he asked

and the bartender  scarcely raising an eyebrow  gave him exactly what he asked for

a drink

it bit his tongue before he could swallow

a salty taste of blood   its inherent corrosive viscosity   was overwhelming

like getting bit in the mouth by an angry snake

the chill of the icewater chaser was latent 

after pausing   just long enough to be sure his tongue wasnt going to swell and choke

him to death he asked

                                    What the fuck was that

the barkeep smirked  I really ought to call it that  Its what you asked for it yeah

Yah  Though typically everyone falls short

Save the flattery  If you really mean it I prefer a fat tip

there  that was the direct and honest transaction he loved which were falling away 

that the glib and cheap have threatened 

that ciphered the line between who he preferred to share his time

                                                                                            

                                                                                             he was less and less in public

because the public was less and less worthwhile or intriguing

he was holding out

                                holding out for the Whitmanesque   the passionate fullbloodied Men 

and Women

whose audacious minds and bodies were like swollen fall melons cradled in the warm

earth  trembling to explode

the public  now surly  drifting round and round him like motes or seeds  were emaciated 

sucked dry

tinder  waiting on a spark that would bond them in flame or turn them to black

withered ash

it seemed though to-day  ash was more imminent

however   his mind countered hopefully   ash is requisite for good mortar to erect new

edifices 

                                                                                          to what     remains unanswered

he spider-holed up  (appropriating their language)  and watched and worked diligently

deliberately 

                     when someone chose to obfuscate a simple matter he challenged them

he used their talking points discretely 

                                                               he cobbled them to other like talking points and

revealing those sources he garishly exposed them along thoroughfares and at

intersections on the ends of tall pikes as History had advised him

his hope  

                     people would be revolted by their presence

it was dirty work

an honest salt-of-the-earth work which could not be bought off

                                                                    it was the embrace   the realization   that fear  

had no purchase or Providence

it was as refreshing as an icecold sock in the mouth

inside out

1348,  Tuesday,  20  8. 13

Did you learn your lesson

Did you learn your lesson

he had

but he grew up in the heyday of Chicagos Public School system when its education was 

highly touted and well deserved  when its educational prowess was muscled and paired 

with corporal punishment  

                                            affirmed and allowed by educators and the respective 

neighborhoods parentage

right

go right ahead

dont learn your lesson  

then show up at school at your own risk                                                                                   

risk  not being called on

because when you were called on

& it wasnt necessarily because you gave the wrong answer   a probability always exists 

that you might have erred  misunderstood either the content or context of your lesson

                                                                                       because when you were called on 

& clueless

                  

                  well  then the teacher elaborated on the lackluster extent of your cluelessness 

and thereby   exhausted   evaporated   any chance that you might have possibly 

misunderstood the lesson . . . they dragged you question by relentless question into the harsh 

glaring light of your duncery . . . obviously  being made an example . . . before all your 

attentive classmates who couldnt turn away or shun their eyes even if they wanted

in latter years corporal punishment has been described as shaming

                                                                                                               & shaming a child 

is reprehensible . . . it deleteriously affects their confidence . . . their precious . . . their so 

very fragile self-esteem

after the withering appraisal of your failed lesson you were asked to stand and walk

to the front of the classroom

the cane or whatever was at hand was used liberally

you could almost hear in their breathlessness a Biblical measure  Spare the rod  Spoil 

the child

no spoiled children ever passed out through the heavy oak doubledoors of Norwood Park Elementary School

& because there is no brook for mistake

as children  we were very aware of the risk we ran if we chose not to learn our lesson

reprehensible                                                                                                                                 

is an adult whose childhoods fragile self-esteem provided for their abject illiteracy

0215,  Sunday,  2  3. 14

Faulkner

always faulknering it up!

but to confess he loved his quote: “Between grief and nothing, I will take grief.”

                                           because the sterile voice inside his head too  -  refused grief

he would take nothing       breathlessly

grief is a compromise  an anguish which ofttimes we cannot change

                                                                                         and if it cannot be changed    

                                                                                              

                                                                                             it is utterly beyond us

it is no thing    anguish is a waste of time

time lost that might otherwise be fruitful  or seeded

not ceded

            

             or sterile

                       

                       vaporous   moving among and around ones spastic numb lost fingers 

which is ugly to witness 

                                         to be helpless to help  

time  is a tourniquet

a compress  a poultice hoping to prevail 

                                                                     prevail  that the infection is staunched       

and wont spread black lines firing up veins like smouldering contrails of deadly missiles

1233,  Monday,  29  7. 13