Whawas wid dese fuckin naps he slurred wiping sleep out of his eye  he moved the cat off his chest rolled onto his side and looked at the cheap round Timex on the cardboard box he used as a bedstand 

it saw him looking  it raised its hands in accusation pointed its stubby fingers at him  1:27 

he yawned in its face wide  the force of the yawn shut his eyes

he conceded to the nap at 11:33 

laying down he figured the nap might have had something to do with prime numbersnope ones no primethree is  not thirtythree  but a three an three were

he didnt figure much beyond that because indie his cat jumped up on the bed near his hip  he sat up and snatched him then held him to his chest as he laid back down

indie didnt need any persuasion  he purred  he could feel indie vibrate his ribs

he closed his eyesprime numbers

he was out like a light     

electricity gone

he worked part-time  nights

got home

had a light supper so it didnt lay heavy in his belly when he went to sleep

he didnt have a set schedule

hours fell weekdays weekends  mishmash

finally after a year and a half he requested a couple of weekends or a couple of weekend days off a month  he figured a year and a half were dues

he asked it of the new management hires

management hires turned over quickly

this was the third he was under in his year and a half with the company

this management asked him if hed consider entering managementNo  No thank you  I dont agree with much corporate does and if one enters management one has to drink the kool-aid  they cant throw rocks at the glass house

Id rather throw rocks

his naps werent the result of working evenings weekend evenings for a year and a half

they werent the result of him being depressedhe wasnt depressedyou had to have feelings to be depressed

he cauterised his years agostood too close to the fire that consumed his wife blackened her unrecognisable to everyone but him

hell  he recognised her in his dreams when she came to him disguised as other women

he frustrated her in death as in lifeHow did you know it was me

The hell  ya kiddin me babe  you can change the colour of your eyes change the face youre tryin to hide them in  but you cant change for a moment the way youve always looked at me Not ever  Ill know you no matter who you look like

not work

not depression

not lack of sleephe slept like a rock

not lifting at the gym or the swimmingphysically exhausted

not boredumb

not nothing  really

probably just a break from the routine

and that aint never a bad idea

1400,  Twosday,  25  4. 17

1444,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  26  4. 17

1365 days remaining or less

Whaddaya gonna doCry about it   

No sense in beating yourself up that you didnt know earlier

You find things out when you find them out  

Everything in its own time

(thats a bitter salve)

he didnt like being excoriated

                       least of all by himself

he could have a cruel tongue

often when he spoke there was no kindness in his tone 

his delivery was even keel as-a-matter-of-fact

when he argued he took emotion out of his words 

on paper he was the same   

though few knew hed written many missives over many years imploring the help of too many politicians and authorities and organisations after his wife died of prescribed pharmaceuticals – his letters proved inconsequential – they were answered late and answered with nothing more than tweaked form letters which implied American pharmaceutical companies were too large too deeply-entrenched in the Marketplace to challenge

                                        

his speech since was brusque

You find things out when you find them out          

today his illumination came while reading Wizard of the Crow by Ngũgĩ wa Thiong'o an exiled Kenyan writer

The world will always be what the world has always been  and  you remember what happened to you when you broke the law of your own words

simple truths simply revealed

the sentences caught in his throat

he read them over and over again

they seized and accused him

Ngũgĩ wa Thiong'o has been published since 1964WHY hadnt he discovered him sooner

whawas he gonna do

                 cry about it

 

1331,  Monday,  24  4. 17

1324,  Twosday,  25  4. 17

1366 days remaining or less

it was a stallshe was stalling

                      and he hadnt a clue whyany more than she said earlier(stop  didnt say  texted) earlier in the week that she needed time to process how she was feeling. (the period wasnt that big but it might have been because feeling was swinging in the breeze) feeling

                                              feeling whatabout what  feeling doesnt get more ambiguousmore vague than when unattended 

years into a relationship the cats got her tongue

                                       and when he played twenty questions or hangman she didnt want to argue

Hows talking arguing

I dont wanna argue

No    You dont wanna talk

I didnt say that

How is asking a question arguing

I cant do this now

We aint doing nothing

                  but I follow   We can talk later

I love you

a cheap bandaid not even a BandAid bandaid

theres nothing to do but echo

echo until time presents itself when he can physicallyface to face talk with her

the yakking been text

                and thats about as minimal communication gets except for the ejaculation of Twitterlike a Tom pissing a bush marking his territory dogs pissing on other dogs piss

no wonder theyre so damn thirsty  trying to keep the inkwell full the nib wetready to write

can i call you once i’m up and caffeinated

that was two hours ago

she said she was excited

said she couldnt wait to spend Sunday with him

excited  can be parsed

spend Sunday can be parsedyou can spend a portion of Sunday five minutes  you spent Sunday

esquire 

splitting hairs

esquire used to be a term of endearment

1422,  Sunday.  23  4. 17

1367 days remaining or fewer