Aw comon  my futures behind me

he hustled his demise alongfueling it with high-octane booze  quaffing

swilling

sucking

         choosing the particular verb pejorative to offend                                                                     

much of his offense was dependent upon his mood at the moment  against the misfit who noted discerned his alcoholism and felt it was their place to say something

he thanked them for their exceptional powers of observationtheir keen abilities to state the obvious 

then hed say they were fat or perhaps they ought to have that mole removed refresh their haircolour recinch their old facelift  pick their tits up 

he had been known to let a fish slipthough not frequently  only when as he explained it a warm spasm of compassion oozed in from wherever compassion leaked

damn if he knew                                       

he forgave more insects than human beings They ought to know better and keep their ugly pieholes shut 

whenever he forgave someone he felt tainted  unclean

hed finger his fathers revolver and wonder if that day wasnt the day when hed taste the hard oiled muzzle pressed to the roof of his mouth  slaver   and never hear the gunshot 

his father a soldier who fought in Korea attested to that silence 

his father told him when he was wounded by a machine gun during an attack it sounded burrr - - - rrp  one –  smashed his knee the other two flensed his thigh and turned it into a voluptuous flowerpetal of unfurled meat 

his old man had a way with words

crippled his father returned to the United States and worked as a desk jockey  a far cry the high freedom he enjoyed as a steelworker  

as a boy and a teenager he vowed hed nevernever be stuck like his old man

turned out his suicide was the only thing that made them different        

Man the tedium is overbearing  Nothing bigs gonna happen to me My big is when I die  I find it curiousthis wait an see to see how it will eventually play out 

I may or may not have a hand in it

If I do  thats my rightyah

My lifemy right

he knew him since they were boys since they met in Cub Scouts  

he followed him into bad fights outnumbered  but he followed him too into bad fightsthough fewer  they had one anothers back

               and having his back was also letting him have his way and own mind respecting him  respecting him despite the booze and the drugs  

he only hurt himself

the other hurtshis hurt was peripheral 

he married once 

it went bad inside of three years but hung on life support nearly twenty

they had love

their love didnt provide kids

it wasnt that kind of love

they believed their lovetheir bond that cobbled them together would holdit would eventually rear its head and correct what was wrong between them

but it was all wrong

when it didnt heal and they split he didnt inflict himself on another marriage

unlike his ex

her failures cemented in his mind that he wasnt the majority holder of their failed marriage

he said after his divorce that he was a born-again bachelor

it was funny

he was funny

and desperate

a drunk

         druggie

when the gun went off they didnt hear it 

he said if it did he wanted him to understand that it was a starting pistol  not a suicide

An theyre off!

 

                  

 

1919,  Monday,  14 5. 18

1029,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  16  5. 18

I need you

If we have nothing to talk about   why are we still talking

he could suppose any number of questions might have surfaced while he was on a long car ride without a working entertainment console radio or cassettethe technology when the car was brand spanking new she had fourhundredthousand miles on her now a rebuilt engine she had everything he wanted in a vehicle that was to say none of the horrendous technology she was never ever going to drive herself or be tracked by GPS

any number of questions did presentWells Fargo begging for forgiveness on billboards re-committing to their customers FUCK YOU try this hat on for size your partner cheats on you with every Tom Dick or Harry Sue Jane or Sally  an you  without a stick of dignity or selfworth stay in the relationship hed be Adios Mumuchachu  his partner did not care for his Spanish The word doesn’t exist. It does John One One  In the Beginning was the Word I made it up  Finish it. You can finnish it I slavicked it I wiped its alternate memory cleanerased the tabula rasa at least that miserable little corner  You don’t think I know it? I know you know it You were infected by your mother  Your father never would haveeven if you werent taken from him

                      

                                           You gonna finish it

I really don’t think I have to.

Aw comon we gotta have something to talk about

she sighed

You sound wearydo I weary . .

. . You exasperate me.

You dont like being exasperated by me anymore  

I don't know if exasperated cuts it. You’re unlike, as I've told you before, anyone I’ve ever known or I’m likely to know.

I think  again you underestimate yourselfchronically underestimate underrate yourselfyour possibilities

I should see me through your eyes?

