tenements
are warehouses for souls
like
so many drawers stacked up and up side
by side like apothecary cabinets or
library
card catalogs
pushed
back just off the street
leaving just enough room for
arminarm shoeleather and
heels
between their deep curbs
unstable
stairs ran up to stoops or porches
and
within
doors
onto hallways
if
at random you could magically yank one open
not that one would recommend
it
beyond
the clattering doorchain or behind two or three carelessly placed deadbolt
locks
you
might get hit in the face with the smell of ethnic food cooking for dinner
a
view of unexpected gentility rank
disorder or a fist
as
a kid I tried to sell newspapers there
no
luck
except
at the top floor
a
sleazy who said yah he buy a subscription
did
I have change
I
saw the numbers or letters on his door were missing
I
explained Id have to take his information and forward that to Subscriptions
he
said smartly when he was a kid they had to go door to door make their own
collections
I
said Then you ruined it for me Collections are handled by the companies now The
kids
are out
Get
out of here punk Do I look like a need a newspaper subscription to see whats
going
on
in this world
No
sir I replied Looks like you got the world by the balls Aint
nothing more you need to
know
than you already do No sir not you
A
selfsatisfied smiled began across his lips as I backed away unassumingly
something
my daddy taught me from his days collecting insurance premiums on his
route
and
I had plenty of distance between he and me before his smile eroded and he
realized
I
was mocking him
You
little motherfucker
interrupting
I bleated If you met my mother youd
understand your compliment
and
just before I went breakneck speed down the stairs I howled at him Fuck you
theres
an immense galvanizing satisfaction as a kid to tell an adult any adult Fuck
you
I
was two storeys descended before he reached the landing on his floor
the
food stains on his dago-t at his potbelly tipped me off he wasnt up for a
chase even
if he could hear the subscription change jangling in my pocket as I skipped
every-
other-step
on the stairs down
I
might have been able to take every third step if it wasnt for my daddys
blackjack in
my
backpocket
he
had insisted Youre a bit too small to go
toetotoe despite how big you feel you are inside
On
the temple if you can and fly I know you
can fly
I
could as long as my feet could find the
ground Id be gone Id be a bluestreak Id be
like
runnin for the can so I wouldnt embarrass myself and shit in my pants
and
yet
I
couldnt help myself
I
returned time and time again to the tenements
not
really to sell papers
I
knew they needed to spend their money elsewhere
but
Id knock at their doors
theyd
answer
theyd
answer just like wed answer a knock at our door
but
Id see something like Id never see down in my neighborhood
Id
hear things Id never hear
smell
things Id never smell
and
every time I confirmed for myself
they
were no different from me
circumstances yeah
but
other than that there wasnt one thing different between us
and
I struggled
I
couldnt help but wonder why my neighborhood my family my classmates and friends
saw
them so
very differently from themselves
maybe
if I got hurt in the tenements I would have thought otherwise
but then again
I
was an outlier
I
stuck out like a sore thumb
I
knew I was tempting Fate
my
blood liked it
my
heart definitely liked it
my
guts and it got all twisty when I went in
and
over time
I
learned a name for it
I
learned a name for it for myself and for
everyone else I knew
Ignorant
I
preferred it to ignorance because
ignorant was
one person at a time
and
one person at a time was going to be the only way to change it
and
Change
I
knew then
was
a real slow clumsy motherfucker
who
had an ugly mother
who
was far bigger than me
and
probably carried a bat
it
seemed to me youd have to kill him to change him
2332,
Saturday, 24 8. 13
