of sexual instinct

Hyperanaesthesia Satyriasis Increased desire The old mans got money so why not fuck him How long could he possibly last  Or even cum

Sorry I get carried away sometimes An havin a drink and fingerin a German edition of Venus im Pelz is overwhelming

I am beside myself

as the fire grew and threw its heat his host remained seated at the roughhewn table worn smooth by use and time  seated in a storebought chair nearest the flames a matching chair at the other end of the table he sat near the fire too on one of the handwrought benches on either length of the table

And paraesthesia Perversion of the sexual instinct

Krafft-Ebings book Psychopathia Sexualis was also one of the first books of sexual practise and studied homosexuality bisexuality necrophilia anilingus

He derived masochist or masoChrist as I like to call it from Sacher-Masochs name  particularly from your grandfathers book

Psychopathia Sexualis was published in 1886 Krafft-Ebing was recognised as an authority on sexual deviant behavior  If such a thing exists

he took the book from his hands

                                  Well. I suppose I learned . . something . . . about my grandfather today.

That he was a man I understand he was dead before you were born

Yes.

Well He was out in the open It wasnt like a tardy pamphlet hidden in his bottom drawer or a stack of Playboys secreted in the garage rafters is it

No. It’s not.

he had finished his whisky it kept his whistle wet Howbout another whisky to celebrate your grandfather a farmer a polyglot  likely an intellect

Youve probably recognised that all the books on the cupboards top shelf are in foreign languages 

Unless of course  youre like most people who never look up

1614,  Sunday,  5  5. 19

1323 or 123pm,  Monday,  6  5. 19

Velvet Underground  Venus in Furs  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwzaifhSw2c

The Barr Brothers  Deacon’s Son  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6U6bHrKV2M

he walked along the main drag 

the high school was to his right

to his left was City Hall and the junior high

he was told that as late as the early Eighties kids rode their horses to high school and released them in a pasture behind it

that pasture was now a parking lot filled with cars that students drove to school

affluence sickened him

he walked a paper route before high school every morning then walked two miles to school 

he had to walk through the faculty parking lot to get into the building

on the other side of the school was the student parking lot

the cars were cars Mommy and Daddy bought for their kids and paid for the gas and made oil change appointments for them or traded them in for new cars that the kids wanted instead

he really really  really had to stay his hand not to key them . . but in reality  not really really  really . . . because he didnt have keys

instead he tried to better them that wasnt right they werent better than him 

                                                                            rather he tried to best them on the athletic field or with his fists in a farmers field east of the high school a small undeveloped parcel of land that the farmer who the community took his land to build the high school on had lived and died and never accepted a dime of it while he was alive  but his kids and grandkids scooped in on it the moment after they buried him to claim the affluence he denied them

hed always hoped the farmer who kept a donkey on the property swinging its dick  would have gone to the bank cashed out and burned it in a bond fire as he sipped from the jug he saw him with time to time nipping from

                                                                                            the miserable tyranny of family

the old farmer just couldnt bring himself to cross his kids after his wife died

My wife loved them children to the marrow in their bones. 

But they couldn’t see their way to help me in the fields.

Lazy so-an-sos.

My only consolation is that they were madeup more of her blood than mine.

My wife was a whore I fell in love with.

She was predatory.

I couldn’t see past the nose on my face.

I suppose he wipe his chin with his sleeve of a dribble from the jug when we wed, she just became my whore.

I wasn’t a handsome man.

But I could afford her.

affluence isnt pretty

                             

                         it is just affluence

Hell

       Mommy and Daddy even afforded payment to a psychiatrist who vouched to the Court that there was a condition called affluenza and their child who suffered it wasnt responsible for killing four people in a car accident while he was drunk

1227,  Thursday,  9  5. 19

1503,  Thursday,  9  5. 19

affluenza  https://www.cnn.com/2014/02/05/us/texas-affluenza-teen/index.html

Party Lines?

Party lines?  

