he often stood outdoors  outside his houseoutside despite all its room windows flung open because he had it somewhere in his head(it didnt matter how or when the ideation occurred) he had it that men belonged outside  men indoors werent men at all  men indoors were the bane of his existencetoo full of themselves too full of things he considered luxurious and luxuries were things that werent needed which bred hard and bad feelings  those who luxuries appealed to were never satisfied  they felt their luxuries were absolute necessities

necessities are necessities

luxuries  werent  necessities

                      hence  he deduced indoor men werent necessary

when he found himself inside too long

he made a break

it was wise not to be in his way when he broke out

hed go through someone 

unfortunately(for them)  he went through a lot of people

                                        because those people werent observantdidnt have their heads on a swivelsomehow thinking believing they could be complacent and others would look out for them(his father nearly beat into him the need for being a defensive driver A car can be a weapon boy Eyeballs out for the others on the roadThey can kill ya   And we wont be burying a pretty corpse) 

                                        when he was afoot breaking out his father might have been correct in assuming him a weapon too  if people couldnt read his face or feel aHA disturbance in the force as he moved suddenly  wellthen  hed bring them into realityinto the Here and Now

the only fortune in all of his breaking out was that he purposefully kept himself in small or rural communitiesaway from urban centersaway from having to curb his predilectionshaving to curb his head in the horrible sense of gang curbingsChicago curbings broken jaws and shattered teeththats what you got when you lost a fightgot coldcockedgot knocked unconscious   (maybe getting shot to death was a better outcome   he didnt know    he was never dead to be able to say)

                                                                                                                  a   l  o  n  g   aside 

while standing in the fresh air unencumbered  belonging there   outintheopen  the sunshine felt like a womans hands on his body  he sipped water to keep his tongue wet

sipping he thought of the desert

he just returned from a trip to Arizona

he was passionate about roadtrips

they made up for the one(he was trying to convince himself)  the one he was denied

and despite himselfhis mindfuck  he was certain those he took now would never add-up-to or brush up against his trip denied

Denied  his life was radically altered

                              but he figured he wasnt different from anyone elseeveryone had been denied something that radically changed their livesIF they truly considered them  although not those lives which turned on answers from The Magick 8-Ball(its an oracle  dont doubt it)

standing outside he was easily and every time reminded when he looked into a treehe loved trees  he loved them intuitively   every tree reminded him of lifeof his life of the myriad of possibilities his life could have been  his life was

he admired their trunks  then their forks  they were his life  Either  Or   an on an on and then that critical branchthat radical change  and then the branches that followedthe limbs the shoots the leaves the fruits(if you were a fruit tree)

a tree greenshimmering in a slight breeze under the tickling fingers of womanly sunlight 

their uncounted leaves 

                  each could have been the place where his life ended     he was in every tree somewhere

the water wasnt but it tasted bitter

then he was too youngtoo pliable outside his ken not able to resist the radical change put on him  his roadtrip denied

his regret

missing that roadtrip made it a hot point to assure and encourage his daughters to follow their heads

if they were idiots he wouldnt have let them

he wanted them to come down in their lives as near as possible to where they wanted to bewhere they saw themselves when they imagined their lives unfolding  unfurling  like soft green leaves

the treeless desert starkly reminded him

the desert is a severe beautyan austere beauty 

                                      and quietly disturbed  then recognising he missed trees he remembered he was averted   he let the aversion happen   and it happened because then he was too set-upon to resist  then too pragmatic  really too young to consent(a reason?  an excuse?) 

he wasnt unhappy with his life

the alteration didnt kill him

the denied roadtrip gave him unexpected experiences it gave him people he cherished and those he loved

but thered always be that impossible itch to scratch

1338,  Saturday,  15  4. 17

1026,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  19  4. 17

1371 days(4/20 – wasted on Drumpf) remaining or fewer

Flann Obrien(Joyce had competition)  The Complete Novels 

                                                    wellshit    this may be a book thats not returned

he may have to rescue it from the Demise of the Montecito Libraryfrom disuse abuse  from illiteracy  Read me a book Mommie isnt the same as petulant adolts bragging that they read yet another book this weekeveryone marveling Where did you find the time(they listened to an audio book  –  it aint one an the same)

libraries  Bradburys colleges  are on their way out  theyre no longer revered repositories public spaces(bathrooms to be sure places to loiter until the shelters open again) brain trusts historians harbingers  they are sapped by the internet  an anonymous insatiable fuckin vampire that if it cant find news it makes it up and doesnt worry the difference between them

he just had a conversation with two guys in the gym sauna about the demise of Radioshack and outhouses and Sears Roebuck and Company catalogsthe last pages used were womens bras underwear and lingerie  and while he didnt say he wondered if books didnt risk the same fate  computer users defecating and wiping their ass with their pages for two reasons  there were unlimited pages of the same book in light  and Who Reads Books

                                                                the printed word effaced by talking heads(theres certainly an art to telling storiesreading them) 140-characters eradicating tens of thousands of thoughtfully-created words  ---  B O R I N G  ---  Who has time to read?