You should though you never willWell always see ourselves as we see ourselves Your selfworth has been maliciously selfishly attacked since you were a little girl Mould a cigar it cant change its shape A human being can 

then he remembers why

                          when he thinks If we have nothing to talk about why are we still talking he remembers he irrevocably put the reins in her hands and avowed that he would support herhe would love her without conditions

Youre gonna finish out John for mecorrect

she smiled Yes. Of course I am. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.
Goddamn Nailed it

You’re . .
. . Irredeemable
that made her laugh open mouthed Irredeemable, yes. Irascible. Irritating. Passionate. Crazy. Invigorating. Encouraging. Right. Rightrightrightright. I need you. I just don’t want youI need you.

You love me

I do.

I love you

I suppose were stuck

We are. We’re stuck. I wouldn’t want to be stuck with anyone but you.

An that answers why If we have nothing to talk about  why are we still talking

early Thursday evening,  10  5. 18
1023,  Monday,  14  5. 18

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThTplavLL7w

a massacre of Palestinians by Israelis went hand-in-hand with the opening of the US Embassy in Jerusalem today  heathen blood sanctifying it and its hard not to love easily-spilt blood so unrelated to our Christian mainstay mainsail ur-masculine backbone 

Drumpfs handpicked Texas evangelist offered a prayer at its Opening  he cuddles with Christian Zionists whose prophesy needs a multitude of dead Jews in Jerusalem to salt their Armageddon

1715,  Monday,  14 5. 18

982 days remaining or less

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2018/05/14/610934534/18-palestinian-protesters-die-gaza-officials-say-as-u-s-opens-jerusalem-embassy?utm_source=npr_newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=20180514&utm_campaign=breakingnews&utm_term=nprnews

https://www.vox.com/2018/5/14/17352676/robert-jeffress-jerusalem-embassy-israel-prayer

https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/.premium-trump-faith-adviser-who-said-all-jews-go-to-hell-to-speak-at-embassy-1.6078561

https://www.city-journal.org/html/why-don%E2%80%99t-jews-christians-who-them-13068.html

it bothered him years agoraised hackles 

it bothers him now

it was yet another critical item sluffed off to American corporations for-profit which destabilise the country  the governmentits politiciansever more selfserving ever more corrupt handing over their Constitutional authority and responsibility to safeguard the countrys communal health and welfare       

then

     as they were first becoming prevalent or vogue when people glommed onto a particular water  acquiesced to its absurd advertising sheep then worse the attendantalways attendant their ohso human unfortunately spiraling attitudes unstatedof course demonstrated in their carriage the queer glint in their eye I am better than you a rising haughtiness asinine  which for him was like negotiating an infected sliver before he could remove it irritating  galling

No Really  I am better than you

                                 their betterment bestowed by a plastic bottle of water

then

     came the markets that attended to the necessity of individualised containers becauseof course no two were alike ahHORSESHIT  

Yeh  particular water stored in particular bottles hydroflasks manyif not all  branded

water 

segregation   

            couldnt sip it from a public water fountain he still did  he still drank tap water once upon a time it was racial crap insisted by Whitey now its the inordinate concern not only what someone might HAVE who sipped from the fountain before you but also that public water is suspect

Can you say FLINT MICHIGAN

Can you say Governor Rick Synder SAY his handpicked Emergency Managers usurped seized legal authority from locally elected officials City Counsels  violated  and in some cases poisoned them

that America continues to seek to privatise itself for the extreme monetary benefit of the very few makes him sick

Free Market could take it up the ass its about timethe American People have been taking it for the better part of his adult life

Isnt it about time

                     

it seems however that anyone who has a genuine notion to ride roughshod on them somehow later has a price

1907,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  9  5. 18

1023,  Thursday,  10  5. 18

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/23/us/anger-in-michigan-over-appointing-emergency-managers.html

Tea for the Tillerman  Cat Stevens  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8raDiB1DPQ

Jill  the blonde healthclub bombshell 60sJoeyHeathertonesque Bardotlips matureMonroecool admitted blithely somewhat embarrassed to his query that she did not sip tequila for Cinco de Mayo or nosh Mexican fare

Wha

I’m terrible, aren’t I?

you never let a fish off the hook  You are

You’re not going to give me any slack, are you?

she must not ever have fished No I gotcha Id like to hear why not After all it is a quintessential California celebration if not wholly an American one

Yes. You have a point.

Point and shoot baby    And

And . . . If I drink tequila I go crazy, like some people on whisky, not violent, just a little out of my head.

Sounds terribly appealing to me  a lost opportunity   opportunities

You’re sweet.