             The House Judiciary Committee voted yesterday along party lines? to hold AG (or FA  FAKERs Attorney) Barr in contempt  https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/barr-to-trump-invoke-executive-privileged-over-redacted-mueller-materials/2019/05/07/51c52600-713e-11e9-b5ca-3d72a9fa8ff1_story.html?utm_term=.6dc8857dd7fe&wpisrc=nl_daily202&wpmm=1

since when did anyone vote along party lines when the matter of upholding the vow they made to accept their office to The Constitution of the United States is the question

Americas Republican Party are cowards (or wannabe oligarchs) or maybe their intention is to attribute their fuckedupness to insanity or plead the 5^th

1141,  Thursday,  9  5. 19

Tom Petty  I Won’t Back Down  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5II-WnW9OJo

Magic Fingers everybody knew Magic Fingersdidnt they 

                                                            Magic Fingers always reminded him of the Jewish minx he met in Miami Sultana a dancer tiny he didnt think she broke five feet but OHthebody on her five feet 

OHthebody

she shared an apartment with the girlfriend of his new best friend who he met in college at the dorms Tony he was an Italian from Brooklyn 

Tonys parents were fullblooded Italians first American generation his parents were first American generation fullblooded Polish 

Fate

Tonys girlfriend Janice introduced him to Sultana when the three happened upon each other on campus

it was the first timethe only time he ran into Janice without Tony  she was much more relaxed  although her loosey-goosey manner may have been entranced by Sultanas lead 

Sultana was a goof being with her was being part of a musical that she performed to and to music only she heard she moved and danced sinuously it reminded him of operas where every word was sung

Sultana was vivacious and infectious

he wanted to be infected

a week or so later Tony said he was heading over to Janices for the evening Could I tag along he asked

Yawanna tag along? Mebbe whadif the evening turns hot?

I aint stupid I leave  I got legs

Alright.

Understand you met Sultana.

his smile beat his response 

Yaknow, she’s seeing someone.

Tony yashudknow alls fair in love an war She can tell me to take a hike but she cant take away that I got to lay eyes on her again Shes something . .

. . Yeah. When I met her, Janice introduced us, I was tempted too; really tempted . . . but I’m glad I didn’t, I don’t think I could keep up with her if I tried.

Id like to try Id like to try

You’re welcome to ride with me, although I don’t know if she’ll be at the apartment.

Well see

she wasnt

it wasnt a lost cause

he learned where Sultana and Janice lived 

they werent far from the ocean

he could walk by and if she wasnt around hed keep on walking to the beach for a swimsome sun 

not a lost cause

finally they met again fivesix weeks later

Tony had something for Janice but had to be elsewhere Im heading to the beach you can tell Janice Ill stop it by 

Thanks, roommate.

when he rapped on Janices door Sultana answered Hey, she said I understand you’ve stopped by a couplethree times to see if I was around.

I have was keeping my fingers crossed Youve stuck in my mind

I have to admit, you’ve stuck in my mind too.

Nice to be stickyisnt it

If you’re sticking, stuck, to the right people.

the Vagabond Motel was off Highway One Art Deco styling turquoise painted ironworks white stucco walls Air-Conditioning Magic Fingers  

                              Sultana dug the vibrations

they dialed it up to violent he could pin her to the bedtake her from behind and let Fingers fuck them he brought a roll of quarters with whenever they could steal a night

go missing

they discovered her delight when they fucked in her apartments laundryroom on a lark he tossed her up on top of a washing machine as its spin cycle beganYEOW  

that was a lot of years ago

shes remained the only Sultana he ever met

this morning he was asleep in bed and awakened by the tribethe three kittens his queen october had six weeks prior 

she got out for a night  

thats all it takes  

two days earlier the kittens had just began to break into runs  theyd slept with him only once before

this morning they chased each other up and down the bed crisscrossed it ran over him as he laid on his back

how three kittens decide who is the one pursuedwho chases who how roles are flopped inverted was beyond him  though it was epically fluid fleeingpursuing seamlessly tagteamed tagteaming   

