you can try an shut yer eyes to it  tune it out of yer ears
                                             but he couldnt

not the infernal interrior dialogue he had to wrestle  freestyle  a fast stream-of-consciousness

rabbleroused by his testy unconsciousness    Raw

hot blood  Red

bloodied by willful slaughter

  

a honed knife laid off to a side

--   Use it  You can see the animal is suffering

Put it out of its misery

Provide it mercy

the bone-handled knife was in his hand  trembling  glinting in the sunlight

the goats eyes bulged

(did it know  --  understand)

(he didnt)

it bleated

 

it snorted

it cried

Its suffering

Help it

Put it out of its misery

he couldnt save it

the goat was beyond saving

the sun glinted off its shining widespread terriorised eyes

there was too much light

there were no shadows or darkness to hide in

no salve or anodyne

just the hard weight of the knife in his hand

he grabbed the goat by its head

his hand its blindfold

his hand bending its head back  to a side

its jugular throbbing

quickly keenly the blade to one side  the other

the goat spasmed under its blindfold

There  There   Quiet Sshh  There now sshh 

Im sorry

the goats blood pooled darkly 

dried brown grass and chaff pushed by its edge

he reflected up in it

the knife blade a brilliant shard

a focal point

deaths final throes

its last breath  hollow  hard    a wolfs whistle

what it had been departed

still

lonely

vacant

death is absence

he stood

his hand  fixed  a blind a gag

he warmed it rubbed it on his thigh

his thumb catching his beating heart in his femoral

alive

existent

present

Ill take the knife now

he turned to face him

                         I dont think you want it

Not right now

Not how I want to give it to you

It was only a goat

What if I called you  a goat   only a goat

Youre responsible for this for its suffering its misery

                                             The goats death

It was a goat

It was a goat but life isnt cheap No life is cheap 

                                             Youd agree

he strode suddenly over to him daring him to disagree

Youd agree Yes

Yes

What

I agree

You agree What

I  agree   No life is cheap

Then we agree

               and stepping back he threw the knife  its blade bite into the earth between his heels
his feet shoulders-apart

turning he walked away and tried very hard not to see the dead goat not to hear its last breath hollow and hard

    

its lone wolfs whistle

0126,  Sunday,  24  1. 16

What do you have

Nuthin

Nothing   Let me see nothing

he dropped his clasped hands to his hip turning his body aside following the lead of his hands

Its nuthin

Please  Id like to see your nothing

Nuthins nuthin yaknow

I know what nothing means to me

he held his hands up in front of himself  outstretching his fingers

See  Thats nothing

Let me see the nothing in your hands

he stood retained his profile

Why

Why not why wouldnt you let me see what you havent in your hands

I mean  to say      its nuthin to me

Then its probably nothing to me too
                              Unless it isnt

Dont be coy let me see what you have

I dont know coy

Sly

      You grasp what sly means

Im not sly or coy

Let me see

Why should I

Because I asked and since youre here with me I have obligations responsibilities youll not force me to forego  by being stubborn   Or disobedient

Ive asked nicely

So  please

Letmesee

Alright  but you have to protect your eyes

I dont see that youve protected your eyes

My eyes werent good to start with You know Theyre bad I aint wearin my glasses am I

No  I forgot

You forgot because you dont see me very often Youre really busy Maw says Too busy to see me until you want and then I cant be busy and not see you

It must be real nice to do what you want

Okay  I hear you

How do I protect my eyes

Since you got real good eyes  you got sunglasses

I havent sunglasses

You dont like them do you    I seemto remember

You remember correctly

There  Over there
he pointed to a broken brown bleach bottle laying in the dirt and patched grass
That should help might do it

Help

Yeah  Its bright

Bright

Uhhuh

the boy held the posture he assumed  torqued sideway

it was just past dusk

if he held something bright cupped in his hands it wasnt apparent

bright also suggested heat

and yet the boy didnt seem uncomfortable holding   nothing

Okay  Helluva a place out in the open for broken bottles glass

Boys come down around here and break bottles with their slingshots  I see them  I watch them  They sound like theyre havin fun  I watchem from the trees above  They dont know Im there

Im real quiet so they dont know

he was born with congenital defects

kids never warmed up to his afflictions 

 

he was slow-moving

he wast smart

kids knew what they wanted or didnt and kids around here usually got what they wanted and didnt what they didnt

those his age enforced his thinking to not want to be there

he didnt mind their trouble

though he didnt usually end up holding the shit end of the stick if they came at him one at a time

but they were learning otherwise when he blew them kisses goodbye   Muthafuckers

So youre real quiet then  like a mouse

Yeah  A mouse

Smart boy

Ha No  Not really  I dont like getting hurt Theyd hurt me if they knew what Ive seen

he laughed

          Sometimes theyre dumber than me

You shouldnt denigrate yourself

I dont know denigrate

Im sorry belittle  make yourself small or insignificant in anyones eyes

the boy looked at him hard

Youve never  wha    denigrated   me

Never have  Youve been dealt a lousy hand Nothing you ever did To denigrate you simply speaks of the asshole that person is

Assholes

Thats right  Assholes    Now whatcha got

Get the bottle

he returned

when the bottle broke it followed its seam  he had half the bottle to hold before his face

Be careful dont want you to cut your nose or fingers

You saying Ive got a big nose

No

Thats a joke

Oh  Then yes

Youre no comedian

No

Whatcha got

Ill show you  You ready to hold the bottle up to your face

I am

he held it twohanded  thumbs and indexfingers  the edges were keen  his little brother wasnt stupid

his cradled hands came off his hip

he held them up directly in front of himself

he was very proud

If its too bright youll say something I dont wanna hurt you

Ill be sure to say something

as he began opening his hands rays of light shot through his parting fingers and thumbs

he saw them run traces across the breast of his black tshirt

Yasee

What  the  fuck

Yasee Its really coolhuh

Ohmygod What the fuck

cradled in the palm of his right  insubstantial  except for its light    lay    lay impossibly  a shimmering bit of neon light pulsating marbling   as if it remained intact   a shard   and not

Its a reflection I took off the glass of the Chinese place across from the theatre

Its beautiful   isnt it

Its  fuckin   amazing

It is  isnt it   It blinked at me an seemed to want me to have it
                    

Youll not take it from me  will you

Ill not

  

Thats fuckin amazing

Youre saying fuck  Youre not mad

Im not mad Im wondering how    but I dont care how in the slightest

It is fuckin amazinghuh

Watch your tongue  Maw will have your head if she hears you say fuck

Fuck    Fuck        FUCK

Got it out of your system

Hahah

the lightrays curling in his brothers deformed hands strobed the crowns of the trees above them on the hill

it was

thats all that mattered

   

0111,  Saturday,  23  1. 16

1638,  Saturday,  23  1. 16