Mebbe

she laughed soft music flowing from her throat

You celebrated

I did.

And    Quit make me pulling teeth  I can be adept at it

I did! I did.  I um sipped X-Rated.  You know X-Rated?

I know X-Rated  Its pink

It is.

I work at a liquorstore  We keep it behind glass

Yes, why do you do that? It’s, what, twentyfive twentysix dollars. It’s not expensive.

Thats not the point

It isn’t?

No  The point is that youll have to ask to have the case opened to get to it We like exposing X-Raters Hang you out to dry For what you are

No.  

You’re teasing me.

Im teasing youyou brought up x-rated How is it youre not the tease

What?

Yes

If I was going to tease you . .

. . This is better than I could ever have hoped for  Imagine  It all began to step up my workmans comp  Suddenly Im up to my eyeballs in x-rated  with a beautiful woman   I should be so lucky

she blushed
The colour looks good on you  rosehue against your blondeness   an I rarely notice blondes

Thank you.

Thank you  Evidently talk of x-rated is good for the circulationIm definitely circulating

Ohmygoodness.

No  My goodness

Though Id share

Im not greedy

her wide eyes and expression made up nicely for her silence

could be the beginning of a beautiful thing

1055,  Monday,  7  5. 18

1012,  Twosday,  8  5. 18

makingabreak   now you see me

                                               awh now you dont

it wasnt me

nope

       it wasnt me   sssh  I hired a doppelganger

0014,  Reggae Friday,  11  5. 18

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NyC6mrutj0

he showered lathered slipped off his gym workout  TIME for work

TIME to put on his game face

he went out the front door confirmed the lamp beside it was lit its halo would light his way when he returned that night

he sat down inside his threehundredthousand mile 4Runnercaught his eyes in its rearview mirror  

scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz looked back at him Good

when he went out he played the part he played him to confirm Scarecrow was still alive and well in Oz his brain and reasoning always innate he just needed to be convinced and encouraged that his considerations mattered

regarding himself he had always known  Scarecrow won his rare compassion   

if that sounds nuts

that he shouldnt have been allowed to believe in the Scarecrow

he had his twocents for the matter
                                    if religious people could be believe in Heavenin Life After Death in the Hereafter then he could damn well believe that the Scarecrow was still singing and dancing thinking obtuse thoughts swinging his whiskdick in Ozthat Peter Pan was still darting madly about Neverland accompanied by Tinkthe Lost Boys No  not the vampires goading Jasper HookCaptain Hooks real name who doesnt want to be known by their real name who by remaining alive goads the crocodile(gator would have rhymed better)       

out as scarecrow he played his part  satirically 

within reach of three rural wine country towns satire played welltickled him pink

customers enjoyed his banter which wasnt as ambivalent as they may have thoughtif they thoughthe liked to think they thought So what’s with your t-shirt? he exaggeratedhe pulled his tshirt out of his pants acted as if he was trying to turn his head upside down to read the writingsee the artwork CURE IGNORANCE he read outloud  hands holding an opened book were beneath the words READ A BOOK he didnt say I donknow Whacha make of it 

nothing killed his interaction at the cash register with a customer quicker than asking them  So what are you reading these days

the Scarecrowhed bet  would talk his ear off
he could


amid the three communities consensus was there were better things to do with their time  Who has time for that?

mebbe the bettermore honest answer was  rather than answering a question with a question that drove him nutsthe not-saying Who wants to make time for that? but then these communities helped the eidget parlay his defamations into a presidency     

he thought Better a scarecrow than a straw man

1313,  Friday,  4  5. 18
1234,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  9  5. 18

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093437/videoplayer/vi2012217625?ref_=tt_ov_vi

Siegel-Schwall Band  Angel Food Cake  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIzDSA0B3C0&index=20&list=PLD4113D80C8F7DE8B

Tom Lehrer  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhuMLpdnOjY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frAEmhqdLFs  We Will All Go Together When We Go (certain to piss off the Religious wholl bitch all the whole way) (THEN there were only 3 billion – nearing 7 ½ billion now: https://www.census.gov/popclock/world )

every once in a while  to remember when

                                                 in the shower he lathers his face with soap then opens his eyes wide letting the soap in to burn them

theyll never burn as they did when he was a boy

Keep your eyes shut his grandmother told him in her broken EnglishPolish lilt I should not have to tell youyou’re a big boy, you’re not dense, you know better. Keepkeep your eyes shut so the soap does not get in them. Your eyes burning is your fault. 

they burned

he sobbed

she didnt comfort him

she knew his tears would wash the soap out of his eyes  then the burning would stop

going to bed after bathing his father just returned home from workeating in the kitchen at the table with his mother at his elbow said Whats wrong with your eyes

Your boy can’t keep his eyes shut when I wash his hair and face.

