I really find that hard to believe.

Tha I havent been jealous since I was a teenager

Think.

           Since a teen?

I remember distinctly laughed  a fit of glee   Yaknow whatha experiencefacing into the bathroom cabinet mirror reminds me of every time it occurs to me

No. What?

Ever see the paintingcurrently  whellpermanently on display at the Chicago Art Institute Picture of Dorian Gray

I have not.

You got your damn iPhone  Google it sometime

                                                        Gray with an A

Its what occurred to me then an now always    how ugly I appeared to myself in the bathroom mirror

I was appalled

I was ashamed

 

So much so, that you weren’t ever jealous again.

Jah

So a girl breaks up with you . .

. . Many have

    And you see her weeks later, she’s walking arm and arm hand in hand with another guy not jealous?

No

         Why woud I be

She prefers him to you, you liked her, jealous of him, simple.

Apparently your equation

                              Water under the bridge image in the rearview mirror

snapped his fingers  Just like that?

snapped his

                Just  like  tha

I shoud pine over someone who prefers someone else

                                                        Wanna explain the sense the waste of time in tha futility

You could win her back.

 

Why woud I do tha

You wouldn’t want her back?

No

         She made her choice  I honour peoples choices

But you really liked her . .

. . I fell in love with her . .

. . In love, even more poignant.

 

    She was not in love with me

                                      Do you equate love an jealousy

You know.

                I believe I do.

You fall in love a lot

                      I dated a lot  I dated a lot of different women at the same time

You

I had girlfrien . .

. . The girls I dated were girl friends

                                                    You only dated one at a time

 

    I only dated one at a time.

Sought to be an item

Item?  I wouldn’t say that.

But you wanted it known you were dating her

Me dating her her dating me.

An item

Ohkay, an item.

    Why

 

What do you mean why?

Possession

               Piss on her leg mark your territory

Asif she woud be your territory

I don’t think I thought that.

Wha did you think

                     I had first second several thirds rarer fourth an fifths  came out of dating with girlspacefriends

Legit frienno  no    Acquaintances

 

    Whadidya  think

Think?

Possession  Yours

                           Were you hers

I don’t think possession.

Did you want to know who else she was hangin around withguys

Yeah.

Wha was the sweat

                        She might start to like them more

She’s my girlfriend.

Were you  insecur . .

. . No.

Wha

What do you mean, what?

You werent insecure

                         She was your girlfriend

Whas to worry Alfred E Neuman

Don’t make slight of it.

Then make something of it tha woud make sense other than some sense of possession when of course she wasnt nor were you hers

Brother, you really didn . .

. . Have  steady  girlfriends I didnt  Why woud I

                                                            I was dating

I wasnt jealous    

0900,  Saturday,  4  4. 26

https://www.artic.edu/artworks/93798/picture-of-dorian-gray

Got me another by the horns

A word?

Jah

            Perhaps a remedy

Remedy?  For what?

For whaever ails you

                         Got handles on Ps an a Y Im thinkin pommel horse defying gravity working it upsidedown

Think for a moment whatha woud look like in motion

    Mindbogglin

 

You boggle my mind.

Youre sweet to saywanna hear

    I think I have to hear since you blewup whatever it was we were talking about.

I was relating to wha buddyboy thought of not-knowing

Yes. I thought that very intriguing.

I thought you woud

Yet you derailed that for a wor . .

. . Anwha a word

                       Yastrapped in

Strapped.  Trapped.

Not trapped

    No.   Not really.

The Word?

Panpsychic Ps an Y as promised  Philosophy of the mind

                                                               Of the consciousness

Mind it is also written as a soul-like quality to each his own is a fundamental  an ubiquitous feature of all physical matter

Hold on.

            For all physical matter.

Jah

Grass.

Physical matter

                    Xenon

It can anesthetise plants grasses included placeem into dormant or asleep states by stopping their movement or inhibiting growth

Plants while lacking a nervous system are susceptible to volatile anesthetics inert gases that affect cell metabolism

Jah

          All physical matter

Panpsychic

Imagine doing scissors upsidedown

                                       Wha upset tha woud look like  Yowzers

Yowzers?

Yowzers

1809,  Tuesday,  31  3. 26

1221,  reggaefriday,  3  4. 26

Man.   Such an puss.

absently  Huh excuse me

                                 Wha

Your expression, your face.  What’s going off inside your head?

he smiled wrily  Nothing

                          Im emptying my mind of what I think I know

Im  not-knowing

buddyboy was uncomfortable with concepts that didnt toe lines that didnt drag their feet through the dirt

    You said . . . . not not knowing.

Correct   Jah

Which means what?

