27.4.16



that pervasive aroma when he entered a bakery that aroused him 
                                                     wasnt its sticky sweet scents
its humid warmth slick icings nutmeats or sugar an cinnamon


it was its breads

the earthy smell of yeast

their grains
           heady texture



he was attracted to the round loaves 
                              like river stones
how perfectly they fit in his hands
how he tipped their bottoms up to his nose to smell  tore out irregular gobs daubed them with smears of butter and jam

stones never to feel the steel of blades

he tried not to bite his fingers and thumbs as he gobbled their warm bodies swinishly




he didnt remember how he got there


he blinked and found himself standing between white metal and glass display counters filled with sweets and coffecakes samples on top them in small crepe cups 
                                          but it was wicker baskets filled with long breads in paper sleeves
at the endcaps that caught his eye and directed him beyond them to the shelves behind glass doors like barristers bookcases that held bricks of bread and round stone loaves

lifting the doors he smelled their warm breaths

but it was three loaves in particular on the second shelf that beckoned him that he picked up without the offered paper slips and barehanded he gentled them into pink-striped waxbags

he held the three in one arm across his chest and as he walked up between the counters to the shoppe front the yellow daylight and blue passing through the plate glass windows flickered

it was stunning

it stopped him in midstride

it flickered once again


then went black



coal  oil  black




where light didnt venture
                     and there wasnt a chance his eyes would grow accustom to it  to see a damn thing

he almost imagined himself cane in hand slashing the space before him around him in a panic to strike a single thing that would reveal in its wounding what it was

he only imagined because it was useless   the cane wouldnt find anything    it would whistle harmlessly in the dank that was beginning to cool without the sun

                                   he was anxious to forget this beginning and get on to what was to happen

he quelled his impatience

smelled the bread

and waited


waited




Which of your five senses would you give up
this occurred inside his head
it was not said aloud he believed  a disembodied womans voice in the blackness

                                    Not my eyes or ears he uttered aloud

the words ejected from out his mouth struck the atmosphere and were broken into bits and letters
 
he didnt hear anything in the blackness either

So were really only talking about three senses

he felt the comfort of loaves in his arms
                                Were talking about two senses
he smelled the breads
they cheated taste


Id kill off my sense of taste



Youd give up your sense of taste she said

Taste

Last chance

Taste




he felt his arm pull away from his chest not that he moved it not that he could feel it being pulled 
it felt what coercion felt like                                                                                           
the loaves didnt fall


he could feel them still against his chest  

warming


then at his hand forearm the inside of his elbow he felt something else
                                                          something
silken against his skin

under his fingers he felt ribs

under his arm he felt lungs swell  xhale

a breath on his face

the loaves warming

a mouth at his mouth



it moved away from his




You dont like the taste of my mouth you wouldnt want to taste my mouth


I said taste
          not the taste of your mouth



for an instant he thought he could see the blackness radiate shiver like a veil

flickering yellow and blue 
                       a halo around a visage before his eyes

flickering again

seeming

to catch


the mouth returned to his mouth  a playful nip at his lip    laughter

arms surrounded him

his arms went around 
                   her

he closed his eyes

he smelled the loaves at his chest

they didnt smell like bread anymore



dull red ouros appeared through his eyelids

Look 
     It is the first sense you refused to give up



he opened his eyes
                 her eyes
looked back into his




he glimpsed down between them 
                            the warm loaves were now her breasts


You have a name for me she asked

Awa he said





1454,  Monday,  26  4. 16
0204,  Day-between-Two-Ts,  27  4. 16

26.4.16



yaknow
        having come out ahead  bettered  more than a few claptraps illconcealed booby-traps
residing in a modest house on an acreage treed parcel bordered by a National Forest
warmed by an small aromatic fire
enjoying the wholesome company of two feral cats  one tom he plucked nearly from out of the jaws of a dog running loose  they sprawled beside him on the overstuffed horsehair sofa under silent spiders who knitted webs at the corners of the ceiling
watching the flames marbled through a glass of bourbon marbled through the smoke off his cigar resting in a large circular crystal ashtray
he reimagined his life

he examined it gazing into the fire
watched it quietly reclining in the cooling grey ash under the irongrate 

pausing  ruminating

                   astonished

how he got to where he was



                               this cold biting winter night he tried to remember how things went bust

who crossed the line
who drew it
was it even there

they were on

then they were off


he wasnt one to ever be emotional

maybe because of that she thought he didnt care firmly for her
although he said he did

maybe he wasnt reassuring enough if she doubted him


he was set to earn money save it for a trip he planned since becoming a teenager


their last time out together they had a real good time
he thought
she said
he said

but then he didnt call for a couple of weeks

he didnt think a couple of weeks would have cooled them

he didnt think

he was too busy hustling work

she knew he wasnt leaving until the Fall


he wasnt dodging the draft


his number was low

last year guys who had his number went

but he hadnt received notice to go down to the draft board

not in the interim

not in those two weeks




he called

her father answered

she was daddys girl

her father said hed give her the message he called



he called a few days later

he was pretty sure it was only a few days

her father answered the telephone again

he took his message and said hed tell his daughter he called again

her father comforted him told him she was evidently interested in him

but he was leaving  wasnt he

In the Fall he said  if he was able to hit the mark he felt he needed for the trip
what he budgeted
a blue line trip weaving through the country and back

her father said he envied him

he said his plan was sound at least from what his daughter shared with him

Yes he said he had alternatives along the way

he prepared and understood what he needed if his plans went south

they hung up

her father said hed give her the message



never did hear

he figured three strikes and youre out



he might have lost count



nothing else to do than follow your path





some years later he heard she married a guy that was drafted

he died

left her with a child



he hoped she had a plan

hoped she had devised alternatives for herself

a single young woman with a child would be tough



later he heard things got real tough



what he recalled  she wasnt tough

wasnt resilient

might have folded up

she wasnt like him

wasnt like him when he finally reported to the draft board and refused induction three times in the same day

managed all the hoots and howls and threats



like he told his father
                  the military could only trouble him if he went along with it
but it didnt have anything he wanted

he wasnt inspired by Stars and Stripes and Patriotism

he wasnt inspired to become a G I

A G I Dad 
         Government – Issued
Why would I want to become Property of the Government

Hell Dad
        I never do what Im told

I have an aversion to Authority



No  unfortunately  she wasnt tough or resilient



he heard later her parents were caring for their grandchild





she committed suicide





1617,  Monday,  25  4. 16