                                                                                   Shiver me timbers he thought
Long John Silver proclaimed that in Treasure Island  how appropriate

then he thought of Sultana   

all the motionemotions were enough to get a guy to yank his dick

an who wouldve blamed him broiling in the spatter and splash of Sultanas memorymammary thighs an body

pussy was everywhere 

0451,  Monday,  6  5. 19

1131,  Twosday,  7  5. 19

Power Station  Some Like It Hot  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hw1t7OCESUw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViUxE1wAgu8  Dulcimer played  Miles Perkin

it played as he held the baby bird in his hand

when he got home from work last night wee his outdoor cat had it cowed against the wall beside the front door AwKahrist he muttered ya kiddin me

he scooped the bird up

brought it into the house

put it in a shoebox with torn paper towel bird seed water

in the morning he went outside  scratched for grubs insects

the baby bird refused them

he sat the bird in the box beside him

kept his curious indoor cats away

the bird fluttered

maybe the flutter meant it could fly he doubted it

he took it outside

the baby bird fluttered

he or she sang several times

he was encouraged

he came back inside

set the bird beside him again

played some music off youtube

suddenly the bird scratched moved violently

panted

spasmed

         NO  Nonono he picked it up quicklyheld it Im here Im here he whispered   here: pitiful

the baby bird spasmed twothree times

                                                                                                 exhaled its last breath

what did he think he could do?

1124,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  8  5. 19

now thats something he didnt see every day
                                               if he considered being conversantpointing it out to someone passing by  because he was prone to pointing things out  he knew others were disconnectednot mindfultheir heads mired in one thing or another  not present  not aware  comfortable in their surroundingswhich was a mistake  perfect victims  enabling their victimization 
                             had he considered being conversant he might have said Now thats something you dont see every day

as a matter of fact

hed never seen that before

he was walking through a parking lotup on cars parked before a short wall  whitepainted concrete blocks mortared threehigh capped rounded  troweled mud  he liked its unevenness 

walking up on the cars to pass between one or another to step over the retaining wall he was attracted by a dirty white Dodge Caliber

                rather he was attracted to the message fingered in the haze of dirt on its rear unibumper it formed to the car to increase its aerodynamics his 4Runners steel bumper would crush a car like this  good thing the plasticmoulded Caliber was equipped with airbags seatbelts ejector seats 

the fingerwriter had a sense of humour

the fingered advertisement made him wanna stick around and see ifn fact the ad was true

tempting

he looked around to see if any women were coming out of the grocerystore walking in the direction of the car

tempting

nah hed let his imagination run away with him

nice thing about imaginations 

they could run anywhere and imagine anything

still tempting

he loitered long enough

Oh well  he said out loud

he went between the Caliber and a red sawed off Jeep Renegade with the manufactured Xed-out taillights when he saw those in traffic they irritated him then over the white block wall 
                                                                    places to go things to see people to do

still
        he mused what she must have looked like

the fingered advertisement in the haze of dirt YUMMY PUSSY

1459,  Friday,  3  5. 19 

1253,  Saturday,  4  5. 19 

The Cars  Just What I Needed  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5-rdr0qhWk

it rocked him onto his heels

                           he hadnt expected to see himself watching himself  at evenings end his visage spying him from the black vertical band of the mirror at the end of the hall 

the light he turned on in the laundryroom for his queen and her three six-week old kittens crossed before itblinding it  quieting its silver  leaving it only a vague ethereal effort to reproduce what it could reflect 

                                                                                                phantasmical   unsure whether it ought to reflect anything or not 

confused glass

it reduced his corporeal being to a slim ghostly shimmer 

                                                         and he couldnt help but wonder if that wasnt what death did reducing him bit by bit like a lingering disease until he could barely be seen  a dull lit candle flame  susurrating  dim dimming  dimming   until he finally found his way out of where he had awkwardly stumbled into so many years ago    

0119,  Sunday,  5  5. 19

1511,  Sunday,  5  5. 19

Lhasa de Sela  El Payande  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8olkqS919OQ

he paid more attention to girls and women than to men  but he would naturally   men didnt interest him  

women  when he asked  he appreciated that the asking in itself was a predicate a leverage or suggestion  they admitted that they paid more attention to boys and men  however not to the exclusion of women

