. . . the fact is that writing is
the only way in which (he was) able to cope with the memories which overwhelm
(him) so frequently and so unexpectedly. If they remained locked (up) away they
would become heavier and heavier . . . so that in the end (he) would succumb
under their mounting weight. Memories lie slumbering with us . . . quietly
proliferating, until they are woken by some trifle and in some strange way
blind us to life . . .
a decrepit veil of spiderwebs
fell over his face from the upthrusted limbs of Italian cypress
they were arranged like pickets
to either side of the drygravel small stone drive he walked down
he gently pulled it away
gathering it in his handin case there were tenants pulled the shroud off his face and released it
let it float down to the stones
shroud clung to his thoughts
burial shroud invaded
then
an organic mask of fine human ash
collapsing in on itselfbone consumedbrain boiledpineal gland exploded like a
Fourth of July rocket a whiff of
perfume of sulphur of ambergris and riot
he rememberedmemory
his wifes cremation
that
he didnt attend
that
he wanted to but didnt because
because of the
pronounced discomfort his children his parents
her parents his siblings her
siblings suffered
they were horrified
what
compassion they had mustered afforded him earlier was spent had eroded their voices waned to whispers
he
didnt feel he didnt feelhe didnt feel
didnt feel he could forego themleave them to their unfurling horror
didnt feel he could leave them
to be there for his wife his lover the
mother of their children
who
he had been beside and helped face every misfortune they endured
misfortunes
that were paver stones to
her selfdestruction
he felt it happen that
morningheard it
a sharp snap a
rubberband breaks
snap
of her violation
he was shaving because she liked him clean shaven
he put down the straightrazor and
strode up the hall into the livingroom What did you do
Do I dont know what youre talking about
What did you doyou did something
I didnt do anything
Youre
lying to me Youve done somethingwhat did
you do
I didnt do anything
Youre lying Youre lying to mePlease tell me what you did
I
didnt do anything
what she did took her life
what she did was claim her life
indisputablyclaimed her life as her own
he had no right to her life
no more than she or anyone could claim
a right to his
she didnt do anything
overdosing was nothing to her
she didnt have to do anything to
claim her life
he wouldnt have been able to
torture the truth out of her
at the hospital
the couple of times she became conscious she
moaned I dont want to be hereI don wanna be here Get me out of here
he thoughtin his straitjacket
of terror that she meant she didnt want to be in the hospitalshe wanted out of
the hospital
then later
more sober
he realised what
she didnt wantwhat she didnt want was she
didnt want to be here be in life not the hospital
she
wanted to die to realise realise the quest she put in motion
I didnt do anything
Get me out of here
Kill
me
he
sucked in his breath with that realisation grateful he was alone
that was the darkest loneliness
he ever combated
and bettered
and realised it was okay he remained alive
realised
until death do we part
realised
the terrible vow he made ignorantly
because as they stood at the very
edgethe very beginning of their lives together
who thinks ever
of its demise
who thinks of death at the beginning
of life when promise alone makes up their
passiontheir love and life . . .
1759, Saturday,
8 7. 17
1227, Sunday,
9 7. 17
W G Sebald page 255 of The Rings of Saturn
Otis Redding Sitting on the Dock of the Bay https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyPKRcBTsFQ
Kendrick Lamar Alright
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-48u_uWMHY