Keats  John Keats 

                        In a letter to his brother wrote of negative capability which he defined as a state  an appealing state  in which a person I quote is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.

I find the aspect of irritable reaching appealingforget what I know  learn anew  curious without memory and desire

    You’re so fucking queer.

 

Perhaps you can think of it this way

                                        As Maurice Blanchot French writer philosopher literary theorist  influenced post-structuralist philosophers Gilles Deleuze Michel Foucault Jacques Derrida you may have seen their books on the hallway shelve . .

. . Now that you’ve mentioned them, I have, although I’ve not opened any.

Which is to your disadvantage

                                 Blanchot wrote  La réponse est le Malheur de la question

Ouh là là. Frenchie no less.

Two years junior high I loved conjugating  So titillating

Jesus.

Did you want to pick it apart with your knowledge of French 

I’ve none, took five years of Spanis . .

. . An sound like a piece of work whenever tryin to slip into the lingoLook at me  an old gringo hobbled speakin broken Spanish to the young goodlookin female Mexican counterworkers or servers  Yanever fail

Yaever see in their faces they know EnglishJust say what you want save us the pain of you tryin to make time tryin to be an adorable old entitled white man

Broken bilingual

Jaysus

No.

       I think they like me trying to speak their language.  I think I rather humor them.

Oh ya definitely humourem  La réponse est le Malheur de la question

                                                                           The answer is the misfortune of the question

That’s what you’re thinking about?

Not-knowing  Present

                            Jah

1843,  Tuesday,  31  3. 26

1115,  reggaefriday,  3  4. 26

https://www.differentlens.co/p/the-power-of-not-knowing

https://iep.utm.edu/maurice-blanchot/

thunderstruck 

      ts crossed with jagged lightning boltshadnt considered jealousyever  ever   ever having to do with anything other than romantic emotional jealousy

 

I was jealous of his car.

Hold on hold on holdon

                           His car

Yeah yeah. His old man bought it for him on his sixteenth birthday, sweet ride, cherry red Oldsmobile Cutlass FourFourTwo.

    A muscle car

Oh my God, yeah.

You were jealous

Yeah. If you’d seen it with your own eyes you’d have been jealous too.

I know  not

You know not? What do you mean?

No

        I woudnt have felt jealous

You wouldn’t feel envy of someone, or their achievements, advantages. Pretty sure that’s the definition.

If it is is is not the one Im familiar with

                                          The feeling or showing suspicion of someones unfaithfulness in a relationship

Say  a jealous boyfriend

It means both. began fiddling with his iPhone

Funny  You identify with yours me with mine

                                                 You strike me as someone whod get jealous

I have been, we’ve all been.

Jah  Once   Didnt like the teenager lookin back at me in the bathroom mirror

                                                                                   Swore that night if a woman wasnt interested in me lost interest in me tha was up to her  I had no intentions of changing someones mind  Their attention neither confirmed me nor  identified who I was

    But I can certainly say I was not ever jealous about anyones possessions

Well, buddy held up his iPhone rattled it beside his head according to the on-line dictionary my definition is first, yours second. There’s a third too.

 

I can concede

                 However romantic emotional jealous is the only one I find apt

Christ 

A car                    

1541,  Wednesday,  1  4. 26

1223,  Thursday,  2  4. 26

Deep Purple  Highway Star  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4VkYR4Zj5w

Wha the hell was tha

there wasnt a mirror a window before himhe was at the kitchen sink under a cupboard but he could see the concern in mariachis face straight ahead

                                               Please   Don look at me tha way

    Wha was tha

Was something waay out of character . .

. . It was

              Was unattractive tad scary

Shoud have been on this side

                                   Was a queer sixseven seconds

Iftha

If tha

 

Any idea

First time the three ever bumrushed me at the sink while doing their breakfast dishes had plenty of food have dry food on the floor

One in the side sink right also right another at your elbow left at your elbow had to be . .

. . Claustrophobic was tellinem no

    You  shook

Too much congestion   Tha on top the discomfor . .

. . Woudya quit

    Quit

Discomfort

 

                  Quit with the discomfort youre in pain Two weeks running   Shinglesjah

Ill admit to the shingles

It was a petit mal tantrum  Went a bit sketchy

    Frankly   It did look like a seizure

It felt like one

Though it was evident you curtailed it ended it

Jah

        Funny

I really didnt want to I woud have loved to lose my shit

 

Really

Jah

Why didnt you let it go on

I didnt want to have to cleanup after myself  Once I trashed the kitchen it was on me

 

    I remember

Jah

 

It wasnt once

It was not

Bad memorie . .