Joe.

Yes Papa

Why don’t you keep your eyes closed?

Because

Because is not an answer, Joe.

You answer me because Papa

That’s different.

I do not see that it is different

Enough. Answer me. Why don’t you keep your eyes closed?

Because 

I know one day when I open them the burn will be a sting and it will not make me cry

the adults looked around at each other  their eyes then returning to him

You know his grandmother said it is okay to cry if something hurts.

Not everything that hurts is worth crying about

they looked back and forth again between themselves 

No his mother said not everything that hurts is worth crying about.

Thats what I think

Why do you think that? his father asked

I dont know  I just think that  

I think that when I hurt and dont crybecause it is not worth crying about  Ill be happier about myself

few things made him cry

if he cried he knew what made him cry was very worthwhile 

he cried unashamedly

                                    

no one could provoke him to shame

1301,  Friday,  4  5. 18

1350,  Twosday,  8  5. 18

American carny begins at the top

Huh 

Ohexcuseme my mistake

American carnage begins at the top

1609,  Twosday,  8  5. 18

douche

it wasnt what he grew up with  douche  douchebag dbag    his college roommate from Brooklyn introduced him to the term

they didnt use it liberally 

it took a real gem to provokepry it out of them

the president is a douche

1529,  Twosday,  8  5.18  

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2018/may/08/iran-deal-trump-withdraw-us-latest-news-nuclear-agreement

dusk fallen purpling sky    trees giving away to silhouettes of themselves

Thats it

        he was over it

when he was looking he really saw and nobody saw what he did like he did 

What are you talking about? Where?

Were past it  On the side of the road  Im not exiting the highway reversing field and coming back up it to show you so you can see  Youll have to take my word for it

Well, if what you say you saw you saw . . I don’t want to see it.

No you dont

his motheryears ago noticed during their Sunday afternoon ride to the country for picnics that he was uncommonly quietly to his father  ungainly observant  she remarked that the family would have missed nearly all the things he saw and pointed out for their attention  things attractive  not so attractive   she said You could be more discerning . . 

. . No  If I gotta see why shouldnt you

their ride on those occasions became more than they bargained for  Its an adventureright youre always saying were going out on an adventure  he hung her with her and his fathers words

his father was demur consolation  Mother, you can’t expect him not to see, that’s why he has eyes in his head.

she would give him cool looks 

the matter dropped

he was over it
               that was the final fawn that broke the dromedarysthe bactrians backhe lumped them together  fuck their humps

the fawns broken legs like mangled spiders legs pointed in all directions 

its neck snapped zigzag

its shattered skullsock of a face peering backwards over its crumpled spine

blood sapped of its colour by the failing lightsplashed like a ruptured water balloon near the asphalts edge advertising the carnage on its shoulder

somebody could start making films now  exhibit dead childrenchildrens deaths

he was sick about the horror of other species dead childrenwhy hold up a human child as something separatemore special deserving of reverence

animal children are slaughtered daily and languish for days in buzzed heaped on road sides and highways   

sometimes theyre never attended to reduced to bonestickled hides that even ravens and vultures disregard

nobody seems upset

hes mentioned it until hes blue in the face  he wasnt able to provoke concern It’s unfortunateyah, but what you going to do? It’s an unfortunate . .

. . Cost

I didn’t say that.

You cant say that Cost is something endured 

Do you even feel bad

Be honest

If I were honest . . sounds bad . . . no.

I honestly feel bad I feel badly each an every time I come across dead animals on the road  I pick them up and lay them in quieter places under trees in high grass lay them in someones flower bed try to create a makeshift reverence

That’s good of you.

Not good  a poor apology for a less than mediocre two-legged selfish species

he was upset

unnecessary death upset him

so yes if a film portrayed innocent children killed hed have no problem with it  it wasnt crossing any moral lines

all one has to do is look around them and see the truth

theres no reason humans are special

when were especially selfish

1122,  Sunday,  6  5. 18

1008,  Monday,  7  5. 18