                                                                                                      as he excluded men

they noticed other women

he recorded talleymarks on the concave walls of his skull  crossed the four hashmarks with a diagonal line to make them five in the appropriate columns he fashioned to differentiate the sexes

his data was prejudicedleaned-heavily with results from women  as would be expected

men didnt interest him

as he walked up on the bridge he was anxious to cross it for on the far sidesince the winter rains had filled the creek beneath it  he noticed a turtle sunning itself on a broken concrete abutment which was probably once a footing of the bridge that preceded this artful arched steel one

in his hurry he was oblivious of the teenager who approached the bridge from the opposite side  and it wasnt until he stepped sharply to the railing that he realised he cut her off  made an impediment of himself 

Im sorry please excuse me  distracted he mumbled an apology he was already at the railing looking down over its edge to see if he could see the turtle  randomly crossing the bridge he walked everywhere he could he often saw the turtle

his distraction attracted her

she stopped at the railing beside him  Whatcha looking for?

A turtle

I don’t think there are any turtles in the creek.

No  Theres oneIve seen him several times  so whenever I cross the bridge I cross it on this side to see if I can see him or her again

he looked up  brieflylooked her in the face

she raised her head and looked at him

Hello he said

Hello she replied

A turtle?

Yes   There he pointed there  near the bank  on the broken slab of concrete just beyond the water

Oh goodness.  I see.

I didn’t think anything lived in the creek.

Its a nice affirmation isnt it

Hello  he called down into the creek bed at the turtle 

he turned to her again  I always say hello

she didnt skip a beat  Hello, turtle!

Have you named him or her?

No  Naming to me is a kind of possession  We cant possess a wild thing can we

she smiled  No. You’re right. We can’t possess, or should want to possess, a wild thing.

Agreed  We need more wild things in the world

That’s a funny thing to say, don’t you think?

No  Wild things are dying offbecoming extinct at an unrelenting pace  Just walking into town Im now returning home walking into town I found the remains of three squirrels that had been run over  

Terribly  I might add  Im not at all confident that the drivers who speed on that side street were troubled that they ran them down

Its only a squirrel

Which you don’t believe; it’s only a squirrel.

No I dont  It has every right to life as the clown who ran them over  

It hurts the heart

Yes.

Yes

the teenager was Hispanic Mexican light possibly mixed startling green eyes compacted curved long thick jetblack hair  wide-eyed

It was nice talking to you, seeing the turtle, that was really nice.

Nice talking to you

Goodbye.

Goodbye

he stayed a couple minutes longer watching the turtle sun itself

it never moved

stillness is a kind of camouflage

hidden in full sight

Awright pal  Hope to see you again 

walking away from the bridge he made another talleymark on his skull the teenager was yet another female he noticed and he noticed what he liked best about her was who was raising herwho taught her her confidence her head up not averting her eyes not fearful  to be inquisitive  who taught her her judgment of character her discernment  to meet a stranger on a bridge and look and see a turtle

hed bet the next time she crossed the bridge shed look for the turtlethe next time she walked along a road shed look for a hapless crushed squirrel

Yah  he said out loud  Im not a betting man but Id bet she will

 

1602,  Friday,  3  5. 19

1048,  Saturday,  4  5. 19

Barr Brothers  Beggar in the Morning  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JU4T9iqNTo

Make America Great Again

MAGA  reminded him of MAGgots or GAgging 

                                                 usually he was kinder or more respectful  but the last three years had turned him

when one calls another not by their name Drumpf  not by a childish nickname or calls them cunt and those who know him knows of who he speaks

                               he really despised spoiling perfectly good vulgar slang 

Make America Great Again? caused him wet dyspepsia  

                                                        there was however a singular insular descriptive 2hr 10mins he could point to Frank Capra captured them in 1939

Mr Smith Goes to Washington:  https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0031679/videoplayer/vi1789722905?ref_=nv_sr_1_v_1

1609,  Monday,  6  5. 19

the oath sworn by the men and women who serve America as senators or congresspersons is not political: I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign or domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter . .

                   they might remember that