. . Go hand in hand with good ones

                                      Not one without the other

It washowever a terrible interesting feelingfelt like it could have been a run no wrongs  the way all greased an easy

Like sports  A strea . .

. . Exactly

 

Petit  mal  tantrum

In the rearview mirror

                           Particularly once Im dug out of this nonsense

8AM,  Tuesday,  31  3. 26

1030,  Wednesday,  1  4. 26

she tipped him off on hungry ghostsdidnt tell him that Chinese Taoists Confucians celebrate festivals to real hungry ghosts    he misunderstood that that she was meaning figuratively  not literallyhandsdown agrees there is permeable boundary between living and dead that that remembrance  expressed through ritual celebration  shapes both worlds 

   shapes  both worlds

                                        he couldnt begin to count the number of times he was refuted

every time shook his head with pity

                                        Wha a miserable life you must be leading

she was a goodlookin woman 

still  had no problem offending her

I must be leading?Ghosts?  How feeble.

Feeble

                Ghosts

Youre Catholic

You just kiss off a third of your Board of Directorsbad enough majority of Congress is submissivelove to takeem home abusefuckem blind with dildoes an vibrators

                                                                           saying so thought of a slatheredrack of barbecued pork ribs

    he astonished her

she stood there with her mouth open

to confess

            he had a hafamind to pop his cock into her agape mouthkeep her tongue company

                                                                                                      Come here often

                                                                                smacksmack  delicious

 

 

shrugged  Tryin to give ya some leeway

Ghosts.

Have you read much about consciousness William James   philosophyhe was a philosopher but at the time considered himself a psychologistthe practice too evolved now to be able to think of him other than a philosopher

              Religions  Philosophies

 

Not muc . .

. . Therefore  you shoud be widespreadpeeledopen to  ideas   Things outside the realm outside the box  A matter of critical thinking  Innocent until proven guilty  

Your point.

Spotlight consciousness

                           Child psychologist Alison Gopnik Read of her  I read a lot

A focused goal-oriented consciousness  Narrow  Typical of adult problem-solving  task execution

Mine  Characteristic of a child

                                  Lantern consciousness

Broad      

Open

Exploratory

             Taking in all surroundings  equally   to learn

Zip dogmas

As science as sentience I believe  shoud be

 

Shaky ground.

So you wont readdespite  despite me consistently putting books in your hands that youve read an enjoyed

Bat eater?

And other names for Cora Zeng  A novel    Playtime

                                                                     Open your mind 

Hungry ghosts.

Bat eater.

    Jah

1417,  Tuesday,  31  3. 26

https://www.history.com/articles/hungry-ghost-festival-facts-history   

https://psychology.berkeley.edu/people/alison-gopnik

Return of the Chinese Femme  poet Dorothy Chang  https://www.tupeloquarterly.com/editors-feature/reclaiming-glamour-defying-gaze-a-conversation-with-dorothy-chan-on-return-of-the-chinese-femme-curated-by-darius-phelps/

Because a writer should riot 

“Because is it even a revolution if it does not romp?”

                                                       Divya Victor  https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/divya-victor

You wasn't trying, you was sitting on diamonds/Mm (diamonds)   Raye  Hard Out There

    sitting on diamonds

in context of the song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtTgBoUfiuQ  she accuses someone of holding out   . . . you wasn’t trying you was sitting on diamonds

when first he listened to it without the lyrics before him he had misunderstood her

                                                                                    his misunderstanding 

upbeat

not that hes an optimistwasnt a pessimist  a realist?  shook ivory  tossedem  gaveem a roll  thirtysix possibilities

             So get off the pot, what do you call yourself?

Random

           See whaswha went the bones stop  lay still

Lifes a crapshoot

 

now if he were a proper entitled white man   

life wouldnt be a crapshoot

                            be one entitled day cascading after another until  inevitably  cruel stopgaps physical accidents bodily failings

but theyre not as cruel if moneyed 

but money doesnt afford everything

                                         visit a cemetery  a potters field   a mass grave

Where

Out there  Somewhere    Pieces we like to think well go out as we came in an entity   not promised

    disparate

served with others on moldy charcuterie boards

That’s fuckin’ dark. Pessimistic.

 

Dark

Tellin the truth

One of thirtysix random possibilities

Im a thirtysixer

               And not to lose the string  Hard Out There  I mistook sitting on diamonds  Had imagined a truffle pig rutting for morsels for treasure experiences  to explore examine share

not sitting on the earth

a dumb extruded clod

    theres unmined gold diamonds quiet parked under your fanny

                                                                         No shrugsgot no shovel

Ya got hands

1238,  Monday,  30  3. 26