He suffered that endless refrain throughout his youth at home

                                                             

A place for everything and everything in its place

                                                                                                             

--   Oh for Christsake maw . . 

--   I dont want to hear it  Therell be no ill words coming out of your mouth  Weve talked 

about this  Thats not how we talk in this house

--   Thats how I talk and how I talk no matter where I am

--   You might want to think that through a little better then

--   Nothing to think about

And my things are in my bedroom where they belong

--   We do Not  speak like that in this house  You have younger brothers and sisters and 

I will not have them picking up that kind of language from their older brother  So you will 

watch your mouth

You share your bedroom with your brothers and you and your brothers arent going out of the house today until this room is picked up and everything and I mean everything is in its place

--   Then I suppose we have our work cut out for us today  you regarding language and 

me getting out of the house

--   Keep talking like that and you might not be going anywhere

--   When this room is picked up and clean  Im out

--   Well see

--   Oh  well see

a fuckin place for everything and everything in its place

that spiel worked itself into his brain like a parasitic worm

he never shed it

even while he was putting his place back together again on weekends after the workweek 

that checklist plagued him

and until he finished  he didnt go anywhere

but he was out of their place

later than he wanted

he was out and never looked back 

 

its funny the things we hold  remember  and dont ever ever want to repeat

a place for everything

it didnt end at home

when he got to school the indoctrination smacked of what he had just left behind after 

washing his breakfast plate

they picked up where his folks left off

they had to be in cahoots

a cancer of parents--to--schoolteachers  parents--to--administrators  --to--principals   

--to--counselors

all cut from the same cloth

--   Everyone to their places

they had their desks

and once determined  by alphabet  thats how they sat for the entire year

unless you disrupted the class

then you got move right up under the teachers nose

usurping who had been the teachers pet

whats where he ended up

his reputation preceding him

 

--   Places everyone 

 

that went for gym Industrial Arts Music Drama Math Science English  --  even English  --  

he thought one of those teachers would break the mold  shake things up

One did 

freshman year high school  She was cut free at the end of the school year  and had been threatened earlier than that

She told him it was a bad fit  Not to worry  Shed land on her feet

  

he never knew   She never wrote to say where She landed

he thought they had an understanding when She left

but he understood even earlier than then

that understandings are shaped by outside forces  by unforeseen agencies and agents

 

by another saying  --   The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry

taken from To a Mouse  a poem by Robert Burns

he was smarter  about some things  than he looked

well before he turned eighteen he quit going to “Places everyone”

and the hardon he had for everything stinking of Authority served him well

particularly well at the Draft Board when “Places everyone” came out of an officers 

mouth as “Step Forward”

when stepping forward meant one acquiesced to be inducted into the military

--   Thatd be a cold cold muthafuckin day in hell

--   We dont talk that way in this house

--   Yah maw you dont  But I dont live here  I talk the way I want

--   I stepped up

--   That was Korea dad  A poor choice  But you and the country were mighty fresh off 

World War Two  I think there was a contagion dumped in Americas freshwater ways

If the guys I stood with today did as I did the US wouldnt be fighting this war  It wouldnt 

have the fighters  And I dont think it will imprison an entire generation who have the right 

to civil disobedience

--   You think its over  that the military is going to let you walk off  that this is at an end

--   No  The military has no right to me  Unless youre suggesting modern day America is 

interested in conscription  no  State might step up  harangue me  but I dont think its only me 

who sees Nam is going badly for us

The military wants it  but thats what the military does  old men sending young boys to die

I got a great idea  Lets let the old men die in battle and see what the young boys think 

we ought to do

--   If your grandfather were alive you . . .

--   would be doing exactly what I want to do  He might have cowed you but no one cows me

Not even you

--   You might regret this

--   Living  I dont think so

another saying  --   You cant fit a round peg into a square hole

Cuz I aint square

as long as America continues to be fashioned by money and old white men

She wont shed idioms pointed to by idiots invoking dead mens errors

1605,  Saturday,  6  9. 14   

he told me that before he sat down to write
--   At dusk at dusk it has to be at dusk
at his desk
beside his readied companion  a tumbler of whisky

he ingested a Quaalude

he smiled
smiled confidently  as if he thought I might find his admission  --  if it were true  --   
quaint                                                                                                                                                  --   My  he drawled  creativity  is inspired by disassociation  HA Ludely inspired if 
you would


Clever  I would not be so gallant  he thought  if my artistry were nothing more than a
sham
a Tom Sawyers punishment to whitewash his Aunt Pollys fence
who circumnavigated his labor  as shrewd conman would
and had his friends paint it  and pay him in the offing


Wordsworth had a different Prelude
he described his as “an auxillary light” that changed everything it shone upon
“An auxiliary light
Came from my mind which on the setting sun
Bestowed new splendor, the melodious birds,
The gentle breezes, fountains that ran on,
Murmuring so sweetly in themselves, obeyed
A like dominion; and the midnight storm
Grew darker in the presence of my eye . . . ”

a Quaalude would never write that

or Coleridge
his Frost at Midnight
frost as metaphor                                                                                                     
it freezes the evening dew into icicles “Quietly shining to the quiet Moon”

“The Frost performs its secret ministry,
Unhelped by any wind.”


as frost transforms
and an auxiliary light changes 

Nature  for each poet  is the gamechanger
 

so it stood to reason to him  that unless a Quaalude is naturally formed
he is cheating

he is misinformed
he misinforms

a writer has to be true to the underlying sentiment which inspired his writing  poetry
his fiction 
it is a means to an end  a road traveled to a destination


for himself  he often didnt arrive where he intended to go
hed begin
then something crossed his path  bedeviled him  and he followed it  a bloodhound on a 
bear
until it slipped him

he didnt have a very good nose
it was just good enough   to entice him to pursue something else
his sentiment then  was to be honest to what he found


it was worth the cold air  cold water
the way the sky moved behind the naked tree limbs
or the sun threw its crackled shadow down like an old man and stomped his bones
how the ants and insects feasted
the birds flew overhead laughing
or the moon rose and buried his remains in its cool silver light
musings  not praying
and dogs chained up in backyards howled  like they thought wolves might
and a neighbor wakes irritated  goes to the bathroom to urinate  cusses through the 
open window
and returning to bed he catches his foot on the Persian runner rug in the hall and snaps 
his neck on the oak baseboard he painstakingly refinished
above  the crown moulding mocks  I told you so


Creativity is there
if only you look

2349,  Thursday,  4  9. 14