 

                                            he hated trulyhated that question

You make time to read                        

maybe the question ought to be  Who has the attention-span?

                                             as society is buffeted by the insatiable desire for immediacyNOW and impatience  feveringNOW!  children balling crying because theyre not getting what they want  but children have an excuse  theyre ignorant  theres nothing worse than an ignorant adolt

he decided

 

         he was rescuing The Complete Novels  printed by Everymans Library(he really like the intention the idealism)

1441,  Sunday,  16  4. 17

1449,  Twosday,  18  4. 17

1372 days remaining or fewer Russian By

Sunday afternoonEaster  Sunday   afternoon  Hes up and gone man

Whard He go

Anywhar He wants   Anywhar

he was rocked by the Lagunitas Waldos he sipped while preparing the ham(no pineapple!)  so he went outside on the porch into the fresh air

the sun was trying hard to cut through the shroud the threat of rain the overcast sky  it came through in occasional shards  stab wounds  but the wounds healed quickly  as if the blades of sunlight never were

he returned into the house and grabbed a small cigar a box of wood matches and Flann Obriens At Swim-Two-Birds

he was celebrating

this is what one doesHe did when the Easter bunny disregards their house denies them an Easter basketdidnt put him to work the night before dissolving colour tablets in hot water and vinegar to colour dozens of eggs  sitting bleak white in their cartons shining like fresh skulls

                               but that was likely because his drawings and words done in wax crayons had become more and more profane every year

his parents took his crayon away

Who the fuck likes just coloured eggs(or just colouring eggs)

he ultimately lost his cogship in the Easter machinery when he hogged a better portion of the five dozen eggs and dumped the deep blue dye into the red and made nearlyblack eggs

apparently black eggs werent festive

                             so his parents said

which he countered The Man died  These eggs reflect the mourning of Christs crucifiction

his parents also didnt approve of his crucifiction

thats when they dropped him from the proceedings entirely

which was fine by him

he recognised  as he did this Easter morning  that after years and years breathing the vapours off the colouring solutionsthe hot vinegar  that he(probably psychosomatic) began coughing whenever he caught a whiff of vinegar

truthfully he couldnt say he missed the ceremony  being indentured   the ah  ah ahoh whats that called   Yes    Yes  he didnt miss the indoctrination prejewdice not that his parents saw it that waywhat parents wouldparents didntthey just handed down what they learnedwere taughtbecause thats when you get kids

he didnt get getted

but that was innate to him

his parents then were right in excluding him  he was the eldest and he could taint his siblings  while his parents were lukewarm to Catholicism they still held their religion in esteem in the vapours of Christ and His teachings

                                                                                   and maybe if the Bible actually contained the Word of Christ hed consider it  but His disciples  as all True disciples  conspired to create godma conspired to create a continuum  and as they persisted their stories of Him humanly were changed and embellished  and at some point it was recognised Thars gold in dem dar hills!

dutifully he called his parents on Easter and Christmas(he called as he opened his second Waldo)

it was habit to him

nothing more

as his parents aged they hedged their bets(they gambled regularly now at riverboat and Indian casinos) they hedged their shot at the Promised Hereafter

this Easters telephone conversation turned on a t-shirt he saw a customer wearing  Joe Jost’s  the man said it was a dive bar in Long Beach  it even has pickled eggs behind the bar if you wanted

he shared with his folks that since he left Chicago he hadnt been into a bar that had pickled eggs  Three for twentyfive centsDont imagine they sell for thathuh

Or Blind Robins either  his father said his mother concurred(When did they go barhopping)

Blind Robins I dont know them(he took Easter solace in their remembrances of bars)

You dont know Blind Robins  his father said  I suppose I didnt raise you right  Theyre salted herrings Delicious with a cold beer Smart though The salt only made you more thirsty

Ah  Like a dentist giving you a candy sucker after hes filled cavities

Exactly   I havent thought of Blind Robins in years

I never knew of Blind Robins  Better I think to remember than never have known  And I thank you for my knowing now

Youre welcome  Good memories attached to Blind Robins pickled eggs

Yes  Good memories attached to Easter

Black eggs

they laughed together

1338,  Sunday,  16  4. 17

0956,  Twosday,  18 4. 17

1373 remaining days or fewer Russian By