he knew this was one way death crept

as surely as he knew that light diminishing to a pinpoint in his eyes meant hed faint and lose consciousness

death however inverted the process

its light would grow larger and larger until it enveloped the whole of his sight

then it would steal his consciousness his unconsciousness

every bit of anything he was 

abruptly he pushed himself to sit up in the lavender-scented bathtub

his head was heavy

weighed down by deaths encroach 

as its white blaze grew in this eyes he unstopped the bathtub roused himself stood shakily and picked his way out of the emptying tub

the drain gurgled louder than he thought it could  but his eyes were closed and it made perfect sense his other senses would be heightened  

he saw in his eyes deaths oval split

startled he opened them  but it remained and obscured his vision

he shut his eyes again and the oval seemed invigorated inspired by his blindness  

assuredly he grabbed a towel from a hook at his right and with it in both hands he rubbed his face

he obstinately pressed his eyes with it and inside them the black background went red

the split oval  undiminished  continued to throbbed

he knew better  no physical action he made could diminish it 

when he worried briefly it might infected his eyes 

he also knew better

he calmed himself talked himself down

deaths parts were going to run their course

it was game he played before

patiently he had to fight it again

going to open his eyes he craned his neck

when he opened them appleseed briefly scurried in her web

again his vision was interrupted penetrated

yet the subtle volley of candlelight  light extraneous to it  helped him gain a foothold helped him begin to besiege it     

closing his eyes it briefly took back what the candlelight stole 

though looking directly into it now he saw the split resembled the outline of Africa  

violently it flopped in his eyes seeming to sense he wasnt going to allow it to escape 

the tip that might be South Africa flipped up and the whole continent followed 

the broken bit resembling a swollen Madagascar did too

it was as if the equator was a wire and Africa a bead impaled on it 

it agitated him but not so much to throw him from his purpose

he reeled

his eyes refused to open again

he felt his face pulling at itself  willing itself  

its underlying muscles pulled hard as they tried force his eyelids apart as he forced consciousnesses outside of himself in

he stood in front of the mirror over the sink

a forelock of hair fell over his left eye as it always does when he needs a haircut  

above him to his left appleseed bounced in her web in the corner agitated  

birds outside from their roosts cry  

their voices entered through the screened window

the flopped Africa metastasised  still groping for something hed taken from it 

he was still having trouble opening his eyes completely 

they caught as if they were stitched 

then his eyelids fluttered

broke open they stared into the mirror

he didnt recognise himself

Africas residual remained in his eyes 

he shook his head rapidly blinked his eyes

he gasped then growled in his throat like an wild animal 

death still crept

then Africa trembled and began to shrink

becoming smaller and smaller its original boneyellow colouring returned

a taunt he believed

then dissipating  an oily hue  a black shadow      

then that miserable excrement was extinguished and subsumed

he stood for a long time reconfiguring himself in the mirror 

he made sure his parts aligned and were mirrorimages  not some vague cancerous affectation left behind by death  some toehold or edge to be grappled by   

in these moments death was more like a disease than a finality

it was a dance

death trying to take the lead

2300,  Sunday,  25  9. 16

1603, Monday,  26  9. 16

born in America

no matter their birthdate everyone is born on the Fourth of July and cut their baby teeth on its indoctrination(Wha?) inoculated(Wha?) with desperate entitlement(Wha?)(Stop  Dont play ignorant)

he was troubled since he read the old Soviet joke(Soviet  seemed very American) The future is certain, it is only the past that is unpredictable

he was never more aware of American revisionism than this year

this political cycle

which appalled him 

the abject virulent racism denied and lied about  whitewashed(Tom Sawyer at his best)

WHA? its shocked demeanor

its faked injury

Who are you calling a racist

You

How dare you

Shove it up your lying ass

Fakery  fast becoming Americas oldest pasttime    its disingenuity

1357,  Satuday,  24  9. 16

http://aktnz.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/2012_SLEEK.pdf

Cotard delusion 

he whiled onto it  youtubing  dropping music performances into his ears and then going to Word under a wash of sounds  always oblivious videos are attached  

wrioting hed only take in sounds(foreign languages were sounds) 

he had enough words in his head and was wise not to accept competition 

he followed Kilimanjaro Darkjazz Ensembles music to Cotard delusion a selection from their From the Stairwell album  and taking a break between words coming up for air aimlessly he wondered if the compelling music wasnt written in reference to the modern French actress Marion Cotard  ahfou  he as thoughtlessly remembered her name is Cotillard

an –ill- between the Cot- an –ard  nevertheless  It wasnt a bad or ill shot in the dark he thought Every shot in the dark you dont take you miss  

Why not shoot

he was there this morning remembering his anniversary

it was the fifteenth year he would have to celebrate alone

he was remembering the small steps between then and now  remembering his enforced routines his drunken steps the frustrating ones that everyone everyone made it their business to tell him werent going anywhere not realising the empathy required to appreciate that he had to take them and arrive at his nowhere for himself trips these well-intended would eventually make without their spouse the salient hard fact that one was going to precede the other in the unlike event they died at once in a horrible accident or a suicide-pact  

the vow is until death do you part which he thought many years ago ought to have been written out of marriage vows  though he could also acknowledge its dramatic flare  but it was only a dramatic flare as flares are used to alert road traffic of an impending obstruction ahead and to be wary  but maybe thats why it remained  or was avowed  when (particle)particularly more than a coinsflip sever their relation seemingly as easy as dusting cakecrumbs off a tablecloth to happy ants   

his skepticism was slippery

he worried of its endgame  its cynicism

but as long as he knew there was a difference he tried very hard to keep his Cynic at bay

in a closet

in a closet that he had to open every day

kept everyday things in it and forced himself to confront it cut it off as it tried to escape like any wily animal of teeth and claws would  tried to confront it without being too badly wounded  still able to keep it inside  shutting the door successfully again

scratches and bites heal

its wounds and scars are eminent reminders

sometimes he met people who recognised them on his hands and arms 

saw the occasional fresh wounds or old scars on his face

they were sympathetic souls

but then he recognised their marks too  their stigma(which isnt too strong a word  not too strong if its happened to you)

a Cotard delusion was an odd and interesting place to end up

1140,  Saturday,  24  9. 16

Kilimanjaro Darkjazz Ensemble  Cotard Delusion  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2rZ8ebFwfc

http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/what-is-cotards-syndrome-the-rare-mental-illness-which-makes-people-think-they-are-dead-a6722201.html

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/26241741_Cotard's_Syndrome_A_Review